ya, u can talk like this.

ya thats right. now i know what you're talking about. now i know exactly what you mean. now i know how easily you forget what u said. now i know what you are.
and thanks for showing everything to me.
its clear enough.
i wont touch anything, since you like it like this.

all kept inside.

i wanted to blog long ago, but i just... i dont know. every night, i'll only turn in at 2am, though i tell people that i'm going to sleep when its 10, or 11. i just lie on the bed, unable to sleep, until all my thoughts bore me to sleep. but thank God, i still have people to talk to me over the net when i'm really down.

i woke up this morning, and i just felt like blogging everything down.

one lunch, so important, that we both didn't know. caused such a big and drastic change to everything. it is one step to know each other closer for sure, lets make use of that. its one big step for us to be much closer, so lets make use of that. lets not let anything go again. i promise, i'll never stand away.

just this saturday, i was into the 3rd round of the Club Championship. alright.. you're supposed to play good enough for the 1st 2 rounds of the club championship and the top 16 would qualify to the 3rd round. and then the top 8 from the 3 round would qualify to the final round. i was 9th going into the 3rd round, actually i was standing at a good position to qualify for the 4th. i knew i could beat some people currently in the top 8. i played well on saturday, my score was 77. first round was a disappointing 82, then second was 78. my best was actually on the 3rd round, shouldn't i deserve to qualify for the final round? sadly... i was 9th and i missed the 8th position by 1 stroke.

this tournament really means a lot to me, at this point of time. not because this tournament is so big and grand. but i just wanted to prove to myself something. i just wanted to prove to others that i'm not a walk over. you know, some people at my age, also playing very good golf. have been the eye candy of many others, have been getting all the fame and praises. and i just feel like i'm in the dark. thats my problem for golf, i just need a break through, i just need someone to really spot my talent. its not that all i want is fame and all, but when everything happens in front of you, it demoralises you. sometimes, very drastically.
well when i missed the final round of this tournament, the golfing executive came out and told me.. sorry julian, come back again next year. that just broke my heart some how. i knew he was worried for me too, i knew he want me in too. so i waited patiently outside the scoring office for the results to be out, and i was told about that result. i just felt sooooo unlucky.

sunday was church. i think the big thing about it was friendship connection. so i spend most of my time with yingying, cause leon couldn't make it. i dont know, but at the last part of everything, i just thought that i'm everything that Kong said. i know i'm a sinner, thats why i stood up. my legs were trembling, i was dying for a clean heart. thats why i stood up. but all in all, i'm still glad that i'm brave enough to stand up for what i want and for what i did.
i want to stand up for what i want, and to step out instead of waiting for the result to come.

i dont want to talk about monday.

yesterday.. i just had a very bad day with myself. we had a friendly match with sengkang. we lost, and i think we should lose more. i played very badly, i felt like i was all alone on the court. i felt like i was fighting everything alone. it made me want to give up so badly, even at one point of time, i just felt like leaving the stadium. i know i know, all of you are sick of my attempts, and all my turnovers. i know this is not the julian you all want on the court. but hey, i'm struggling with myself now. please give me time........ i dont understand how you all joke when the team's in this situation. i know we can never go far if all these carry on, but you all dont seem to realise anything yet. now i feel like step that i take on the court is wrong. i feel that when i put the ball down and dribble, its wrong. when i take the initiative to drive, its wrong. when i pick up the shot to shoot, its like wrong. turnovers are like the best thing our team can do now. i really felt like shit when i cant do anything and just watch turnovers. i feel like shit when i do my best to control my temper on the court, and you all dont realise anything and just throw all your temper on me. i hate to see our team losing. i hate to see our team so quiet. i hate to see my coach put his hand on his face.

i'm just feeling lousy about myself nowadays. i'm feeling very down. because of various things that i'm facing now. i hope things would take a turn and everything would fall into place and be in a better situation than it is now. i know i have to go through a lot now before i can be happy again.
life has its ups and downs.

i have many things to look forward to now.
more friendlies are still coming, and i wish to improve myself. the class chalet's today till friday, lets see how things are going to go. i have monthly medal on saturday, i want to see how i'm going to play. church on sunday, Rev, Phil Pringle is coming. and what. the long waited taiwan trip. its less than 2 weeks from now on.

but there are also things not to look forward to.
my RE-EXAM for AMATHS this thurday. so irritaing, i haven't started on anything yet. it'll be a joke if i fail my re-exam. omg.

i hate myself for being such a lousy person to you. i hate myself for bringing you so pain at this point of time. i hate myself for making you think so much. i hate myself, for making you make sacrifices. i hate myself for making you make so much decisions. i hate myself for changing for who you are. i hate myself for bringing all these to you. i really hate myself for you.

lets wait for our breakthrough. okay? we will wait together.

lets unite and ignite.

game against yuying was a goner today. i dont know what the hell happened to everyone, including myself. for today's game, i really had opinions about everyone. i spoke and i'm ready to listen to what others had to say about me. i thought that was the right attitude everyone should have in the team, but sometimes, i think its really tough for someone to open up.

we draw the game at 51-51. what the hell is wrong with the scoring. anyway, before the match, my legs felt weak. i think cause of the light and late lunch i had. cereal and protein powder. i'm never going to try that again. my legs felt tired and my defence was like crap today. i couldn't move my legs quick enough, making myself foul too much. i couldn't jump high enough for my drives, wasting all the foul-ins. at least, i make use of all the points on the line.

i really felt terrible during the match. its like the team is trying their best to create turnovers. you know how it feels when your team is having that problem. we were told to run 10rounds of the field after the match and to have deep thoughts about our game. WE ARE SUPPOSED, but some didn't. so coach was really furious about it, and scolded some. ah.... i think we just need to trust our coach.

if we dont, how are we going to fight? and... win? thursday training, i hope everyone can be present and get everything right again.

honestly coach, i was really mad at you at first. i was really angry about what you're doing, what you're trying to do and all. i really wanted to scream in your face and curse and swear at you. luckily i didn't. at least you gave me a chance to speak up later on, and i'm glad i felt better after that. i hope everyone really cleared their doubts. i hope some people would set their hearts to put in their best efforts. i hope some people wont give up so easily. i hope some people would listen and not go mad. i hope we can be a team.

lets unite and ignite.

lets do it team.

Mcwings Mcwings Mcwings Mcwings!! is dam nice. but.......... its dam fattening. :(

super sunday 3-0.

look at the time, hahaha. i watched the Arsenal vs Liverpool. i'm a big fan of Arsenal if you know me well, anyway... THEY WON 3-0!!! dam shiok. brightens up my day at least. hah, if they lost, i dont think i can sleep well. 1st goal by flamini at 41min, 2nd at at 56min by toure and 3rd one at 80min by gallas. Arsenal played well la, so tough luck for Liverpool.

recently i have been quite busy.
basketball have been training, friendly, training, friendly, training, friendly, gym, gym and gym. haha. its good to have friendlies, can see everyone trying their best at least. and i'm doing my best also, but man, its really tough to hang on sometimes. but anyway, i have my motivation. tuesday playing against Yuying, bring it on man.

golf.... mm. i'm into the 3rd round of the club championship. i'm currently 9th position, i need to squeeze into the top8 to proceed to the final round. 3rd round's next saturday. so, i need to train up this week. Johnson called for a game on wednesday morning, so i'll probably be golfing on wednesday.

i've been going to lan almost everyday and it sucks. its really quite a waste of money at the end of the day. but hey, thats one good way to bond with my juniors. haha. hah, liangkai and i went over to stay at jasper's place on friday night prior to our friendly match against mitchel and all on saturday morning. i had a good time there. haha. liangkai is dam enthu about XBOX NBA. lol. its dam funny when you see him play. thanks jasper anyway.

i went to sonny's chalet on sat night with eugene and i made a new friend, Benjamin. another nice guy. hah, its good to catch up with all my golfing friends all of a sudden. we used to train all together and we see each other in the club every weekend. but things have changed drastically, they all promoted to poly and hence their hectic schedule. not just them but i changed my priorities as well. golf seem to be the only thing for me during the weekends 2years ago. but since i've made friends from secondary school, i tend to hang out with them during the weekends once in awhile.
back to the chalet, i made other friends, introduced by sonny. they dont play golf, but they're like people that are from another world. people with tatoos, fags, piercings, drinks and chicks. sounds bad? not exactly, its getting common to see teenagers like that in time to come. i drank quite a lot that night, KNOWING THAT I HAVE TO ATTEND CHURCH EARLY THE NEXT MORNING. hahaha. tried this bloody nice ice wine from canada, courtesy of sonny, it cost $250 a bottle. he's flithy rich la, so he bought 3cartons a shot. hahaa. madness?

so i got home around 2am, bathed and knock-out on bed. woke up at 8 in the morning and attend church. pastor Ulf Ekman preached and i knew i was in for a treat. i was really trying my best to listen attentively at first, but the second half of his speech, i just got tired and restless. i fell asleep a couple of times and dam......... i'm feeling guilty about it. to think that i still have to cheek to write it out. hah, just be truthful.....
he's a powerful man, powerful words flow out of his mouth.

lunch at airport's staff canteen again. ate a lot la, again i'm guilty. haha. after that, the cell group split, half went to study at Macs, some left. me and leon went to meet chunyong at simei. i bought a new knee guard, think its really very protective. waited for leecheng to arrive before heading to play pool. leon left halfway and soon after, we left too and headed to chunyong's place. i fell asleep at leecheng's place and got up around 7pm. laze around before going out for dinner at simei again with leeying's family. left and got home after that, and HERE I AM AFTER WATCHING THE MATCH.
hey, chunyong's = leecheng's = leeying's family. hahahaha. ( in case you dont know )

i'm so bruised up all over, and how i wish you could come over just to spend a moment with me. to heal my heart, to heal all my headaches. dont worry, i'm thinking about you all the time. and no matter where you are, you'll love me always, always. i remember that, always. i know how much you need me as well, and i really wish i could be there. i'll be waiting for our day, but please dont let me wait alone. let me love you and put you in my arms.

i need rest.

ugly.

i have a friend. he told me, poured out, so much to me. we were on-lookers.
what can little achievements do? while others just shut up, u talk non-stop. dont u feel weird or embarrased? this friend of mine, had plenty of achievements but never bragged. instead, many thought otherwise while some stood by him. even if its an invitation, its not of you. its the face of others please. he dont throw wetblankets at others, he encourage his friends. but they soared so high up in the sky, that none can see. now he comes to school with a unknown identity about himself, just showing grins of happiness. i know you are just waiting for a chance to tell him how much he really ____. but dont do it my friend, wait for the right time. i'm sure your other friends are waiting for this chance too.

dont cry anymore.

a dream of mine is coming to an end. i hate to see it end, and it pains me. really, i'm nothing in the end.

you are so beautiful,
to me.

the middleman.

got home after watching ROB-B-HOOD. its another Jackie Chan's production. and its FREAKING nice. hahaha. watched it with k.c, leon, cy, andy and hozy. the show's really really great cause its almost what everybody wants. there's plenty of actions, it makes u laugh like mad, you can also make u cry and there's twist to the story. hah, if u can catch it, go. dont hesistate. i was laughing my head off in the middle of the show and awhile later, i really felt like crying. when the baby almost died and how 'Daddy' and 'Mommy' saved him was really touching.

i was in school in the morning for biology class and then had to continue to bridge. biology was about genetics, sounds interesting? yeah it is, but the learning process is abit boring. ZzzZz. Amaths bridging was so so, you cant really learn much. i think its the teacher, maybe its just me. but she's really fast and i think she's just teaching for the sake of completing her work. well, i know the rest is still up to me to get what i want to achieve.

STREET SOCCER after the lesson!!! hahaha. i'm really into playing soccer recently with the table tennis boys. its really fun!!! hahahaha. i'm serious, and it somehow feels good to bond closer with other friends. and hey, teamwork not only with basketball players but also with table tennis players. hah, i dont mind playing if they'ld ask me again.

i had to ref a friendly match for the girls after that. our school won ZhongHua and i think they played well. MAGDALENE the STAR! haha. i dont know if i ref well or not. lol. i think so? maybe not. C boys also had a friendly with HongKah after that. i didn't stay to watch cause we rushed off for the movie. anyway, they're cheaters, they brought sec3's to play against our juniors. like is it very satisfying just to win ANGLICAN? haha. anyway, i think our boys lost.

i have a tatooo!!!! its red dragon's wing on my back. haha. just joking. you know whats kwa saa?? (in chinese). thats my own hanyupinyin translation which i think its wrong. lol. anyway, they used something very hard to rub against my back. its supposed to help relieve the stress and pain, and i think it helped. but the whole process is torturous. i was screaming at some point like a fag. hahaha. now its really red and it swelled, but its not so bad already.

i skipped training on tuesday because i wanted to rest my knees. i thought of just resting for the rest of the week. but looking at the attendance on tuesday and my eagerness to play, i think i'll be there for tomorrow's training. but i'm really afraid that something might just happen to my knee and i might just break my back or something. in my heart, i'm really afraid. and i know something like that would just happen anytime, in the near future. but what can i do.. can i stop training or something. i think its almost impossible. if i stop training, then what's going to happen to the basketball team, what about my golf, what about building a toned body, what about fulfiling all the promises i've made. i think i'm just dedicated to sports. indirectly, i'm putting my life down for sports already. looking at things, my body condition is worst than a 46 years old client of my masseur. and think about what's going to happen to me when i turn 20. would i be all bruised up inside, and while others have their fitness at their peak in the army, i scream and whine about back aches in the dormitory. i really dont want that to happen. :(

golf have been quiet after i won that club championship thing with my partner. i'm like taking a break from things. and i'll be back sooon i promise.

church is getting weird for me recently. i dont know why.. it used to be about marraiges and all, and i know it cant be about all these forever. what i mean is like, i feel dumb when it comes with the bible. like sometimes, i cant understand what he's saying. hah, you guys must be saying that of course!! you're not a christian yet! and you dont go for bible classes, thats why u dont understand. i dont think thats the main reason about it, or maybe it is. i dont know. time will tell. and its true when people say you take things for granted in time to come. i used to cherish and enjoy every moment when i'm inside, but things seem to take a turn now. its not like i start saying that i dont like this or i dont like that. but just that i dont appreciate some things as much as while ago. certain things i go WOW! now i go oh...... something like that. and i hope i wont continue to be like this and become worst. :(

you know i really feel like giving up. you make a world and put me on top of it feeling so great, and then you detroy everything in front of me and i fall feeling the pain. its really tough to get certain meaning across someone's mind, and in the process, its really hurting and painful. i might just give up upon everything like that.

recently, i've been listening to a songs from this China singer, Sun Nan. at first, as usual, i didn't had a good impression of this guy. why? basically, because he's from China. well, this guy is a friend of my mum and he gave my mum 20 albums with his signature. my mum passed one to me and asked me to listen and guess what, he's songs are really nice!! lol, i'm serious. he's voice is better than Jay but in terms of popularity, i think Jay is like 10times ahead of him. well, even though Sun Nan is better than Jay, i still like both of them as much now. and i just realised that Sun Nan is really popular in China, not in the S'pore region. haha. but really, if u have a chance to get his album or something, you wont regret. he's song are emotional..... now you know why i like he's songs. hahaha.

this holiday is so weird......... really, but its good in a way. i miss you like crazy, at anytime, anything that i do. 3years sound short but if you look at the path ahead, its really long. almost impossible to see the end of it, but why must we be so worried about finishing the race. why not hold hands and enjoy everything that we see around. why complain about the little time we can spend and how long 3years would be. instead why dont we just enjoy everything now and appreciate each other as much as we can. 'honey', 'darling' were so precious at first, and now, not that its not precious. but it doesn't make such a strong impact anymore. i just hope we can make the impossible possible oneday. and really, i have a lot of faith in making it happen. if not would i dare tell everybody about my plans and fail in time to come. but looking at the good side of things, how loving we have been, lets make the angels in heaven jealous of us.
i love you.