yet another Oct baby,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOH THONGEN!

I LOVE YOU PEANUT! HOPE YOU GROW BIGGER IN YOUR NUTSHELL AND PRAY HARD THAT MEDICAL SCIENCE DISCOVER THE VACCINE FOR YOUR FREAKING-PEANUT-SICKNESS.

but i secretly hope you will be allergic to peanuts, so i can still call you KOH THONGNUT. ^^

NO MORE FUCKING CHINESE, NO MORE MEOW NOI. provided that i get at least a B for chinese, if not i think i would re-take. maybe a C and i'll be contented, lets just see how things goes. 

all of a sudden, i just like being alone, on my own.. 

Upcoming.

i hate thinking that its the chinese A's tomorrow but i really cannot avoid it! gosh, i didn't prepare and i dont see how i can prepare. read and memorize idioms? really? sure it works? really dont think so..

guess, i'm going to read the texts to 'prepare' myself. however tempting my english books are, i really got to resist them tonight! and, i'll make myself sleep early tonight. fancy feeling the weights of my eyelids at this hour already.

the tape on my back has cause some mysterious itch, and i'm suffering badly. there's no rash no nothing, its just itching like crap and it hurts. i bought prickly heat and it saved my life, but its only temporal. the itch comes back in 20mins or so. nevertheless, can i confess my love for prickly my darling.

club champ on sat and sun, and in a way i'm quite excited. but i haven't touched my clubs since forever which explains my practice tomorrow and friday. then, i would be signing up for SICC Junior. in a way, i dont feel like playing competitive golf anymore. maybe i like feeling teamwork more than being alone. but you cant say i dont love golf anymore. 

i have been d/ling some really old school songs, like those from Westlife and 98degrees. and to be frank, i kind of love their songs. simple words, but their songs always seem to make sense. lyrics always seem to be heartfelt words and i love it like that. so sad, i cannot find trademark's songs anymore. i'm not giving up yet!

curiosity kills, because they lead you to the truth. 

the days ahead, will be exciting. a bang to the end of the year! 

lucks for all losers taking chinese tomorrow! 

Embrace Emotions.

i was on 36 on my way to school, and on this particular stop before VJC, the bus stopped at the stop just a second longer which divert my attention from reading my book. i gazed out of the window, and in seconds, i realized that the driver was waiting for 2 caucasians who was chasing the bus. 

i don't know why, but i just felt delighted looking at something like this. i'm so glad that the driver actually waited for them and gave them a smile when they finally board the bus, already breathless. it left a sweet linger within me and when i alight the bus, i was thinking wouldn't the world be much better with more of this.

this probably gave the caucasians a great impression of Singapore, but with that aside, it surely did made their day. Something so small, might just mean so much to them. i didn't mind waiting which made my journey just 30s longer. i just felt that 30s of waiting was totally worth making someone's day. 

love training, dinner and company just now. :)  

A tidal of good and bad.

these few days have been really weird, like i have been fighting with my thoughts, a lot a lot. and honestly i hate struggling with thoughts, cause they give you a sense of insecurity which is the last thing i would like to have. but really, its inevitable. its just how you face and make sense about certain things. 

i keep trying, really at my best, to not make decisions unless i have to. and until now, i haven't place a point, gave a judgement. sometimes, i think to myself, why do i have to try so hard for others, when others simply say and do what they like. saying and doing things that when i finally know about it, i get so hurt. but i still dont want to face it, unless i finally see and hear it with my eyes and ears. 

insignificant these people may be, i know i really dont have to care about what they say or think. but sadly the truth is, you cannot totally ignore the slightest thing that people say. especially when its about you. 

my greatest concern and confusion here, is what the heck these people are trying to do. it seems like only the superficial matters to you, and you would say anything. i want to know what is your motive and if you have any idea of what you're saying, i really hope you shoot if off my fucking face instead. 

as a matter of fact, i haven't heard it from you. but i'm waiting for a day, when you would expose all the shit that i'm tolerating. you're such that you change so quickly, but i really believe karma bites back. so really, just hand yourself over to time. the harder you try, the worst it seems. 

well, this is just a minority. there are still a great bunch of people out there who rocks my world to the max. and i'm just shooting my head off so i get a peace of mind today. i totally slept through my comfy bed and skipped chinese and i totally find it worth it. maybe not when i get my chinese results back! looking forward to training later, cause we never fail to have fun. 

i understand i understand all that you have, all that you have that you cannot decide. you know that you never had to explain to me, cause i always understand. but i just need to release the sadness within me once in awhile to keep going. i dont know why, but you get this. unfair to others? i really agree, but i dont know how you work. kill me but i keep getting on my feet for you. please dont exhaust it, i'm really afraid that one day i'll start to walk away.

Seth?

you ever hear me saying something like i have a feeling i'm going to die early? how early, i really dont know. but it just tells me its going to be earlier than anyone that's going to read this. i might just end up in a terrible death, something i dont really want to think about. i have many feelings, and usually they're quite right. in a way, i always hit the jackpot, only in the long run.

sad? depressing?

i just read 2 books and it really impact me a lot a lot. you may not see it, but the way i look at things kind of changed. my mentality and the voice within me, seem to have changed.
i read The Last Lecture and Tuesdays With Morrie.
both books are similar and they have the same message to send out to the world. it really saddens me to know that these people died. but then again, if they're not going to die, would we ever know about their greatness? am i to say that dying is great then?

these people die with dignity, they die with a legacy to pass on. even when they are on their deathbeds, they are still changing, they are still fighting. reading their books becomes so personal to me, and i deliberately find time alone to do it. of course, its not like i understand every aphorism in the books, but i try and i use examples and my relationships with people to understand what they really mean.

some that really hit me hard in the head .. "dont make a decision unless you have to.." , "learn to die, and you learn to live.." and the tension of opposites..

its not hard to really live the life you want. but is the life you're living in value of what you and the people around you need? it makes me understand that people now are running their lives half-asleep. we do what people wants, and what people think is right. we just go along and accept the way of living life. everything seems so perfect, but then again i really cannot go on and lie that deep down in me really is happiness.

to live without regret is almost the toughest thing you can ever do. its impossible to me, but in any case that you're going to die today, tomorrow or the next minute, try to reduce your list of regrets?

i read these books so intensely, and now its as though i'm ready for death. really, if death is going to hit me like what i thought, then i would face it with much courage.

the love of parents towards their kids should never be measured. or in way, its inmeasurable. it is evident now that kids really have problems with their parents, and i'm not excluding myself here. but in a way, i know that they love me. its just how differently parents know and express they love for their kids. honestly, would any parent want to drive their kids up the walls? i really dont believe so, and i try to give myself time to allow improvement.

dont let your emotions keep you back from whatever you're doing. get the best experience with your emotions and then you can walk away from it. you feel like crying? just fucking cry and weep all you want, before you tell yourself alright, i cried and now i'm walking away from crying.

my point here, is really to live life to the fullest. there are many different pespective on life and you can chose to take on any you find it comfortable for you. to really understand better, i really suggest anyone to read these books.

i find more joy helping others, making their days. it seemed like i become a happier person when i help someone. and then i realised the selfishness i have for myself at times.

not last, BEST OF LUCK FOR YOUR O'S LOUISA! :D

a happy post?

someone told me that all my recent posts are way too emo, and i agree! well, i really like to blog when i'm full of shit, so i'll feel better. and you can tell, that it has been full of shit recently. well not really, i just didn't make an effort to really talk about happy stuffs, or at least things that are comforting to me.

NO.1 happy thing is.... !!!!!!! , actually i cant really make up my mind, i cant decide which is actually the most happy. because there's nothing that is especially happy, just happy-happy kind of happy, you get what i mean? but i know for sure that something really happy is coming up, and that is my FAVORITE BZZG (grace) and HOT TWIN'S BIRTHDAY! tell me how cool is that!

i finally finished reading a book on my own, and i'm fucking glad to do so! i sound really stupid saying this, but hey, its really an achievement okay. whoever is reading this, should be proud of me! interested to know which book could actually hook me up so well? go to the library and search for Extreme Exposure by Pamela Clare, then you'll understand why a gig like me can finally read.

and.. i'm just a few pages away from finish The Last Lecture which is dam meaningful, will talk about it next time. cause its not a happy thing, i get sad sometimes reading it.

i caught connected with budd and it was really great! god, i haven't watched such a satisfying movie for such a long time! i mean i was totally into every minute of the show and its worth the $6 that day. i mean how much better can it get with a nice subway you sneak it and at the same time have the best budd around. and guess what, we met my favourite BZZG in the same theatre. okay, more like she saw us first and it was a OMG reaction. xin jia po, tai xiao le!

training yesterday was also quite a happy one! cause attendence was good, and we manged to do fundamentals with fun. we started running, and i always feel good when i see them trying their best. though i got my muscle aches this morning, i really think its worth it! i dont mind having this aches everyday if we get trainings like this week in week out.

about my promo results? i'm quite elated to have past 2 subjects. though i know i can do much better, i should be contented. i know there are others who did worst than me, but i just hope we all dont give up working hard. lets just prove a point in the R papers. okay even if the R papers is trivial to many others who did well, lets just take the R papers a stepping stone to our success for the A's, hell yeah!

and knowing some people that matter to me did well, also kinda made me feel good! people like huiwen who got AABE, julynn, jiaxin and even gary who did much better that the mid years, and i'm proud of them. but watch it, cause i might just want to beat this people the next time we have an exam. haha? sounds quite impossible..
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY! :D

i've been watching movies, rented from video-ezy. and i love watching movies, i dont know why! leap years' great, never back down's awesome and even the shutter! hahaha, budd, can you please dont act brave and always ask for horrors? i know you're as timid as i am!

what else.. oh, i got my freaking laptop back! like finally, cause it got spoiled when i haven't used it for more than 20times and had to send it to the freaking repair centre and cost $800 plus to change the motherboard. why no guarantee? cause i was too lazy to bother about it for a year and when the expiry date was up, i complained to my dad to send it for repair. guess i'm a born winner. (N)

gosh, i cant really think of happy stuffs you know. but i feel quite happy now, cause i can watch my favourite HK show on 55 in 8mins time and going to watch money not enough 2 with my maid after that and what happens in vegas. and.. the highlight is i've decided to not go for chinese tomorrow! i would savour my good sleep tonight and enjoy myself with the birthday babies tomorrow!

oh yeah, the words you said, make my day, month and year. i dont know why it would mean so much, but it certainly put a smile on my face, whenever i think of it. there's no way i can thank you enough for everything.

Float me be.

lydia's right, i guess you'll never be replaced. probably always be that sweet and special. the times we had will always be that special to me. i will not try to erase them, and i will let it live in me. let it linger on, till oneday it may or may not fade off. i wait, wait for my one. and i tell myself to have patience, because i'm losing hope in love.

you're one special girl, so special i cant imagine someone else.

many thoughts ran through my mind today. some insignificant, some worrying and some disappointing. but i guess i cant possibly name them all out, because some's too insignificant that it's not even worth to be here. and some are too personal i dont want to talk about it because it'll bother me more.

i'm disappointed at the way you look at life. you give up too easily, and i hate to see that. i care not because you're my friend, but something more than that. it isn't the end of everything, and i dont see why you have to be like this. tell me, whether you're ready to stand up on your feet to face all these. because if you are, i will walk through all these with you. dont tell me you'll be better off living in another world, because i simply dont see it that way with the way you gave up. to me, i already see improvement, so dont lose hope. dont tell me you're shortchanged, dont tell me you've done your best in all these and dont tell me you're treated unfairly. if you think you're cheated then i think you're a loser. i'm sorry i had to say all these, but all because i care too much for you. remember we said we'll do all these together and make it at the end? remember we had dreams, and the way we celebrate our sweet victory? shall we look forward to victory again? i hope you'll be motivated to work harder, not just for me, but for everyone around you that always seemed to care and love you. most importantly, do it for yourself.

i'm finally putting effort into PW because i'm really a free-rider and i feel so guilty towards violet and team. i guess, i gotta run an extra mile for them now. and kick my wonderful weekend off, by meeting violet tomorrow morning. hell yeah, bet i'm going to have a great time.

sometimes you're so complicated i cant understand. you ride me high, only to kill me again. you'll never know how you make my heart beat.

and i thought, are you all out there just to turn the lives of others upside down? i'll never understand why you wouldn't reciprocate with truth when i give you my best. sometimes i just wish to thrash things out, but that would scare the shit out of you. but if i dont, i really cant see this act go on.

then it came out of its hiding place and shot me. like why are things like that. i guess you wondered and worried too much, and you probably hated me for not talking. i never blamed the fact that you didn't understand me enough, instead i wanted to give time. i guess time heals it all, but i guess it doesn't with the way you want it to be. you think i did it on purpose and you think i'm a bastard. hold on, please spare a thought for the childish you. the way you thought would work out fine, was a total disaster to me.

i guess, time with secondary school friends would surely keep me away from these thoughts for awhile. sometimes i think they are the best, because they dont judge me, they dont discourage me, but they embrace me with their words and make me feel at the top of the world, at times. they accept the way i grow up and the way i am. the best part of all, they always seemed to be there whenever i needed them. i guess, i wouldn't want to throw something like that away.

lets wrap up the story with lydia. marvelous ice-cream is really marvelous! we gotta go back for more! and it was fun just walking around, doing things we like, talking about things that were close to our hearts. guess, we'll have more of the nice-nice food in the future right lyd? hahahaha!

guess how beautiful you are? look into my eyes..

off to last lecture! goodnight folks!

So long, so long..

haven't tasted something so sweet in quite awhile..

the way you are, kept me in a daze.

With you.

Happy Birthday Elaine!!!!!!!

promos haven't been any great! there's every chance that i'll fail everything. but wont be too bad till its a big U. CT told me that i didn't make it for chem and that leaves 3 more chances. i'm quite sure i wont make it for maths, and i dont have enough confidence that i'll pass econs and biology.

would things be better if i neglect chem and econs and push harder for maths and biology? i kept thinking about this, but i didn't dare do something like that. or in fact, i couldn't bear to do that. i just 'thought' i could pass them if i study them. probably cause i'm a perfectionist, and i wanted to get perfect Es..

oh well its over, and i really should enjoy myself. and i did, for the past week. but school's starting tomorrow and i'm really feeling the heat. i dont want to end up failing everything, i dont want to know that everything's gone to waste.

would things be better to stay back another year? or would it be better if i make it 2 in J2? or should i drop out to poly? or should i get my ass overseas?

damn, i hate cross roads in life. its good cause i can make a choice, but i'm afraid of chosing something that i might regret over in the future.

i'm such a wimp..

days after the promos have been just MJ, MJ and more MJ. and congrats weehoe for winnning $78 yesterday. hahahhaa, but i think they probably spent $50 of your money already..
it feels good to be with secondary school friends.. it just different, its a different kinda friendship. it seemed that nothing would go wrong, and i hope it'll be like that forever..

Open house was quite fun. playing ball in the freaking sun kills. and i think i'm going to fall sick already. it was fun walking around socializing. hahahha. and THUMBS UP for julynn's dance! (Y) had a great time laughing while racing against jeralyn. and i realized J is one hell of a sweet person! (Y)

movie was great! although i slept for awhile during the show, i think it's quite a funny one. it managed to wake me up a few times! it was totally fun out with budd, like always. 'they are cute-cute, but not cute--cute. you get me?' sure i do budd. :)

i'm finally reading a book! and i think i like reading. it took 17years to unravel this hidden interest. hahaha! meeting ESG at 12 for hari raya celebration. yeah.. cant wait to lay my hands on the food. and my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged, damaged..

oh yeah, fuck that nnbccb indian taxi driver. fuck your attitude, i hope your taxi break down everytime you get a passenger. fucking loser i keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you argh...

oh wells. you make everything seemed perfect! really!