ON.

I FINALLY GOT TO THE SKY TODAY. and i'm so fucking happy and proud of myself. it wasn't easy to finally get to where i am, but of course, there's such a long walk ahead of me. this is just the beginning of aviation and yes i want more.

I realized i had this silly smile on my face when i was up there, because it suddenly felt like a dream come true. not only for me, but for others and most importantly my mum. everything was so small up there. and i tried to find my car from the clouds and my car was smaller than a lego brick. so much for, YES MY CAR IS MY EVERYTHING and i want to build my life around it. suddenly, my car is nothing.

This is not my only realization. Singapore is such a small place, i almost flew out of it so many times. and then i look at the highways, the roads, the vehicles moving, the flats and houses, the reservoirs and gardens, the zoo, and people around with their activities. and i know that i am living in such a small box all along. i thought i knew a lot, a lot, but the truth hits me now. that i've been building my world around a place so small and i'm starting to chose to settle down. wtf, when i haven't even seen the world!

And i know that i'm lucky, very lucky. because not many people have the chance and opportunity to go for what they want. worst, some don't even realize!

Tomorrow's second flight, hopefully weather's good! and, hope the body's better in the air tomorrow. pray X34324091234750984375 i don't puke, cause fucking malu and they might kick you out of the course. and also that appointment with GM will go smoooth...

Time is short, and i really need to cherish my time with people worth my attention. i need to get things right! easier said than done, but yes i'm strong i won't give up easily!

Yonghe.

Days are great when its simple. its when i have my rest and peace. its when i get to sleep enough and wake up to have the time to shit, read the papers and update myself with the world and have a heavenly tea. this routine is godly.

Then a nap is a must, a nap is crucial to making me a happy man. in other words, i thrive in a pig's lifestyle. and yes i really do.

Yesterday was happy, because i did the things i love. wen and i met for gym which was love, then he watched me have my dinner (so sweet and love), then we went to geylang for youtiao and soyabean which was love again. its the umpteen time i'm saying this but i'm still going to say it, that time with wen is always love because i still enjoy myself even if we talk about the same things, do the same things, and laugh over the same things.

I really hope its a right decision 10 years down the road. i hope it is a decision made right, and i hope i get onto the fleet and not to nowhere. but you can never plan the future, because somethings it is really not within your control. opportunities come and go, and if you're meant to make it, the chances you have will always be easier to take.

X'mas is coming! and i remember, how much you loved Christmas.

Vintage.

It's funny because i always feel the same. regardless of where i am, as long as i'm in new places, i wish you'll be the one with me.

Bangkok has been awesome so far. so glad, i recovered so i can enjoy the rest of the trip. now, to finish angels and demons and enjoy last day tomorrow!

I miss you, and i miss you, and i miss you bambi, i miss you integra, and i miss you fujitsubo, and i really really do miss you.

Overdid.

Prom was great! as usual, you see people you know but don't recognize all of a sudden! especially girls. nevertheless, i think all my buddies looked simply suave and mature! (Y) i thought anders deserved prom king!

On the side note, the food wasn't good. wasn't worth the money, neither was the service. especially the fucking taxi guy.

Post-prom at supper was awesome too. to see everyone going high and crazy, was shocking. you see people like huiwen, cb, peanut and so many more in the mood and rhythm. then we saw jason and his gf, jx and his gf and other friends like jiawei, sean, marcus tang and countless others, including mag!

Darren is a crazy guy. but its fun to club with him! i'm sure there will be more! he's such a fucker, open bottle after i go home. nb. and what a waste couldn't really club with cuzz and the rest. maybe a bit of yuhua but too little of the others.

Left the club with wen. despite losing both our voices, and feeling so shagged from all the dancing, it felt good to be with him. we walked along the empty roads and we talked about heartfelt stuff. and it feels weird to be out with him in the wee hours! huiwen don't you just hate me, i'm always part of your first times. (never your first sex okay)

Today was recuperation from post-prom and the fucking virus i'm down with. luckily i didn't drink much, if not i don't think i'll be well for bangkok. i skipped yfc today, and i feel fucking guilty. its so fucked up, its sucking up all my holiday. fucking full-time flying, nb. and when i'm back from bangkok, i need to do so much so much catch up. and i fucking hate it, because its just like school and what's the point of a holiday.

Dropped by the range to condition my golf for bangkok. then met zhai and boon for pool. and coincidentally, alvin, cephas and ck met up for pool too. so we kinda pool together. pool is such a love.

With the bad sore throat i have, how the hell am i going to enjoy all my tomyum. fuck this. i better pray miracles happen.

Bangkok early in the morning, and i can't wait for the food and drinks there. the golf, and the fucking massage! be back on tuesday and don't worry i will miss you.

Yay, Macau got postponed to 1st Jan, now i can go for djie's christmas party. but it also means i don't have time to rest for phuket. and it also means more catch up to come for yfc. oh fuck it.

Oka is such a sweetie, waiting for me to finish blogging so can bid goodnight to me. i really think we gay. luckily neither of us is a female, if not confirm everlasting love relationship. haha. kakak, isn't it great we can share about everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. and we fucking understand what each other mean. haha, fucking sick but i like. jakarta and bali to look forward!

If the only solution is to move on after every rejection, then i think its pointless to love someone.

I've been thinking about it all day and all night, and i still get no point. its true that its a passing phase, and its over. its good to know that because of you, i don't do the wrong things. you're like a reminder to everything, and you appear as and when you want. its hard because i cannot even make up a reason to see you again, and its tough because i don't even get to hear you.

But there is nothing i can do.

Unplugged.

I realized this blog has been running for 4 years already, and this is only 206th post. a sign of blogging insufficiently? i don't think so! maybe cause i put in super extra effort in blogging i take a few days/months to recuperate. awful bullshit, but let me live in some self-denial okay. doing a lot of that recently.

I'm still the same old guy when i started with this blog. its funny when i look back and see how i've changed. i didn't changed, i didn't think differently, and i didn't feel different about things. i still feel the same way, the only thing that have changed is the way i expressed myself.

I look back and its amazing. i can't believe the ups and down i've been through. the feeling of being naive, the overwhelming emotions at cloud 99, and not forgetting those days in utter darkness. en route to this place where i am now, i think its remarkable. the people i got to know, the friends i make, the people i say goodbye to and say fuck off to. it adds up to almost everyone and anyone i've seen and its sick. its a sick load of people. and through everything, are just lessons learnt, blessings earn and regrets made.

And all these made me who i am.

First day of flying today. as good as it sounds, its not. you don't actually fly on your first day, but you work and strive to get to first flight. its a whole lot more complicated and tougher than driving and its definitely on my conquer list now. driving only needs speedometer, rpm and the occasional sound to boost ego. but flying is an art! cockpit got don't know how many nb gadgets to memorize and internalize. full time now, and i still have to make a decision whether to give up Bangkok. this sucks.

Feels good to be out with huiwen and gary and babe today. other than the rare opportunity of a hot man date, it is the chance to be happy again! even if it wasn't that long a date, even if we still settled at the same old places we loved to eat, even it rained heavily which made transport somewhat a little more annoying for me, it always is enjoyable. and the chance to express yourself, even when you're speaking the most abstract stuff on earth, and someone can get it, its top notch, top notch stuff.

Today i did something dumb. i drove to ECP and realized that all the carparks are blocked for standard chartered marathon later. so i had a hard time trying to find a place to park. after i finally found a nice cosy spot, i couldn't figure where to keep my car keys while jogging. i contemplated keeping leaving the car unlocked, keeping the keys within the rims, or keeping them secure with my balls in the undies. but all choices suck especially the last one, because i don't want to suffocate my car keys although its a great deal of warmth down there. and i definitely don't want to leave permanent key marks on my delicate balls.

So, i sped back home with Westlife. feels like the boyband was sitting in the car with me. and i was the lead singer and they sang along with me. i'm sure they enjoyed my singing and of course the car ride.

Its scary, very scary. i really wonder how women operate. i would never leave such shit for my son. and its plain logic dad, its obvious, can you just admit it. you have lost your senses and your judgement for the right and wrong is impaired. i hate to talk to you now, because its not me. whatever you criticized of me, i know its not your words but hers. and every time you talk, i know its not you, but her. and it hurts me, because i know there is no point in talking, there is no point in communicating. the best part of this all, its a problem we will never solve.

I smile and you call me sarcastic. what a joke, its because i don't always want to end up crying after talking to you you blockhead. see, now i know why i'm such a numb.

I promised not to be affected, but its hard. i know i'm losing rationale, and i'm being the freak. but does it matter? what does all these boil down to. my phone never blinked tonight, and i know its a sign of things going downhill again. the cart is going to crash, and there i go again.

Today was as promised, a part of you becoming integral to me. feels normal to wake up and have dreams, and hopes diminished by night.

I know, i know this is only a passing phase. and i should get out of it asap.

Now, time to catch some fucking sleep i so fucking longed for.

Liberation.

Finally its over. i can't be any delighted!

Now with the order of things, i'm going to take them down one by one. endlessness, a good sign?

Hell yeah, i think about you all the time. i don't know where the fuck you are, what the fuck you are doing, who the fuck you are with, who the fuck and what the fuck you are thinking of. i know shit about you.

And its becoming a fucking routine every night. looks like its a matter of getting used to now. nothing else matters, i just want my sleep back. back from you.

I'll wait forever and another day for you.

Insomnia.

Wait for fuck. don't even know what the fuck i am waiting for. i don't even understand what the hell i'm doing to myself. i reminded myself countless times, but only to fall deeper and deeper. i don't know what the fuck you're trying to do, other than making me feel worst. sometimes i'm more than a fool, to be so silly.

I know i want it back too badly. i know i'm yearning more and more for it everyday. i know its overwhelming, and i know how much it means to me. i've lost it for too long, and now i want it bad. very badly.

The good thing is i've made up my mind. this is better than giving up.

A moment of her time just seems impossible to me.
It’s hard to find the words, to get to know this stranger.
I’m scared of what she’ll say if what I say sounds incomplete,
And it feels like we belong together.
Can someone tell me where do I start.

Cause, I can’t keep on feeling the way I do.
I can’t keep on, hiding my heart from you.
I got to say something before,
Someone else comes through.
I can’t keep on loving you,
From a distance.