Yesterday's Letter.

don't you agree that everyone grows up with a idol or a hero in their mind? its like someone they want to be when they grow up and every kid just needs to have a hero. everything that this person does seems perfect and right, and you just wished you could grow up and clone this person. some people dream to be cartoon characters, some dream to become animals, and some don't even mind becoming food of their favorite, don't tell me you don't want to be a cheeseburger when your parents say no to MacDonald's. do i make sense? i mean, you rather be something you love than not getting it. at least, you know you'll feel appreciated by people who have a mind like yours. but really, at that young an age, do you even think so much? 

i was thinking for the past few days, and i was thinking, thinking, who was my idol. who was the person that made me want to impersonate and was the one who gave me values. my idol is a give-away and probably one that everyone would guess right at first try. he is no other than my, Dad. 

i wouldn't deny that my relationship with my dad is in any good. and its no surprise. look around, how many of you plant an invisible barrier with your parents as you grow up, how many of us start to detest our parents as we mature and think with our own complicated mind. but of course, i know a proportions of people have a real happy family and i'm happy for these people really. congrats, because it is God-sent and please appreciate whatever efforts your parents have put in for the family. 

now i look back, and i ask myself, how could i have idolized my dad? nevertheless, i'm sure he was my superhero when i was a little boy. 

moving on, it feels just like yesterday when everything has happened. feels like yesterday when i just came back from HK, feels like yesterday when i just finished A'Boys, feels like yesterday when we started not to talk. 

i couldn't sleep last night and i was tossing around till 3am, and i was feeling like a zombie when i wasn't even sure that i woke up. i guess, it was because of a screwed up body-clock. and i'm trying to tune it back, i wished i could do it manually. how fun would that be. 

i hope i would stick to my plans, and i hope i have the discipline to resist against everything else. day by day, i can feel that we're more than a step a day adrift from each other. feels like, even if i have anything to say, you'll be too far away to hear me, so far away. 

i know, if you still read my blog, you'll agree that my writing improved. like how you always would be proud of me,  

Right Back Where We Started.

its almost 5 in the morning and i still cant get to sleep. i've thought about so much, and yet i cannot find answers to all my doubts. if i cant live a fortnight like this, i don't know how you do it for months. 

i wish we could go back, to right where we started. i cant forget the first time i looked into your eyes, you were the most beautiful thing. and the whole relationship thing, that brought us together made me a brand new person. i didn't care about anything else, i just felt like i was building my life around you. 

i miss you, and you're still somewhere i know. i cannot force myself to believe how i would feel when i realize you're gone someday. i don't know how much more intense the pain would be, and i don't know how long more will it take to ever move on. 

so many dreams and promises, and we wish we could hold on and accomplish them. they're kept deep in my heart, and i know i'll never forget until we win it together. i wish i could guide you out of our life, and i hope you're more than half way there. 

i hope there's no more affection between us, because i never want to break your heart and see you cry. i miss your big o' hugs. 

PS. I love you.

Oka is my BFF.

kenji had a rough day today and he couldn't join oka and i in the end. nevertheless, we had the best of time as usual! 

we went for sushi tei at paragon and got the shock of our lives when sushi tei was not at the original location! and we were so disappointed we had to settle for something else. (we were fucking disappointed, because oka NEVER walks anywhere further than wisma from forum. and he's making an exception this time because its a 1-on-1 hot date with me.) to our surprise, we saw the fucking revamped sushi tei at another corner and we were so excited like we found money. haha! 

anyway dinner was a bomb, i (and i think oka too) enjoyed the meal so much. not because its just my favorite jap food, but also cause it feels so good to talk to someone who has a soul alike yours. and it was just carefree conversation and no matter what i said or what he said, we knew we understood what each other were trying to bring across. and we ordered all the food we love, although he dont love wasabi as much as me, he still helped me finish the wasabi udon, so sweet right. anyway the meal cost $103.45, see how much we can eat. 

then we went for the sexciting drag me to hell horror! sexciting, cause both of us scared of horror. haha, and the fucking lido theatre 6 really dam small and lousy. but still, it managed to jerk us out of our seats. i have to admit it was a lousy horror, it was a better comedy. we really had a good time laughing at the eyeballs popping, the exaggerated gore, the joke of it all. haha, oka is such a perfect companion for a show like this. and we had to grab each other at the climax, okay, because both of us got scared already. haha. and oka, i knew from the start you were staring at the black top girl. and you were paying more attention to her than you were to the movie. haha!

nice night walk back to oka's place as usual and he purposely chose to walk past orchard towers today la, when i insisted on the other side. haha, bet he wanted to look at those filipinos and thais lor. and as usual i stole an ice-cream at his place and wanted to eat the hamster up, freaking fat popcorn. and thanks auntie for the jelly hearts :) you remembered its my favorite. 

oka and kenji got me a belt and skinzzzzz for bday, thanks lots guys! must be oka's taste, thats why i love it. for kenji, it still gotta be 'the uglier it is, the better is it'. 

anyway, the letter's so sweet oka! you're right, its not the number of hours spent on doing retarded fun stuff, but the number of times the person makes you feel so grateful to have known him and you have made me feel so grateful countless times. and i'm sorry i cannot be there whenever you needed somebody, but i promise we'll be best of friends, until... we get old! haha, how dreadful. 

thank you so much oka, you make me feel so appreciated and i just want to say i love you. BFF okay! and, sleep well tonight, i hope the old woman don't haunt you in your dreams. haha! and please please please bathe more omg! 

BFF!

Eyes on You.

of course, the biggest news this week is that the CTs are postponed. hoooray! sigh a breathe of relief muggers. it's an awesome feeling when you're desperately doing the last minute revision and you know its not working because of the fucking short time left. i feel happy cause i got more time to study, but i feel like crap when i know the torture is dragged... its true man, when people say why postponed when i'm not even studying, there's no point to this. 

i'm sleeping like past 2am everyday and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. feels like insomnia, feels like crap. and the best part of it all, is i'm not staying home for my study. and every night, i still think its best with you around, dont think i can sleep alone. 

taking them all out and putting them back makes me feel so loved. i cant believe for how everything has happened, and i think i can only be thankful. i always feel so appreciated, and everything makes my love so worth it. although i missed a lot of everything, i think its only fair to do what you always wanted to. go ahead, i think you'll be happier. at least, not with a bastard anymore. 

meeting oka and kenji tomorrow, hope the movie's going to be good. and hope i can stop thinking about everything. 

and i remembered how you always liked to go for movies with me, 

Stepping Stone.

so fucking glad that the stupid medical check-up is over. now i'm like free from a compulsory needle poking session, i hope i would never have to go through something like that again. it was pain, not very-pain, sharp pain, bearable pain, make me want to cry pain, make me want to scream kinda pain, i just cant describe how the pain actually felt. and my wish didn't come true la, so many freaking people around and if i scream, confirm dam paiseh. and hot girl my ass, knn, the whole place all guys, got this old uncle poking people some more, lucky i never kena. huiwen and cb dam poor thing, kena old man and huiwen got traumatized because to distract huiwen, the old man ask him whether he like hairy or not hairy girls. like wtf. 

if only all pains were this bearable, this temporary. if only pride could stand in the way, and make you lie that it doesn't hurt at all. and only if all wounds are micro-sized. 

life sucks, because you cannot bear all kinds of pain, you cannot hold your tears. you will cry as and when you want, you cannot stop thinking about the things that upset you. and you'll never know how deep someone has cut you, and you never know when the wound would ever heal. you can never put a plaster over it and make yourself feel better. and even if you find something to make you feel better, you'll only realize that you're cheating yourself at the end of the day. 

i'm still very proud of myself that i didn't scream, didn't cry going for the fucking blood withdrawal shit. but my blood makes me feel faint and lucky i never faint. 

but i'm not so proud that i cant be a superman that withstands all pain. 

its yet another day, without you. 

Phobiaphobic.

i fucking hate needles i fucking hate needles i fucking hate needles! fuck, tomorrow got ns medical check-up can anyone save me? can i like get excused from drawing blood? or... can they drug me so when they finish drawing as much fucking blood they want from me they can wake me up and i dont feel anything? please please please, i would give anything to be excused tomorrow. but if i dont go tomorrow will i get jailed? waa lao, i hate this man. 

fuck la, i still hate it its making me nervous i cant fall asleep in peace tonight. sorry la guys, i know this sounds dam stupid but i just have to blog my feelings out to feel better. but i dont know why this is the first time it doesn't help!!! i still feel like fuck about needles knn! better hope the nurse is fucking hot, like the one i remembered in the infirmary in PB1 so can distract my attention. argh.... somebody save me from this torture! cant seem to find any fucking escape this time round argh! 

i can only pray the whole goddamn procedure goes smoothly tomorrow and very very very little people around the freaking area to laugh at my chickening out and trembling. hate needles! i still hate needles! do you hear me? do you get me? i hate needles! why must they choose such a stupid way to draw blood! why poke poke poke into your body waa lao, and grace can even say she like the feeling. omg, fuck poking bodies with needles. 

okay, i still dont feel any better. 

so many birthdays! 

15th, happy 18th birthday for clarice and jason! i hope both healthy, both get good A's and both dont suffer any torture like poking needles into veins. okay, sorry jason you're in this with me tomorrow, but i think you not scared. haha. 

17th, happy 18th birthday weehoe! this is about 45mins in advance! no choice because i need to sleep soon, so i can wake up early for dont know what reasons and get poked by needles. anyway i just want to say i love you love you love you so much! you're the best! thanks for all the times you're there for me, emotionally, mentally, physically, almost every possible way. you're so sweet, you're almost there for every of my match and i wish i could do something more than just saying i love you. but i think mellisa will be jealous, so i think i love you is the most i can do. okay, next time give you a good wet kiss, but cannot reject me. and good luck, one more year before you graduate from poly and go for ns medical check up and get poked by needles. eh, please book the earliest slot, because you must go earliest. you need the most time to draw blood, your muscles too big and too thick, you will break all the needles. HAHA. so, dont work out so much! save the needles! for yourself, not for me! hah, love you lots bro. 

Dazzy Days.

life without you's a living hell for me.

i miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you so badly. 

does this even mean anything to you. i just want to know how does morning feels without me, and how night feels when you cant talk to me. 

it sucks for me, because everything doesn't have you in it. 

cant imagine living everyday like this, until time really heal all wounds. if this saying is even right in the first place. oh fuck it. 

time to move on. 

Your Ghost.

i realized a lot, that i dont want to be the only one left that's empty and lonely. i loved my childhood sweetheart and i forever will. my childhood sweetheart's my best love and i thought i would marry my childhood love. but i needed one, no, countless chances to to be forgiven because of my mistakes. and its true, the pain that comes from regret is so much more than the pain of choosing to be separated. 

reality hurts, and i wanted to run away from it. but you hinted to me in the slightest way before, that you would move on one day. and i was right, i would hate you in the end because i cant love you.  

i hate it when i know nothing of you, and only when i'm so desperate i use others to find out about you. but its always too late, i'm always too late to board onto the same train as you are, i'm always slow to realize how much you needed me. i can only said i tried, but thats it. 

no more hopes for me, and though the pain is so immense, i am proud of you. 

here comes goodbye, enjoy your new life, without me. 

Found and Cried.

i always want to be appreciated, but i hardly appreciate you. 

i hate to lie to you, because it hurts so badly when i cant hear of you, see of you.

and i hate your letters, because they always make me cry. 

but it doesn't matter, i know everything in the letter was true, at least before. 

things would never ever be the same again, i ruined it.  

Leechy Pain.

things happened just as i expected. i wanted to say how sorry i am, but things would never change even if i did. i want to make things happen, instead things always go out of hand. i thought i always have control over us, but i never expect things to get worst again. i know i owe you way too much, and you deserve so much better. i want things to start right from the start but i realized i'm always dreaming of the impossibles. i want things from the start to be right, and that is to never have asked for your name, made friends with you and to have loved you.

i'm no good at anything, other than making you hate me more than ever. 

if this even works, i'm sorry. 

again.  

Fundamental Joy.

my birthday week was totally enjoyable! there was a lot of surprises and i'm sorry for not posting about them earlier. first was my class, like wtf. i thought on one in my class S37 even remembered my birthday until they tried to surprise me with a freaking construction helmet. you know why? cause they think (okay, not all, but SOME) i look like a construction worker. okay, i know you all disagree. HAHA. anyway, it was still very sweet of them. i was like on the verge of getting pissed with them for forcing me into a lecture i wanted to pon, until they started embarrassing me with the helmet and birthday song in a packed LT. okay, i'm actually proud of the helmet. :) and thanks clarice and syaz for your sweet letters.

i cant remembered what happened after school, see cause its so long ago. haha. okay, the basketball team went to jurong to watch the freaking finals and for prize presentation. i totally remembered how badly IJ played during the finals and how undeserving they were as an finalist. i am 100% we would be a better fight for the champions and surely more deserving. but life's like that, we dont always get what we want, right. okay, away with that, its supposed to be a happy post. then felt good to meet up with the xiaoxuelian people, always feel good when i see them cause it always remind me of friendships that lasted for the 7th year and running. friendships made because of a common passion, how sweet.

we collected the 3rd prize, and i swear guys, i'm still proud of a bronze medal we achieved together. this medal will remind me of how hard we worked, fought and slogged together. the blood, sweat, bruise and tears we sacrificed, all because of a dream we wanted badly. although we didn't achieve the dream, the whole season transformed a group of egoistic, proud and arrogant, bastards, selfish and individualists into a group of selfless, matured and sensitive team-players. the most important of all, we create brotherhood.

the guys also surprised me when they started singing a birthday song in front of all the prize winning schools! like so embarrassing again! this time worst because they bought me crocs (i swear i love them a lot a lot) that is neon green in color. and they forced me into wearing it! and they forced the helmet on me too! like omg. okay, after they had their fun, we took the chartered bus to sakae at dhoby for buffet. and i swear i'm still afraid of going there, because of the number of plates we took that day. i think the staff hates us, but i dont care, cause i hate them too. haha. and... the guys were so sweet, they spent one day after school hiding from me and left me feeling so lonely because they made me a fucking beautiful card. i swear its the best i ever received from guys, i emphasis GUYS OMG. so sweet of them, make me want to cry, bastards.

on my birthday itself, i think i went to school early in the morning to play ball with seniors and others. so sweet, huiwen they all buy cake and sing bday song for me again. i hate weilun because he chase me around the whole car park with his hand behind his back, i thought he want to throw cake on my face. bastard, in the end he was holding nothing. LOL. we went to play pool and lan at home of pool after that and had lots of fun at that ah beng place. and had the fucking good chicken rice there! cabbed home and met louisa :) who passed me books for birthday, i will read it i promise! then went to visit daryl at his place because it's his dad's bday too. then left for town and met weizhen who wished me happy birthday. and met kenji, leon and oka who also wished me happy birthday. after which was movie with cb, mac, nat and babe. watched angels and demons which was quite boring for me that i fell asleep for awhile. maybe cause the movie too late la, sorry angels and demons die-hard fans. after movie, slacked at town with babe and bought that sucker a mogu mogu which made him happy and cabbed home together and fainted on bed after bathing and slept like a log. :)

thanks for those who remembered my bday and sent me a happy msg. :) although some are still late as usual as every year, i still love you. and those who STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ANY PRESENT, I WONT FORGET OKAY. i'm dam grudge-full.

and thanks bio lecture group for the cute shark head cover, a really nice card and a box of condoms :D haha! you girls knew i needed it soon! hahahhaa! anyway thanks thanks thanks, dinner soon!

thats for my birthday! then nothing much exciting, until HK trip with SJ! was one heck of a blast and i really enjoyed traveling alone! SJ's a great shopping company and ask her if you intend to go HK, she knows all the good places! (Y) thanks SJ for the company! really enjoyed the time of my life! i wont hesitate going to another place with you! provided you stop cursing me...

now for the rest of my holidays, i'm going to try to settle down and focus on a few things. combine schools, driving and studies. thats it, nothing i want to think of. of course i will try to spend quality time with weilun who missed me and msg me to meet out :)

driving is exciting! i passed the BTT and although i haven't started any prac yet, i'm real excited about it and i hope i can clear it before the A's.

suckers around, dont try to start sucking up to me now because you want a ride home next time. no use one, i will still abandon you HAHA.

you make me think a lot,
give me another chance, i would still have chose the same.

think i still love you sexually.