Desperate.

I am desperate to get what i want. and i want it so badly! so don't worry that my desire would die off, or my change of commitment, because i would jump at any opportunity to get myself there. sometimes i really don't understand why people always get what they don't want, and when you want something, it always seem harder or less direct. everything is so simple, but because of how complicated and sophisticated human beings are, such a process is taking so dam long. i don't need anyone to stick their necks out for me, because i own myself and i take my own responsibility. if i fail one day, i won't even factor you in.

Flying has been more and more enjoyable. although what i am learning is increasing, and expectations of the instructors are getting higher, i take pride into that and i enjoy the challenge. the day before i was doing circuits low level solo and it rained halfway and it was a new experience. today i was doing circuits short field take-off/landing solo and was runway changed to 21. another new experience. hopefully there would be more new experiences! time is running out and i still failed ratings, so friday is the re-take. praying hard that i can cross this hurdle......

I feel so blessed to have a group of friends who never fails to make me laugh all the time. i like it because there is no restrain and we do stupid things and we just laugh. and i don't even mind just sitting anywhere with them, because it is indeed only the company that matters.

Sometimes i feel like i have too much time, and at the same time too little? don't know what i'm saying, so i just hope there's someone out there who actually feels the same way as i do! its like if someone ask me if i'm free, i would say no, i'm not. but if someone says that i'm a busy boy then i would say no, i'm fucking free. this is just contradicting.

Dinner tomorrow with hoe, cy, mac and mum. 4 person, 3 vehicles, like wtf.

Fucking sleepy, going to cuddle in bed.... not until the late afternoon.

Still miss you, let me get over you...

Imprint.

It sucks, sucks big time to hear things about you this way. it isn't the way i wished, hoped and thought would have. but there is nothing i can do. sometimes i thought it was my fault, that it was my doing. and i always have a guilt no one even you could understand.

It always hurts when i think about it that way, and there is no way i could remedy this. you've changed, you really did and things would never ever be the same. i kept telling myself, but i always fail to convince myself. but i will try, i will keep trying. because i know i have to live with this for the rest of my life.

I don't know what else i would find out, but i'm certain there would be more that i would know. its not like it isn't bad now, i just hate to see it getting from bad to worst. i've come to thought that there is nothing i can do, unless you wanted to walk out of this on your own. i always tried to help, i always tried to do something. and i feel bad when i fail. but i was dumb enough to hope to see any change.

Regardless of what you become, or turn out to be, i will always keep that same image for myself. i will always remind myself of who i've dote on and thought of spending the rest of my life with. i do not want to think about the rest, because i shudder when i think about it. i just want to keep that little memory of you, always in me.

Believe.

To hell with those who said anything about being unfit and about anything about guidelines. fuck off with those who assumed condition and fucking take me for lightly. because when i want something, i will do the best i can to get it. so don't doubt my hunger and don't doubt my commitment, because you can't even imagine how much i would do.

A miracle happened. the door once shut tightly upon me, is once again open. the path is ahead, i will brave through it with my best. whether i can walk to the other end is not most significant, i just want to prove to myself a point that even if its with the most demands and expectations, i can still do it. and even if i fail one day, i make sure its only after i've given it my best effort.

It is only the start and the beginning, so i have to keep believing in order to keep my dreams alive.

Thank god for friends around me that care for me. i can't imagine what would have happened to me without them. it's not very nice to sit down and listen to me rant and pour out everything because its not easy to digest, comprehend and give any solutions. but it's not all these that is important to me, it is when i know my friends are willing to always be there that made me a whole lot more assured. i don't know what i did for them, but i certainly feel blessed to have friends like these.

Relieved to know that HPL and Airlaw is over and done with. now its the most feared of all, Ratings! but... i have no fear!!

I don't know whether its a good or a bad thing. sometimes i wished i could fall in love all over again, and be in a relationship. but then again, when i hear about bad relationships around me, i feel for my friends. it is indeed hard to comprehend anything that does not belong to you, but as friends we are always there for each other. i am a failure in this, so i don't know how to help at times. i guess you might not need any solutions and advice, i only hope you follow your heart because it is the right thing to do. you know i am talking to you, i just hope that i can give you courage to do what you think is right. i will always be there for you.

I had enough for feeling that way. take it as i have given up or what, but i just had enough. you had things the way you wanted, so live with it. i have nothing to say, because i understand nothing.

Can't wait to see huiwen and gary tomorrow, because its a lunch date again! tomorrow get back A's, totally STEAM AH.......

Siok you bastard keep taking ice blast after every meal, you fucking tempting me you cock.

I shall go sleep after a unfruitful day because of the fucked up weather that screwed my flight again. it was 36 degree celsius today! i will murder anyone i see burning plastic and doing anything harmful to the environment! talk about the destruction of my exhaust. oh wells, life's a bitch.

Goodnight! and i forgot to say... you're my best!