Thinking.

I am extremely jealous that my friends have such awesome girlfriends! Honestly, everyone's creating some kinda secret farewells and birthday celebrations for their boyfriends. How sweet.. And all their girlfriends are asking me for help to organize on our side. I'm more than willing to help really, but it just gets me thinking. You never really appreciate it till its gone, so i hope guys you would appreciate everything your girls are doing for you. I am happy for you all!

Some people just don't have it, like me. Am complaining, but not when i have such friends with me. Just some thoughts before crashing my last night here.

Night sweetheart.

Triplet.

Buddy's fast asleep on his bed, lights are off, many others are fast asleep the corridor is quiet, only the moonlight providing company. I enjoy taking this time with my space when i can't sleep. So quickly tomorrow's Friday, somehow i don't mind staying here because time always seem to pass quickly, people do stupid things and i laugh and there are people who seem to care.

Life ain't as good as it would be with you around. That's a fact and i've learnt to recognise it, suck it up and live with it. Its the reason why we talked, the reason why i hate not talking to you and the reason why i am feeling this way. I cannot believe how my instincts guide me to hitting the loops around, its like i can anticipate results. You are guarded and so am i, that's why we never worked. You're afraid of being hurt, so am i. You're afraid of being lonely and so am i. You want to spend time with me but you never show, just like me. And we just let these things collide and we ride by it. Truth is, i don't really like talking about you. I'm never that important any more, if i am, i'll remember how you knew when i got angry and you would come around my back and give me a hug that fills me up with warmth and melt every ounce of tension away. The last time that happened, was in my previous lifetime.

I can't imagine someone else fitted better than i am. Who else would appreciate your smell, touch and taste better than i do?

Centrifugal is distorting everything within me. And everything i am working on now is to fight it. There are unexplained effects on the body that no one wish to tell. I am lazy to find out besides i cannot do anything even with information on hand.

I just like to observe because people's behaviour taught me a lot through the years. And i know what have been said and done, i am deeper than that. You got to dig deep before you say you don't know anything because you just made me see you clearer. You need to remember how you carefully placed that knife into my back because the wound has healed and the scar remains.

Words mean a lot to me. Hypocrites are last in my life. Wrong, they are not even in my life.

Time is running out, already missing you.

Death.

I am pathetic. On a Sunday where i am feeling everything i don't want and need. Caught up with a bad flu and sore throat i can't seem to do anything with my eyes this puffy, my head this dizzy, my throat this uncomfortable and my nose acting up like some kinda fountain. Had to run an errand this morning, felt like i went for a marathon just glad to be back alive. Home now, just want to lie down with the a/c on and rest. Finally, rest.. For tomorrow's centrifuge and i will die if i enter the freaking chamber in this state of mine.

And i swear i am never taking the meds.

Feeling like i need to get away as soon as possible, for nothing's right. Not looking forward to getting back within the fence tonight.

Need some loving.

Unable.

Everything running in my head, i cannot seem to be able to word things out. A kind of pain that made me forgot to smile, to be happy, to feel free and without restrains. I cannot stand to see it all, that how slowly and yet drastically things have changed. The need for me to hold your hand while you walk, to keep away from the food you love, the need for you to slow down in everything that you do, the need for you to feel awful after a meal and stopping by to try to puke because you feel unwell every now and then, the fact that you have no medicine and food to keep yourself going, and my disability to be a responsible and filial son. It sickens me, i feel like puking, feels like i hit concrete on my head, ive lost my emotions.

People that matter the most don't see it, only those that are on the peripheral. You can leave me, because i have never made you happy. I thought that feelings and matters were stronger than it seems, but its nothing but a surface of flakes. A wisp of wind is enough to tumble any arrangement set. Ready for anything my ass, no one's ever ready. Ready is only something i came up in my mind, with an imaginary you. Reality is another, nothing really works out. Time don't permit, fate don't permit and most importantly, you don't permit. At this point of time, my heart is cold and already shattered. What difference would you make?

The heart is really spoilt. If the meds don't clear on wed i really don't know what to do. Disappointed? Then again, how much more disappointed can i be? Is everything a test of feelings? Like how much you can dig out of me, you know what, bring it on just bring it on. I hope everything goes downhill and you dig me up empty so i'll have it worst and never to feel like this again. Let this be incomparable ever again. For once, i want to stay within the fence and not leave, i want to be away without anyone knowing where i am.

Yes you, what difference do you make? You, you, you, you, you, you and you? Do you think i really care about what the fuck you think? I don't even know what i am doing everyday. So don't come here if you hate me because it fucks you up. Don't come here because i don't need shit, i don't need your shit ass sympathy. If you think i'm weak, think again. I'm much stronger than anyone, anyone including you. Because i am named this way.

Time to fuck off to my bed.