end of the year.

i always wanted to write this. but i'm too lazy and busy before the new year started.

went around and read people's blog during the new year period. everyone, maybe, most of them. would write about what they have done in 2005, all the bad and good stuff and they would end off with new year resolutions. most of them were happy with what they've done in 2005. but when i thought about mine. it wasn't as pleasant as others.

i thought, thought and thought. what have i done in 2005. basically, i dont feel good about '05. the whole year went around, i realised that i cant really concentrate in anything i did compared to the other years. most of time its because of relationship problems. and most of them are actually unneccessary. we argue or quarrel and then i'll feel really bad. and then i cant do anything. though i only had one relationship before. and this, my second. i'm always confident with dealing my relationship. but looking back at everything. it directly point to me that i suck in it. i always wanted to best for my girl. maybe i did too much. sometimes i feel that i fell too deeply. that i cant find my way out anymore. the worst thing is that i cant see a clear path in front of me. i know my relationship would still continue to have many problems coming ahead this year. but i'll try to resolve everything quickly. as quickly i can. i look back at '05, i've been unhappy majority of the time. i always thought that i'm a happy boy. a boy which makes people happy. and i know that was what people thought i was before '05. and i know that i proved everyone wrong about that. i'm sorry everyone. i promise, i promise that i will change. change to my usual-self.

i really want to thank my parents for all the past years. how much they've supported me. i know i'm their burden. i just look at how much money i've spent. how much troubles i've caused for them. how many times i made them unhappy and broke their hearts. how many times i made them shout at me. how many times they have to remind me to do things they told me to do. how many times they try and try to change my bad habit. how many times i've wronged them for thoughts they didn't thought about. for many nights that i've made them worry. for many times i didn't answer my phone and made them go mad. for many times i didn't fulfill my promise to go for dinner with them. for many times i made my father drive me around for golf tournaments. for many times that i didn't show my parents that i love them.
i will change.
i'm sorry Dad and Mum. i love you.

to my girl. i'm sorry that i made u unhappy so many times. for many times i broke your heart. for many times that i got angry too easily. for times when i couldn't give you what u wanted. for many times that i forced u to do something you didn't like. for times where i gave you too much restrictions. for many times where i didn't give u maximum security. for times where i raised my voice. and for all the stupid silence i gave.
i will change.
i'm sorry Dearest. i love you.

to my closest 2 besties. leon and andrea. i'm sorry for times that i was too unresonable at times. for many times i was too petty. for times i made u all hurt. for times where i affected both of u. for times where i couldn't be there for you all. for many many times that i wasn't that julian u all thought i was and could be. i'm sorry that i'm your burden sometimes.
i really sorry about all this. all the nonsense that i gave u all.
i will change.
i'm sorry Leon and Andrea. i love you all.

though there were many bad things that were going around for me in '05. but i'm glad that i managed to pull through most of them. because i have my two great friends, leon and andrea. plus my Dearest Louisa. :) some others were there before as well. zhengyi, poline, pamela, daryl, macus, athena, joelynn, kathe and zihui. if i didn't mentioned some others. let me know. i'll add again! :) much thanks to all this people. and thanks to the much loved 2h'05. so quickly we spent 2years together. and many things happen. luckily most of them were good. we turned from a total stranger to a perfectly bond class. now its sec3 already. zhengyi, binghao, bryan, leonard, hweeli, eelin, sulin and kristy went to other class. josephine and kirk went to IP. others stayed together as 3F. hopefully things would be better for 3F this year.

i'm really happy that i changed from '04 to '05 that i managed to push myself and study harder. i look back and realise that all that hardwork studying was a worthwhile. i really happy that i managed to retain my inter-school golf champion title. i'm really happy to see our basketball batch became much closer. i'm really happy that our basketball batch clinched two 2nd positions together. i'm really happy that i found you and after so much we went through, we're still standing together. i really happy that i made some new friends and managed to bond closer with some other friends. i'm really happy that i still have my friends around me.

some of the plans i've thought about '06.
1) i'm going to work harder with my studies. and i'm trying to top the class this time.
2) i'm going to work my body and prove andrea wrong.
3) i'm going to push my golf further. i want to be a single handicapper by the end of next year.
4) i'm going to push myself harder during basketball trainings. i want to learn from everyone in the team. i want to be a all-rounder. i want to be a threat on court.
5) i'm going to be a happier person. i dont want people around me to be unhappy.
6) i want to achieve another inter-school golf title again.
7) i want to change my relationship to something which can always make me smile when i think about it.
8) i want to bond closer with my friends.
9) i want to stay closer together with leon and andrea.
10) i want to make my parents feel good about me all the time.
11) i want to be a model.
12) i want to win the inter-school B'Div.
this 12 is what i just thought. and there should be more but i cant think of all of them now.

i wish and hope that i'll be a better person.

i wish and hope everyone would have a better year in '06. dont waste it. guess everyone should have their own goals and strive for them. wish everyone would be in the best of health. and wish that everyone would stay happy for the rest of the year.

take care everyone. goodnight.

first few days of school.

school for me isn't that bad now. get to wear long pants. get to shoes with more colour. teachers are more lenient to u. i get to see her more. finally i wont get so bored in the night and start thinking too much. causing, stirring up so much shit. quite relieved that the teachers i have this year are quite good. except for the english teacher which i get abit worried as she look dam slack.

so today is the 3rd day of school. and studying already start. i dont want to slack. i want a good start. and i want to continue, maintaining my tidiness and passion to study. had chem, then SEL(social emotional lesson), core history, biology, chinese then english. chem was good. learnt new things. SEL totally SUCKED. its such a waste of time. it just makes everyone tired. history was good too. learnt many things though it was the first lesson. and now i realise how much tension there was between the 6 powers in Europe during WW1. then bio. so glad that the teacher we have for bio is a patient one. glad the class is smaller and a better place to study and able absorb all the SUPER LONG and WEIRD names of the bio term. had chinese after that. was quite boring. almost doze off when the teacher caught on me. then english which sucked too. didn't start on anything. teacher gave us quiz. which is dam nonsense to most of us.

new DM. mr chua. he suck now la. he's like arrogant? thats what i felt at first. then many people told me that he was abusing his powers a little bit. people tell me he's trying to show off. whatever it is. he caught me for my hair, for my badge and for my shoes. he says i need to SLOPE my hair at that back. which i wanted to tell him to f*** off. then told me to put on my badge. then told me to change my shoes as they were too colourful. so i'm deciding on buying the stan smith addidas one. (are u happy athena? haha. )

had training after school. coach pushed us hard again. really going to break down during training just now. argh. was put in funny teams. coach made me play PG. cause weehoe didn't come today. i dont like to play PG. especially when weixiong is the defender. haha. and mitchel's defense is causing me to turnover. so i wasn't very happy about it. i pushed myself hard during the games. i kept running and running. trying to penetrate, force open shots for my teammates working hard on defense to force turnovers. but when i see my teammates play with no heart. it really piss me off. it totally demoralise me. i ran and ran to create plays for them. then they fumble when they have the ball. i really got very fed up. make abit of fuss out of it. i didn't really show it but i told qiangsen when there was only the 2 of us. luckily he knocked some sense into me. and SORRY k.c.

it was like today. and i'm freeking tired. i want to SLEEP. but leon asked me to post. cause he said that he comes in everyday but he don't see anything new. so i felt bad and decided to write a little. night everyone.

dont make empty promises.

i'll just be like that all the time.
i really wonder why must i get affected so much all the time. why must i make my life miserable when you dont get as affected as i do.
why others can take things in their stride, how do u forget about me?
why cant i do that?
i just think about our beginning till now. to my own expectations, i've nv really been happy. i always try to lower my expectations for u. to make myself happier, to make u happier.
but u never try to know me. even if u did. it never stays in u. it fades away.
i suck la. i know i've nv made u happy. because i'm too sensitive all the time. because u cant stand my limitations for u. because i think too much.
u're my heart-breaker.