Unplugged.

I realized this blog has been running for 4 years already, and this is only 206th post. a sign of blogging insufficiently? i don't think so! maybe cause i put in super extra effort in blogging i take a few days/months to recuperate. awful bullshit, but let me live in some self-denial okay. doing a lot of that recently.

I'm still the same old guy when i started with this blog. its funny when i look back and see how i've changed. i didn't changed, i didn't think differently, and i didn't feel different about things. i still feel the same way, the only thing that have changed is the way i expressed myself.

I look back and its amazing. i can't believe the ups and down i've been through. the feeling of being naive, the overwhelming emotions at cloud 99, and not forgetting those days in utter darkness. en route to this place where i am now, i think its remarkable. the people i got to know, the friends i make, the people i say goodbye to and say fuck off to. it adds up to almost everyone and anyone i've seen and its sick. its a sick load of people. and through everything, are just lessons learnt, blessings earn and regrets made.

And all these made me who i am.

First day of flying today. as good as it sounds, its not. you don't actually fly on your first day, but you work and strive to get to first flight. its a whole lot more complicated and tougher than driving and its definitely on my conquer list now. driving only needs speedometer, rpm and the occasional sound to boost ego. but flying is an art! cockpit got don't know how many nb gadgets to memorize and internalize. full time now, and i still have to make a decision whether to give up Bangkok. this sucks.

Feels good to be out with huiwen and gary and babe today. other than the rare opportunity of a hot man date, it is the chance to be happy again! even if it wasn't that long a date, even if we still settled at the same old places we loved to eat, even it rained heavily which made transport somewhat a little more annoying for me, it always is enjoyable. and the chance to express yourself, even when you're speaking the most abstract stuff on earth, and someone can get it, its top notch, top notch stuff.

Today i did something dumb. i drove to ECP and realized that all the carparks are blocked for standard chartered marathon later. so i had a hard time trying to find a place to park. after i finally found a nice cosy spot, i couldn't figure where to keep my car keys while jogging. i contemplated keeping leaving the car unlocked, keeping the keys within the rims, or keeping them secure with my balls in the undies. but all choices suck especially the last one, because i don't want to suffocate my car keys although its a great deal of warmth down there. and i definitely don't want to leave permanent key marks on my delicate balls.

So, i sped back home with Westlife. feels like the boyband was sitting in the car with me. and i was the lead singer and they sang along with me. i'm sure they enjoyed my singing and of course the car ride.

Its scary, very scary. i really wonder how women operate. i would never leave such shit for my son. and its plain logic dad, its obvious, can you just admit it. you have lost your senses and your judgement for the right and wrong is impaired. i hate to talk to you now, because its not me. whatever you criticized of me, i know its not your words but hers. and every time you talk, i know its not you, but her. and it hurts me, because i know there is no point in talking, there is no point in communicating. the best part of this all, its a problem we will never solve.

I smile and you call me sarcastic. what a joke, its because i don't always want to end up crying after talking to you you blockhead. see, now i know why i'm such a numb.

I promised not to be affected, but its hard. i know i'm losing rationale, and i'm being the freak. but does it matter? what does all these boil down to. my phone never blinked tonight, and i know its a sign of things going downhill again. the cart is going to crash, and there i go again.

Today was as promised, a part of you becoming integral to me. feels normal to wake up and have dreams, and hopes diminished by night.

I know, i know this is only a passing phase. and i should get out of it asap.

Now, time to catch some fucking sleep i so fucking longed for.