Axial.

And so after say what the past 7 years, things finally took a change, took a turn. And i wouldn't say that i like, enjoy and appreciate it. True that change is the only constant, and regardless of how much that was said and done things would definitely be different even if you didn't notice.

I found out about something i didn't know all these while. And i was gutted to find out that like how i have always been living on a prayer, someone else have been too. Sometimes i ask myself questions that never have been answered, but now i know why i could never answer. If i was living in such agony inside, someone else have always been feeling this way. But it didn't matter to me.. And that's why i didn't mattered.

I cannot repeat myself about how i have always been feeling. I feel lousy because i don't dare to look at things that have passed for a long time, i'm afraid that i'll feel worst. What does it mean if i'm not able to face up to it? But funny how i dared to read from some 4 years ago. Each time i'm here, there's an emotion that is named after you that i'm feeling. I cannot think of any other expression, because its true what i said. And every time i promised myself to something, i could never do it. There is hardly anything that i cannot do if i want to, but this requires the greatest discipline because its a cause that i cannot see whether i'm right or wrong. And this is truly being a believer. Who else can be like me.

You never failed to cease, regardless. Especially so in tough times. While i was doing my paper today, i almost broke down. Because of the countless continuous thoughts streaming through my head the past few days, i almost crashed and gave up. I had to squeeze hard and dig deep for whatever's left in me to push it away. But even still, you were unconsciously dominating my mind. I breathe a sigh of relief when i dropped my pen and rushed out of the room. The sun shining onto my skin i took a deep breathe and i know i'm still alive.

I thought i smelled you, the touch of your hair on my face and the unfamiliar laughter buzzing in my year. The giggling that drives me crazy. I feel like a dam over-flooding and doing everything i can to prevent a catastrophe. I wake up and run with the wind because i feel gutted. I create pain so that i can ease another but always failing. I tried to keep myself busy but still you find a way through.

For all these mess i'm in, at least i know what i'll do if tomorrow's the last day of this world.

If i could get over, i would have. If i haven't, then how long would i take? Or am i even not meant to. This is unfair, totally unfair. This is why i hate being myself, because i always lose. But because of all my stupid ideology, i could have lost everything that i used to have. In fact, i don't get shit. All i get is to lie in a mess and mirror myself and laugh at how silly i am. I promised to never go over the edge, but i did so again. And i felt pathetic and useless. But i will do it again and again and again. Because that's what i am, but get it because this is only for you.