There is this feeling within that i cannot really express. I guess it has been around for quite some many years and i really don't know how to go about talking about it to myself until recently. Its unhealthy all these while but i never seemed to care, always choosing to avoid is what i'm good at. But even then when i can see the root of it all, i can't take the first step. It is a struggle i always face with myself.
The world spins, and she waits for no one. Time continually past, and you are always running along. The time where i would go and she would go doesn't matter, because regardless we cannot be together forever. I chance upon my friend's site talking about Cocoa (her dog) who passed away. Her brother, my childhood friend is now living in Perth. I cannot imagine the grieve and sadness he must have felt. Because ever since i knew him more than a decade ago, Cocoa has always been part of him. And i start to think and reflect about a situation, putting myself in perspective. Its hard.
How many times in life must one regret? Despite knowing that you will regret one day, do you still go around and make corrections and amendments? If you do, how long can you sustain? Can you live the rest of your live doing something because you don't want to regret eventually but deprive yourself of everything else you haven't tried. But we are all humans and in this lifetime, we are bound to regret. How many times have you made your Mum mad? How many times have you lost something you knew you wouldn't have lost it if you paid more attention to it? How many times have you disappointed someone that means a lot to you? If you think harder and farther, you'll realize you could have prevented all these from happening. You could have made your Mum happy instead or feeling upset. You could, and you could have chosen to spend more time with people you love more time before they leave you, eventually.
I've been cold like a block of ice. 20 years ago before i was born, someone was waiting for me on the surface of this very world. This person is around to take care and protect me from anything that could mean harm to me. She was like a guardian, someone whom i would see more in this lifetime so far in comparison to the amount of times i've seen my Dad plus my Mum. And that just months ago, we had to appeal to let her stay for another 2 more years because there is always a limit. Yes i put a silent relief in my chest that i never noticed. What happens 2 years later? I reckon, i would have to face it even before then. What happens when reality really hits me, i really cannot imagine. That is the reason why i never dared to question myself and choosing to avoid every single time. Simply because i know i cannot face this truth, because i don't know what i can do to remedy or to create an alternative.
Another is a pet who behaves more like my closest friend and companion. I refused to treat her like an animal because she doesn't behave like one, she's humanlike to me. One that because of my willfulness when i was younger to be able to have her now. I will never forget the day that i went to the farm and out of many, i chose her because of that clear and perfect symmetrical color shades on her face. The look into her hazel eyes that gave me a feeling that she must be soft inside. The droopy ears that matches her face always is a killer to me putting down everything on hand to spend some time with her. All these years, she's aged tremendously but people don't noticed because she looks young and small in nature. But i don't because i watch her everyday and i observe her behavior. I touch her and i know that her muscles are soft now, i put my hand on her belly and i know each breath she takes requires more effort than a decade ago. She watches me with those eyes like she knows how i feel. She bids me goodbye every time i leave home and greets me each time i'm home. She never barks because she knows it is a nuisance. She hides when she does something wrong because she is afraid. She tries to remedy when she faults accidentally. These are feelings of a human and not a beast.
One day and very soon we have to say goodbye to each other which till now i cannot figure how to. To a place where i cannot feel her everyday, and i will yearn to carry her and let her rest on me. Hoping each day that i won't receive news that she couldn't wait for me. I'm afraid, very afraid to know one day that i would lose either of these 2 most precious people in my life. Because i cannot cope. I refuse to act like i might lose them soon, its my nature. I don't like to face reality and especially when the truth hurts. Because i cannot cope.
To each time i drink and feel terribly happy, i don't feel happy at all if you know. I thought i could drown images of you away but no. It gets into me more and i feel helpless. I feel worst because all i do is to sit down and close my eyes and you get all my attention. In comparison to when i'm alive and sober i could go down to basics and chase the wind or doing anything else that could divert my attention. So maybe, just maybe i would cut acting pathetic with myself and regret feeling more pain than ever when i thought i'll feel less.
