Thinking.

I am extremely jealous that my friends have such awesome girlfriends! Honestly, everyone's creating some kinda secret farewells and birthday celebrations for their boyfriends. How sweet.. And all their girlfriends are asking me for help to organize on our side. I'm more than willing to help really, but it just gets me thinking. You never really appreciate it till its gone, so i hope guys you would appreciate everything your girls are doing for you. I am happy for you all!

Some people just don't have it, like me. Am complaining, but not when i have such friends with me. Just some thoughts before crashing my last night here.

Night sweetheart.

Triplet.

Buddy's fast asleep on his bed, lights are off, many others are fast asleep the corridor is quiet, only the moonlight providing company. I enjoy taking this time with my space when i can't sleep. So quickly tomorrow's Friday, somehow i don't mind staying here because time always seem to pass quickly, people do stupid things and i laugh and there are people who seem to care.

Life ain't as good as it would be with you around. That's a fact and i've learnt to recognise it, suck it up and live with it. Its the reason why we talked, the reason why i hate not talking to you and the reason why i am feeling this way. I cannot believe how my instincts guide me to hitting the loops around, its like i can anticipate results. You are guarded and so am i, that's why we never worked. You're afraid of being hurt, so am i. You're afraid of being lonely and so am i. You want to spend time with me but you never show, just like me. And we just let these things collide and we ride by it. Truth is, i don't really like talking about you. I'm never that important any more, if i am, i'll remember how you knew when i got angry and you would come around my back and give me a hug that fills me up with warmth and melt every ounce of tension away. The last time that happened, was in my previous lifetime.

I can't imagine someone else fitted better than i am. Who else would appreciate your smell, touch and taste better than i do?

Centrifugal is distorting everything within me. And everything i am working on now is to fight it. There are unexplained effects on the body that no one wish to tell. I am lazy to find out besides i cannot do anything even with information on hand.

I just like to observe because people's behaviour taught me a lot through the years. And i know what have been said and done, i am deeper than that. You got to dig deep before you say you don't know anything because you just made me see you clearer. You need to remember how you carefully placed that knife into my back because the wound has healed and the scar remains.

Words mean a lot to me. Hypocrites are last in my life. Wrong, they are not even in my life.

Time is running out, already missing you.

Death.

I am pathetic. On a Sunday where i am feeling everything i don't want and need. Caught up with a bad flu and sore throat i can't seem to do anything with my eyes this puffy, my head this dizzy, my throat this uncomfortable and my nose acting up like some kinda fountain. Had to run an errand this morning, felt like i went for a marathon just glad to be back alive. Home now, just want to lie down with the a/c on and rest. Finally, rest.. For tomorrow's centrifuge and i will die if i enter the freaking chamber in this state of mine.

And i swear i am never taking the meds.

Feeling like i need to get away as soon as possible, for nothing's right. Not looking forward to getting back within the fence tonight.

Need some loving.

Unable.

Everything running in my head, i cannot seem to be able to word things out. A kind of pain that made me forgot to smile, to be happy, to feel free and without restrains. I cannot stand to see it all, that how slowly and yet drastically things have changed. The need for me to hold your hand while you walk, to keep away from the food you love, the need for you to slow down in everything that you do, the need for you to feel awful after a meal and stopping by to try to puke because you feel unwell every now and then, the fact that you have no medicine and food to keep yourself going, and my disability to be a responsible and filial son. It sickens me, i feel like puking, feels like i hit concrete on my head, ive lost my emotions.

People that matter the most don't see it, only those that are on the peripheral. You can leave me, because i have never made you happy. I thought that feelings and matters were stronger than it seems, but its nothing but a surface of flakes. A wisp of wind is enough to tumble any arrangement set. Ready for anything my ass, no one's ever ready. Ready is only something i came up in my mind, with an imaginary you. Reality is another, nothing really works out. Time don't permit, fate don't permit and most importantly, you don't permit. At this point of time, my heart is cold and already shattered. What difference would you make?

The heart is really spoilt. If the meds don't clear on wed i really don't know what to do. Disappointed? Then again, how much more disappointed can i be? Is everything a test of feelings? Like how much you can dig out of me, you know what, bring it on just bring it on. I hope everything goes downhill and you dig me up empty so i'll have it worst and never to feel like this again. Let this be incomparable ever again. For once, i want to stay within the fence and not leave, i want to be away without anyone knowing where i am.

Yes you, what difference do you make? You, you, you, you, you, you and you? Do you think i really care about what the fuck you think? I don't even know what i am doing everyday. So don't come here if you hate me because it fucks you up. Don't come here because i don't need shit, i don't need your shit ass sympathy. If you think i'm weak, think again. I'm much stronger than anyone, anyone including you. Because i am named this way.

Time to fuck off to my bed.

Battle.

This week's a long week. Supposedly centrifuge today, currency flying tomorrow, brief and exam on Thursday. Was set up in the centrifuge and pulled out because of the exaggerated BP. Spent the whole afternoon trying to get to the right people to get things sorted out but left extremely disappointed with the way things went. Was pumped with the right attitude and energy level to get through this week but now i'm not only off my track, morale seem to hit a new low. And still, i have to keep my head straight for the rest of the week. What a Monday. It really sets me thinking whether its worth the fight. If i am giving my best, why ain't you?

People and things come and go. People fight for their own lives, they hardly cared about others. Its only their life that matters and they do anything to get what they want. They hardly spare a thought for others. When i genuinely take someone as a friend, i never hide and fake sincerity. But it becomes extremely sad when people take it for granted or fake their reciprocal. Because i have eyes and i can see, clearly than others for i am more sensitive than anyone can be. Don't say things that mean forever, or things that would last. It stays with me for i take your word. And when things are not happening, its not a good feeling within and i don't trust what you say anymore.

Recently have been feeling a lot of that. But people are like this, they change. Just like me and the wind.

Guess, i wouldn't have any mood to do anything happy. Do i really want this?

Stoned.

This week was really quite gruelling. First time the paper's been pushed to Tuesday and i remembered how terrible Sunday was i couldn't get any studying in before the book-in. Wednesday was Stealth presentation and Thursday was Fair brief. Not forgetting the redundant reflections we have to make and get on with lectures for the next exam. It's really been quite a blink of an eye and there we go, is it already week 6? or week 7?

Quite smooth sailing with how things went, presentations went without being stirred and fired at. And news got around today that i didn't fail the exam. So now already, 6 down and actually quite a few more huge ones to go. HAP haven't started, my TMAX blood pressure not cleared and still have some currency flying. Looking back, would have taken this without starting so yeah guess i'm back on track.

I feel like i have a million other things i need to do, to accomplish. I hardly ever run out of things to do, is it good or is it bad? Sometimes i really think hard about making the right choice. How do i make a choice between something without limits against stability? What would you chose? Who would you listen? Would you listen to a stranger a few years back? If you could, how did you?

Sprained ankle and fucked the ippt. Would getting wasted this weekend kill my stamina next week?

Plans ain't concrete at all.

Boe.

Today someone asked me, who is the one i really want to be with?

A name instantly came up my mind, but godammed it i'm not doing anything at all.

Just where the fuck did all my courage go, can't seem to fucking find it anywhere.

Jules, you're a puss and you're the root of all these agony.