Exceed.

Setbacks, obstacles, failure, troubles and worries will make you stronger if you overcome them. it should make you better prepared for the next similar situation. it should increase your immunity, you should be stronger. if not there is no satisfaction, no reason and no objective to fight them away.

And i should always remember this.

I thought all these should come naturally, progressively and gradually as one grows up. we should be given enough time and separation from each issue, so that you can deal with them properly. and is this the reason why people go in depression, or go suicidal? when everything come crashing down on them and they simply cannot deal with it.

Will you give up and falter upon this and chose to avoid everything. what is going to happen if i didn't believe in myself, what if i didn't put faith in my abilities and what if i didn't have enough strength and determination all along. would i be able to walk so far?

Sometimes i ask god why am i so special. to be able to experience and face so many different things and issues people my age can hardly imagine of. is it all fate or is it coincidence that what you have to face in life is all planned out truly by god? is there really an order to everything that's happening? that each have to happen after one another, or sometimes meant to simultaneously happen. but who deserve to have everything planned out nicely and who deserve to have everything crashing down on them.

Is it all luck?

Or it is for the strong.

I know i have to be strong, because i will fail, i will fall badly the moment i chose to give up. i cannot doubt what i believe in, i have to keep telling myself that everything's going to be okay. but this is so hard, so hard, i can hardly breathe. am i really going to be stronger after this episode, because to face all these again, i can hardly imagine.

Baby, i am crushed. i am so crushed by you. i beg you to stop all these. because you've already gotten what you want, and you've already won, you always win and i can never fight. please don't torture me, because i really cannot take this anymore. you are driving me up the wall, you are killing the balance within me. it was my fault i know, but please don't do all these. you can get anything you want, just stop doing all these.

I haven't been wrong this whole time. i haven't been getting the wrong feeling all these while. i was right, its true that everything's changing. i keep my head clear, i tried to remember how it felt, and kept fighting for the same feeling, but it's impossible. it was impossible since the day i started, because you never was the same. things would never ever be the same, because you don't go for the temporary, you make everything permanent. your place in my heart is made permanent with happiness, but its all sick and sour now. i render myself useless.

I cannot control everything i want to. i need to learn to let go, i have to let go. despite the difficulty, i really have to do it. i cannot chose to detonate. things will come and go, and if i'm fated to get anything back, i would one day. fuck those fate non-believers, because you cannot fight fate. there is only one end to fight fate, is that you will struggle and lose yourself. i chose to prepare myself for whatever fate brings me.

Babe, i am crushed by you. you won, please stop.