Adjustment.

Yesterday was spent at the medical centre. Initially thought i would just collect my medicine and book out but things took a turn. Had to be put on drip with 2 extra jabs which eventually got my knocked out. Needle-phobia but i was in so much discomfort i couldn't be bothered worrying about the pain and all. Needle went into the blood vessel like a worm crawling under my skin and blood spilled all over my forearm, for a moment i thought i would faint. I just had to stare at it and the doctor administered 2 jabs which he already informed me that i would be extremely drowsy. 1 down and i immediately saw the world spinning around, before the second one was totally administered, i almost puked and i just couldn't catch my breathe. The lump in my chest formed up and it kept rising through my throat. Feeling of being gagged and i can't do anything about it. Before i knew it, i went into a world where i became oblivious to everything around me.

The moment i woke up, i felt so terrible. I couldn't sleep because of how fucked up that 2 jabs were. It was so strong i could still feel it, felt like puking and yet i couldn't. I was so restless i jerked up from my bed every 10s for 2 hours, each time feeling like i want to either suffocate myself to death or do anything to get out of this misery. I couldn't help but got out of bed on my own with the drip stand, went to the toilet and tried to puke but to no avail, i went back to the bed and hope for some peace within me. To what seemed like a couple of days, i finally felt better when the effect of the jab was off and the doc finally agreed to let me off. I felt like a soldier, after all.

Today, i woke up and went to play ball. I had my favorite prawn mee, katong laksa, bread ice-cream, popeyes and popcorn. That's to make up for the shit i went through yesterday, but yeah i don't really care the weekdays are so fucked up, i need to feel normal again.

Off to read my papers because i've been so shut off from the world, and my thoughts with the people in Japan i really hope you guys tide through this and rebound strong. Its my dream place and even though its disaster-prone, i wouldn't mind being there.

Just popped 2 mini harmless looking pills, but god they taste awful. Feeling drowsy by the seconds, again.

Arsenal must win.

Inflict.

I find it harder to come here nowadays. Days went by so fast, this quickly. Been in, hardly out and the weeks flew past me. The weeks running out, the days counting down to do the things i really want to do. Feeling afraid to lose the chance of doing things i want to do, or haven't done. To take this step forward is a dare, because i get so unsure. Ive made up my mind before, but when you're into it you get another perspective. Do i really get exposed or am i stuck in a well now?

I've been trying to be the best i can be. To learn from mistakes and not make the same ones. To help people, to help myself become stronger than how i used to be. I try to think of the big picture and not neglecting the small details. I tried to be my men's man. All in all, it was a good experience.

Is it really going to be just like that? Days are harder this way, but what can i do? Suck it up i know, because yes you've been treated like garbage again. Not new, but i want to know why. Because i keep seeking for answers within myself. Keeping myself busy and occupied is one, but whether you are in denial or not is another. My light never did shine again. Is it really that easy for you? There is no point anymore. Things that associate with you, i have to stop doing, thinking and looking. I will try, to stop bleeding.

I just feel sad, that things have to go this way. Things have to end this way because of reasons i will never know. Reasons i don't know how long and how easy you've been able to make it. But either way, a trooper has to move his legs.