Superman.

Thinking.

2011-07-19T23:15:00.003+08:00

I am extremely jealous that my friends have such awesome girlfriends! Honestly, everyone's creating some kinda secret farewells and birthday celebrations for their boyfriends. How sweet.. And all their girlfriends are asking me for help to organize on our side. I'm more than willing to help really, but it just gets me thinking. You never really appreciate it till its gone, so i hope guys you would appreciate everything your girls are doing for you. I am happy for you all!

Some people just don't have it, like me. Am complaining, but not when i have such friends with me. Just some thoughts before crashing my last night here.

Night sweetheart.

Triplet.

2011-07-14T23:34:00.004+08:00

Buddy's fast asleep on his bed, lights are off, many others are fast asleep the corridor is quiet, only the moonlight providing company. I enjoy taking this time with my space when i can't sleep. So quickly tomorrow's Friday, somehow i don't mind staying here because time always seem to pass quickly, people do stupid things and i laugh and there are people who seem to care.

Life ain't as good as it would be with you around. That's a fact and i've learnt to recognise it, suck it up and live with it. Its the reason why we talked, the reason why i hate not talking to you and the reason why i am feeling this way. I cannot believe how my instincts guide me to hitting the loops around, its like i can anticipate results. You are guarded and so am i, that's why we never worked. You're afraid of being hurt, so am i. You're afraid of being lonely and so am i. You want to spend time with me but you never show, just like me. And we just let these things collide and we ride by it. Truth is, i don't really like talking about you. I'm never that important any more, if i am, i'll remember how you knew when i got angry and you would come around my back and give me a hug that fills me up with warmth and melt every ounce of tension away. The last time that happened, was in my previous lifetime.

I can't imagine someone else fitted better than i am. Who else would appreciate your smell, touch and taste better than i do?

Centrifugal is distorting everything within me. And everything i am working on now is to fight it. There are unexplained effects on the body that no one wish to tell. I am lazy to find out besides i cannot do anything even with information on hand.

I just like to observe because people's behaviour taught me a lot through the years. And i know what have been said and done, i am deeper than that. You got to dig deep before you say you don't know anything because you just made me see you clearer. You need to remember how you carefully placed that knife into my back because the wound has healed and the scar remains.

Words mean a lot to me. Hypocrites are last in my life. Wrong, they are not even in my life.

Time is running out, already missing you.

Death.

2011-07-10T12:41:00.002+08:00

I am pathetic. On a Sunday where i am feeling everything i don't want and need. Caught up with a bad flu and sore throat i can't seem to do anything with my eyes this puffy, my head this dizzy, my throat this uncomfortable and my nose acting up like some kinda fountain. Had to run an errand this morning, felt like i went for a marathon just glad to be back alive. Home now, just want to lie down with the a/c on and rest. Finally, rest.. For tomorrow's centrifuge and i will die if i enter the freaking chamber in this state of mine.

And i swear i am never taking the meds.

Feeling like i need to get away as soon as possible, for nothing's right. Not looking forward to getting back within the fence tonight.

Need some loving.

Unable.

2011-07-03T23:48:00.003+08:00

Everything running in my head, i cannot seem to be able to word things out. A kind of pain that made me forgot to smile, to be happy, to feel free and without restrains. I cannot stand to see it all, that how slowly and yet drastically things have changed. The need for me to hold your hand while you walk, to keep away from the food you love, the need for you to slow down in everything that you do, the need for you to feel awful after a meal and stopping by to try to puke because you feel unwell every now and then, the fact that you have no medicine and food to keep yourself going, and my disability to be a responsible and filial son. It sickens me, i feel like puking, feels like i hit concrete on my head, ive lost my emotions.

People that matter the most don't see it, only those that are on the peripheral. You can leave me, because i have never made you happy. I thought that feelings and matters were stronger than it seems, but its nothing but a surface of flakes. A wisp of wind is enough to tumble any arrangement set. Ready for anything my ass, no one's ever ready. Ready is only something i came up in my mind, with an imaginary you. Reality is another, nothing really works out. Time don't permit, fate don't permit and most importantly, you don't permit. At this point of time, my heart is cold and already shattered. What difference would you make?

The heart is really spoilt. If the meds don't clear on wed i really don't know what to do. Disappointed? Then again, how much more disappointed can i be? Is everything a test of feelings? Like how much you can dig out of me, you know what, bring it on just bring it on. I hope everything goes downhill and you dig me up empty so i'll have it worst and never to feel like this again. Let this be incomparable ever again. For once, i want to stay within the fence and not leave, i want to be away without anyone knowing where i am.

Yes you, what difference do you make? You, you, you, you, you, you and you? Do you think i really care about what the fuck you think? I don't even know what i am doing everyday. So don't come here if you hate me because it fucks you up. Don't come here because i don't need shit, i don't need your shit ass sympathy. If you think i'm weak, think again. I'm much stronger than anyone, anyone including you. Because i am named this way.

Time to fuck off to my bed.

Battle.

2011-06-27T16:10:00.003+08:00

This week's a long week. Supposedly centrifuge today, currency flying tomorrow, brief and exam on Thursday. Was set up in the centrifuge and pulled out because of the exaggerated BP. Spent the whole afternoon trying to get to the right people to get things sorted out but left extremely disappointed with the way things went. Was pumped with the right attitude and energy level to get through this week but now i'm not only off my track, morale seem to hit a new low. And still, i have to keep my head straight for the rest of the week. What a Monday. It really sets me thinking whether its worth the fight. If i am giving my best, why ain't you?

People and things come and go. People fight for their own lives, they hardly cared about others. Its only their life that matters and they do anything to get what they want. They hardly spare a thought for others. When i genuinely take someone as a friend, i never hide and fake sincerity. But it becomes extremely sad when people take it for granted or fake their reciprocal. Because i have eyes and i can see, clearly than others for i am more sensitive than anyone can be. Don't say things that mean forever, or things that would last. It stays with me for i take your word. And when things are not happening, its not a good feeling within and i don't trust what you say anymore.

Recently have been feeling a lot of that. But people are like this, they change. Just like me and the wind.

Guess, i wouldn't have any mood to do anything happy. Do i really want this?

Stoned.

2011-06-09T21:13:00.002+08:00

This week was really quite gruelling. First time the paper's been pushed to Tuesday and i remembered how terrible Sunday was i couldn't get any studying in before the book-in. Wednesday was Stealth presentation and Thursday was Fair brief. Not forgetting the redundant reflections we have to make and get on with lectures for the next exam. It's really been quite a blink of an eye and there we go, is it already week 6? or week 7?

Quite smooth sailing with how things went, presentations went without being stirred and fired at. And news got around today that i didn't fail the exam. So now already, 6 down and actually quite a few more huge ones to go. HAP haven't started, my TMAX blood pressure not cleared and still have some currency flying. Looking back, would have taken this without starting so yeah guess i'm back on track.

I feel like i have a million other things i need to do, to accomplish. I hardly ever run out of things to do, is it good or is it bad? Sometimes i really think hard about making the right choice. How do i make a choice between something without limits against stability? What would you chose? Who would you listen? Would you listen to a stranger a few years back? If you could, how did you?

Sprained ankle and fucked the ippt. Would getting wasted this weekend kill my stamina next week?

Plans ain't concrete at all.

Boe.

2011-05-31T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today someone asked me, who is the one i really want to be with?

A name instantly came up my mind, but godammed it i'm not doing anything at all.

Just where the fuck did all my courage go, can't seem to fucking find it anywhere.

Jules, you're a puss and you're the root of all these agony.

Still.

2011-05-30T23:11:00.004+08:00

It's not helping, it's not working.

Just how much pain do i have to re-create?

Maybe what i always was most afraid of already happened, but i don't know a thing.

How much faith can you live on, survive on and stand on?

Because i'm living on, standing on and surviving on this little faith.

That we would end up with our poles not repelled but attracted to each other.

Secrecy.

2011-05-29T05:52:00.003+08:00

Still can't sleep.

And oh... I forgot,

That you just don't love me no more.

Axial.

2011-05-26T22:33:00.006+08:00

And so after say what the past 7 years, things finally took a change, took a turn. And i wouldn't say that i like, enjoy and appreciate it. True that change is the only constant, and regardless of how much that was said and done things would definitely be different even if you didn't notice.

I found out about something i didn't know all these while. And i was gutted to find out that like how i have always been living on a prayer, someone else have been too. Sometimes i ask myself questions that never have been answered, but now i know why i could never answer. If i was living in such agony inside, someone else have always been feeling this way. But it didn't matter to me.. And that's why i didn't mattered.

I cannot repeat myself about how i have always been feeling. I feel lousy because i don't dare to look at things that have passed for a long time, i'm afraid that i'll feel worst. What does it mean if i'm not able to face up to it? But funny how i dared to read from some 4 years ago. Each time i'm here, there's an emotion that is named after you that i'm feeling. I cannot think of any other expression, because its true what i said. And every time i promised myself to something, i could never do it. There is hardly anything that i cannot do if i want to, but this requires the greatest discipline because its a cause that i cannot see whether i'm right or wrong. And this is truly being a believer. Who else can be like me.

You never failed to cease, regardless. Especially so in tough times. While i was doing my paper today, i almost broke down. Because of the countless continuous thoughts streaming through my head the past few days, i almost crashed and gave up. I had to squeeze hard and dig deep for whatever's left in me to push it away. But even still, you were unconsciously dominating my mind. I breathe a sigh of relief when i dropped my pen and rushed out of the room. The sun shining onto my skin i took a deep breathe and i know i'm still alive.

I thought i smelled you, the touch of your hair on my face and the unfamiliar laughter buzzing in my year. The giggling that drives me crazy. I feel like a dam over-flooding and doing everything i can to prevent a catastrophe. I wake up and run with the wind because i feel gutted. I create pain so that i can ease another but always failing. I tried to keep myself busy but still you find a way through.

For all these mess i'm in, at least i know what i'll do if tomorrow's the last day of this world.

If i could get over, i would have. If i haven't, then how long would i take? Or am i even not meant to. This is unfair, totally unfair. This is why i hate being myself, because i always lose. But because of all my stupid ideology, i could have lost everything that i used to have. In fact, i don't get shit. All i get is to lie in a mess and mirror myself and laugh at how silly i am. I promised to never go over the edge, but i did so again. And i felt pathetic and useless. But i will do it again and again and again. Because that's what i am, but get it because this is only for you.

Swing.

2011-05-10T23:58:00.002+08:00

Nothing much have changed,

except for the lights.

The angle of look is still the same, and i don't feel any different at all.

Just missing those moments.

Reds.

2011-05-08T22:26:00.004+08:00

There is this feeling within that i cannot really express. I guess it has been around for quite some many years and i really don't know how to go about talking about it to myself until recently. Its unhealthy all these while but i never seemed to care, always choosing to avoid is what i'm good at. But even then when i can see the root of it all, i can't take the first step. It is a struggle i always face with myself.

The world spins, and she waits for no one. Time continually past, and you are always running along. The time where i would go and she would go doesn't matter, because regardless we cannot be together forever. I chance upon my friend's site talking about Cocoa (her dog) who passed away. Her brother, my childhood friend is now living in Perth. I cannot imagine the grieve and sadness he must have felt. Because ever since i knew him more than a decade ago, Cocoa has always been part of him. And i start to think and reflect about a situation, putting myself in perspective. Its hard.

How many times in life must one regret? Despite knowing that you will regret one day, do you still go around and make corrections and amendments? If you do, how long can you sustain? Can you live the rest of your live doing something because you don't want to regret eventually but deprive yourself of everything else you haven't tried. But we are all humans and in this lifetime, we are bound to regret. How many times have you made your Mum mad? How many times have you lost something you knew you wouldn't have lost it if you paid more attention to it? How many times have you disappointed someone that means a lot to you? If you think harder and farther, you'll realize you could have prevented all these from happening. You could have made your Mum happy instead or feeling upset. You could, and you could have chosen to spend more time with people you love more time before they leave you, eventually.

I've been cold like a block of ice. 20 years ago before i was born, someone was waiting for me on the surface of this very world. This person is around to take care and protect me from anything that could mean harm to me. She was like a guardian, someone whom i would see more in this lifetime so far in comparison to the amount of times i've seen my Dad plus my Mum. And that just months ago, we had to appeal to let her stay for another 2 more years because there is always a limit. Yes i put a silent relief in my chest that i never noticed. What happens 2 years later? I reckon, i would have to face it even before then. What happens when reality really hits me, i really cannot imagine. That is the reason why i never dared to question myself and choosing to avoid every single time. Simply because i know i cannot face this truth, because i don't know what i can do to remedy or to create an alternative.

Another is a pet who behaves more like my closest friend and companion. I refused to treat her like an animal because she doesn't behave like one, she's humanlike to me. One that because of my willfulness when i was younger to be able to have her now. I will never forget the day that i went to the farm and out of many, i chose her because of that clear and perfect symmetrical color shades on her face. The look into her hazel eyes that gave me a feeling that she must be soft inside. The droopy ears that matches her face always is a killer to me putting down everything on hand to spend some time with her. All these years, she's aged tremendously but people don't noticed because she looks young and small in nature. But i don't because i watch her everyday and i observe her behavior. I touch her and i know that her muscles are soft now, i put my hand on her belly and i know each breath she takes requires more effort than a decade ago. She watches me with those eyes like she knows how i feel. She bids me goodbye every time i leave home and greets me each time i'm home. She never barks because she knows it is a nuisance. She hides when she does something wrong because she is afraid. She tries to remedy when she faults accidentally. These are feelings of a human and not a beast.

One day and very soon we have to say goodbye to each other which till now i cannot figure how to. To a place where i cannot feel her everyday, and i will yearn to carry her and let her rest on me. Hoping each day that i won't receive news that she couldn't wait for me. I'm afraid, very afraid to know one day that i would lose either of these 2 most precious people in my life. Because i cannot cope. I refuse to act like i might lose them soon, its my nature. I don't like to face reality and especially when the truth hurts. Because i cannot cope.

To each time i drink and feel terribly happy, i don't feel happy at all if you know. I thought i could drown images of you away but no. It gets into me more and i feel helpless. I feel worst because all i do is to sit down and close my eyes and you get all my attention. In comparison to when i'm alive and sober i could go down to basics and chase the wind or doing anything else that could divert my attention. So maybe, just maybe i would cut acting pathetic with myself and regret feeling more pain than ever when i thought i'll feel less.

Together.

2011-05-02T00:22:00.001+08:00

I hate breakup songs.

No happy ending.

Medicine.

2011-04-22T00:10:00.002+08:00

What do i do on nights like this when all i think about is you?

To tell myself to not think about you is never helping, and subconsciously doing things that reminds me of you is nothing but full of pain. What do i do when i'm this tired and yet i can never run of images of you in my head. What do i do when its an invisible you having a conversation with me. And what if i lied..

Will you be proud of me? If everything i did was for you after all, if everything i did had you in my mind all this time, if everything i did was to like my dislike just to show you what everything is all about, would it matter.

I can't wait for time to fly, because i don't need to be in a mess. I deserve as much as you, because you let me down.

Walk.

2011-04-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

I need to change my jogging route. After all these years, soon.

Gloss.

2011-04-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

I seriously don't understand why so many cabs are on Lion King's advertisement. It makes driving a little tougher for me, makes me go over the edge.

Packing up my room is my hobby, its a chore for you. Being able to read those notes is not exactly the easiest, but you can't do. Throwing away stuff i never had the heart to, but easy for you. Tracing my hand over those words.. i have to do it soon.

I'm still finding the heart to do so. Because its so funny and unexplainable why my memory is so selective. It overrides like a wave over the unwanted bringing me into places where i've always wanted to be. But the tide comes down and eventually pulling me back in to realize how much mess i'm in. I'm like gulfman.

What is your motivation. Until today, i still feel the guilt of making a mistake. Is it just me or did you succeed?

I want to know where i'll be if i ride on negativity. I can't even imagine. Because i won't be who i used to be, now you get me?

So much for cheers to not being treated like thrash, cheers to yeah you got your revenge but you forgot its to an innocent party, but a highly deserving one.

Universal.

2011-04-09T00:15:00.004+08:00

Time in Brunei was bad. Especially when its not your first time going there, you know how shitty everything's gonna be. With an allergy not yet fully recovered, you start taking some weird ass anti-malaria pill which i never am convinced about. Other than making me feel nauseous all the time with a bad headache, i really don't see the use of it. Time moves really slowly when you know what to expect. I wished it was all a surprise for me again so even if things are that shitty, i'm still on suspense. Bad ass i know everything coming my way except for having to kill and eat some wildlife i really don't want to mention because i still am very sorry about. I had a little of a mental struggle but the whole course did achieve instilling jungle confidence in me. Looking back, it was really quite amazing it felt unreal about everything i did to stay alive.

The jungle makes me go crazy because everything starts from ground zero. Men go through centuries of evolution and there you go, we're trying to mimic what the natives do a few million years ago. I am totally kept out of my comfort zone and though i really hate it, i really like how my whole brain starts reprocessing a lot of things. I start regretting a lot of things and decisions i've made in life. I will tend to realize that there are a lot of simple things in life that i have been taking granted of all the time. I start looking at the simplicity of life again, and how much i really enjoy it. In other words, i look at things i cannot see everyday. Who likes to regret? Ironically, i feel good about all these. It tells me that i have so much more i need to do in life to improve. Regardless of relationships, my well-being and lifestyle and what i want to do in life in the future, everything came through the mind. Its immense to talk about everything. And i don't know why i had to think about you for every second i was in there. Often it acted like some form of encouragement to go on, to press on, to not give up. But at times, it was like a razor-sharp sword that kept piercing through my soul like its aim is to make me so empty i become numb. You occupy the heart and mind, and i don't know what this whole purpose is. I eventually came up with many reasons why this is all happening, but the bubbles burst the moment reality hits.

I think of you the most, when life gets toughest. True story.

What happens if the world really ends in 2012? I don't know why but i believe there's a chance it will end. What the fuck is happening to Japan? Its like nature murder and i get depressed reading up the news about it. Its my dream to be there and before i visited, this has to happen? I wanted to save up enough to get there by myself, but guess i was too slow. Just hope they pull through, and what doesn't kill makes them stronger.

The sun is burning so badly in Singapore, its like code black everyday. The nuclear explosion and the aftershocks is nuts. Libya is crazy, i haven't heard of airpower in action in the longest time till then. Egypt is mad, killing Singapore indirectly. Thailand and Aussie is flooding whenever they want. The ice caps are melting and the supermoon could have flooded low-lying regions. Whatever that is yet to come, is definitely not going to be any friendlier.

Today i went to Universal Studios for the first time and i loved it because i felt like i was back to my childhood. The rides and shows were amazing, the whole experience is something our generation couldn't have experienced back then. Taking the battlestar 11times is quite crazy, but yeah i loved it and now i'm sick of it. Good, so i don't have to go back there anytime soon. Guess, i wouldn't have anytime anymore anyway.

Just got back from a run, feeling like i need to stare out the windows to look at the stars.

I threw the love of my life away. Now, karma just bites back on me.

Adjustment.

2011-03-13T01:01:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was spent at the medical centre. Initially thought i would just collect my medicine and book out but things took a turn. Had to be put on drip with 2 extra jabs which eventually got my knocked out. Needle-phobia but i was in so much discomfort i couldn't be bothered worrying about the pain and all. Needle went into the blood vessel like a worm crawling under my skin and blood spilled all over my forearm, for a moment i thought i would faint. I just had to stare at it and the doctor administered 2 jabs which he already informed me that i would be extremely drowsy. 1 down and i immediately saw the world spinning around, before the second one was totally administered, i almost puked and i just couldn't catch my breathe. The lump in my chest formed up and it kept rising through my throat. Feeling of being gagged and i can't do anything about it. Before i knew it, i went into a world where i became oblivious to everything around me.

The moment i woke up, i felt so terrible. I couldn't sleep because of how fucked up that 2 jabs were. It was so strong i could still feel it, felt like puking and yet i couldn't. I was so restless i jerked up from my bed every 10s for 2 hours, each time feeling like i want to either suffocate myself to death or do anything to get out of this misery. I couldn't help but got out of bed on my own with the drip stand, went to the toilet and tried to puke but to no avail, i went back to the bed and hope for some peace within me. To what seemed like a couple of days, i finally felt better when the effect of the jab was off and the doc finally agreed to let me off. I felt like a soldier, after all.

Today, i woke up and went to play ball. I had my favorite prawn mee, katong laksa, bread ice-cream, popeyes and popcorn. That's to make up for the shit i went through yesterday, but yeah i don't really care the weekdays are so fucked up, i need to feel normal again.

Off to read my papers because i've been so shut off from the world, and my thoughts with the people in Japan i really hope you guys tide through this and rebound strong. Its my dream place and even though its disaster-prone, i wouldn't mind being there.

Just popped 2 mini harmless looking pills, but god they taste awful. Feeling drowsy by the seconds, again.

Arsenal must win.

Inflict.

2011-03-01T21:33:00.003+08:00

I find it harder to come here nowadays. Days went by so fast, this quickly. Been in, hardly out and the weeks flew past me. The weeks running out, the days counting down to do the things i really want to do. Feeling afraid to lose the chance of doing things i want to do, or haven't done. To take this step forward is a dare, because i get so unsure. Ive made up my mind before, but when you're into it you get another perspective. Do i really get exposed or am i stuck in a well now?

I've been trying to be the best i can be. To learn from mistakes and not make the same ones. To help people, to help myself become stronger than how i used to be. I try to think of the big picture and not neglecting the small details. I tried to be my men's man. All in all, it was a good experience.

Is it really going to be just like that? Days are harder this way, but what can i do? Suck it up i know, because yes you've been treated like garbage again. Not new, but i want to know why. Because i keep seeking for answers within myself. Keeping myself busy and occupied is one, but whether you are in denial or not is another. My light never did shine again. Is it really that easy for you? There is no point anymore. Things that associate with you, i have to stop doing, thinking and looking. I will try, to stop bleeding.

I just feel sad, that things have to go this way. Things have to end this way because of reasons i will never know. Reasons i don't know how long and how easy you've been able to make it. But either way, a trooper has to move his legs.

Negative.

2011-02-10T21:50:00.002+08:00

Today is an outrageously bad day.

But you don't know a thing.

Negativity is on an all-time low.

Choked.

2011-02-09T07:33:00.003+08:00

Toughness of life in here is subjective. Life gets easier when you're happier, and similary tough when you're down. It doesn't really matter how tiring the day is, or how fucked up your superiors get at you, i don't know why i'm iced cold. Maybe because i'm RCC trained, your tolerance for all these tend to be higher. If you call this kinda schedule tough, then you aint no see nothing yet kids. We're on easy ground i swear.

Week 7 is something we all look forward to. I used to look forward to it, but now i kind of don't. The reality that time is running up and i have to do something frightens me. Because whatever initiative i take, its like putting a dagger through my heart and hopes. But so what.

I'm running out of means and ways to be myself. Because if it takes another to love, i'll be another. Because i'll do anything for you, i'll suck it up. I'll be upset, i'll feel sick and gutted if its the right thing to do. I'll not sleep and i'll ponder over things you not know about.

Time to pack up and go.

Riverside.

2011-01-23T22:46:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday Bros! Love you guys forever so sorry can't be out to celebrate with y'all!

The past 7days have been boring! I'm bored in camp, because of many reasons. But life haven't been that tough compared to the days i've endured in CDA. Coming here makes me feel old, its more of me helping others. Maybe because i'm a regular, people look up to me sometimes. Reality is, i'm still younger than everyone here! Time is short in clm, and i'll be sad to leave many friends behind. Though its only been a short 7 days for now.

Coming here makes me miss a lot of things. But looking back, its really heartwarming to know that many have made the effort to meet up with me. And it really is through these efforts people make, that will create memories in my head. Memories when at times like these, you really need to depend on. Without them, time passes slowly. Funny how everytime i fall asleep, i think of you. No matter where i go, no matter how i feel, all i need to do is to think of you and everything seem to be better, to be brighter. Thinking of you, keeps me alive somehow. And i do anything, to think of you.

Slacking in bunk is my favorite past time, turning the room into some kinda club with my buddy is just awesome shit. I think things will get better as time moves on.

Just watched i can't remember how many videos of taylor swift on youtube. And i just can't stop watching back to december, the feeling it gives me is just.. i don't know its just therapeutic. I'll do anything to date a girl like her!

Time to sleep now, before i get extra tomorrow. I hope you sleep well too, and hope you can finish your work! Goodnight!

Count.

2011-01-17T02:13:00.002+08:00

The last few days have just been awesome for me, before i book into shit ass camp again. And it touches my heart deeply when i know people make the effort to spend time with me before i get lost somewhere again. I never know how much is enough to thank these people, obviously they are people you want to keep for the rest of your life.

Substation with manda and mehddyy on wed was awesome, got to see grace and twinz at hall as well! Thursday was prawning with tangalicious and mac, bon boy joined for poker afterwards. Friday was gardens with ATEAM, another great night i just wished i was still in civil defence. Sat was awesome went for sushi tei with SJ which made my day and then kbox with tanggy mac and bon again. Butter at midnight was quite the shit with daryl and kai because of the absynth shot yeah rock my baby and belvedere. Today's special, pass prac 7, and something happened which was the most delightful thing. Totally make my week, month, maybe year!

Tell me how to wake up in 4hours to report to Safti? Time to put my cape on, Superman.

Light.

2011-01-05T23:23:00.003+08:00

Well, well. First post of 2011!

Yes i did pass the last theory before new year begin and it felt good. I'll just do as much as i can before time catches up and in camp i go.

I got wasted on the very first day of 2011, is that a good or bad start? I didn't know that i did such embarrassing things, and i feel dam bad for being down so early that night! I mean i promised everyone to party all night but i was gone. And i found out i got cheated, i had more submarines than i thought. My friends cheated me into drinking them! But never mind, its over and maybe its good to let everything out. I felt much better at the spot, i know. At least better than how i feel now.

Developed the love for prawning i don't know why. Maybe its the many hours i spend just standing there with a rod trying to focus on small details, small distractions and movements. Maybe its because i try hard and i wait and at the end, i do catch something. Maybe its because i really like being in a world of my own, subconsciously able to think about certain things. Maybe its because i really love challenges. Some of it i realize we are slowly losing it in life. We always look at the big picture, forgetting to slow down at times. And at times, we realize how much the small details meant but its too late, we regret.

But one thing for sure is i really love the BBQ prawns. Sitting down with bros, chilling with no worries. I don't know when's our next opportunity.

Today i had the tastiest pancakes! I had this wonderful pancakes at this place i really love now, and every mouth of feeding myself i just felt so blissful and happy. And its really so yummy, its like you jizz on your pants with every mouth you take. Its a place i really wish i could bring you along with, to share this happiness.

Tomorrow is FFI, i hope i pass the medical. AND I PRAY THAT THERE IS NO BLOOD TEST. I scared pain plus i think i'll fail cause my blood is like red wine, 17% alcohol content now. So if take, i probably die. So i better drink more water tonight.

Off to my hometown Bangkok on friday! God, i really need this trip. I just want to get away from this place for a moment, and stop thinking about everything for awhile. My brain is just so filled up with thoughts, i am going bonkers if i continue thinking and worrying about dumb things. Just let me go, let me go and enjoy for awhile. I feel happy just thinking about my tomyum, padthai and singha the moment the plane touches down. And the massage i'm going for everyday, shabu shabu and all the shopping! It just makes me crazy!

No new year resolutions, because you forget about them after a month. If you truly have resolutions, you don't have to tell people about it. It should be something close to your heart you want to achieve, it should be an aim that on one can comprehend or see. Its a goal only tangible to yourself. See what i mean?

Things come and go, and truly after every up you go down. What comes around, goes around and around and around and around.. 2012 is coming, the world would end?

What does it mean to you when my text get to you? How do you feel? Because every time yours get through to me, you light up a special light in me.

Wessex.

2010-12-28T23:49:00.003+08:00

The last year of the month seems to be rounding up well! Pretty much did what i wanted to, and achieved what i wanted to. Now with one last theory coming up, i should just finish it strong and start 2011 on a good note and carry on. Keep pushing, keep going with the momentum.

With Christmas ending well, i really want to thank every single one who came over to Sirat. It was such a blast, it really was. I couldn't hope for a better party and let me tell you that its almost impossible to create a replica. Going crazy with people that meant the most to you, and waking up cursing and swearing at each other for a night like that. Its a night of memories i will never forget in this lifetime. Heineken, Amstel Pulse, 2 Bombay Sapphire, Absolut Tropicana, Tequila Senze Gold, Barcardi Gold together with God knows how many Reds and Whites. Gosh, what a party.

I'm thinking of squeezing a trip to BKK and maybe a dive trip in Jan before ocs. Really hope i could make it before freedom vanish before me. Was really sad and depressed when i thought of going into ocs on monday, felt like imma lose my life. But with that delay, i don't even know if its a positive or negative. Argh, now i got to spend time wisely doing the things i really wana do first.

Took this week off to clear leave and i'm still left with 3days? Surprising, real surprising. And i'm due for FFI soon, i think i can't clear the medical with the amount of booze in my bloodstream.

It kills me to know that we might never meet again. And i'm tired.. Tired of trying to not think about you. I would give all of my remaining time to you. Only to be disappointed at the end of the day. Period.

Ocha.

2010-12-22T23:54:00.003+08:00

I can't believe December is coming to an end soon, and i really dread this year coming to an end. Maybe its a good thing for it to end, we shouldn't dwell too much with the past shouldn't we? Been getting too used with the slow paced life i've been engaged to, though once in awhile mugging hard for my licenses here and there. I'm too used to going for what i want, having the freedom to be able to chose even the small minor details in life. Soon hell yeah real soon, i would lose this freedom. Because of a higher purpose.

What? Did i really say that? HAHA.

Last weekend was awesome. So dam glad i went to take up diving, though at some point of time i really thought i was risking my life. But then again, we're facing countless risks everyday, its just a matter of managing them. And i really want to get over my phobia of water. Guess the only way to overcome your phobia is to engage it. Went to Pulau Hantu and was lucky that the vis for both days was pretty good, managed to discover another world and am starting to develop the love for marine life. Checking crabs out was really fun cause you had to hunt for them and i love angel fishes! Too bad couldn't find any nemos. But yeah, glad that i got my open waters license and more dive trips would follow i swear!

Mac and i included the trip to Great Barrier Reef to see the great white for our bucket list. Oh yeah, i think Mac and i took like 2 hours today to wash, vacuum, polish and shine the rims and tyre our 7series and Integra. Shag but no regrets, now our babies shine like a star on the road. All for the Christmas mood!

Hardly been to work these weeks, and am feeling a bit guilty. But i don't really care, i rather live life with more purpose!

I passed my boat theory on monday! Hooray! At least all my studying didn't go down the drain! And yeah time to book for practical test yeah yeah yeah feeling excited!

2 more tests to go to round up a good month. Golfing tomorrow morning, better turn in early.

I'm really glad to have some friends in life. At times i would think back and memories of them would just flood in. I can't imagine life without them, its really impossible i think i wouldn't have been able to go on. And to Almighty whoever you may be, i want to thank you for blessing me with such great and unbelievable friends and bros. Arigato gozaimasu!

StanChart.

2010-12-05T19:18:00.002+08:00

Oh, i spent the whole morning running my first marathon! I woke up at 3am and did whatever i need to prepare myself for the race. I did it in just over 6hours, though i wanted to go under the 6hour mark. But whatever, all that matters is i've finished the race.

Come to think of it, Tangs-Dhoby-Chinatown-Tanjong Pagar-Raffles-Mountbatten-Fort-ECP-Marina-ECP/AYE-Pit-Esplanade-Bridge-Padang.

Fucking its like touring S'pore on foot.

And i didn't hit any of my goals set for the race, but you'll still be proud of me right? Because i still am for myself! Crossing the finishing line was quite an emotional one, i was in so much pain.

If i had to do it again, would i? Guess, i'll need a mate to join me next time.

Hammer.

2010-11-23T21:35:00.003+08:00

Life's like a blur, spinning real fast. I see you at different steps of my life, but never have i felt this way before. So uncertain, so unsure, so much to wish and pray for and so much strength that i needed. But deep inside me, i know nothing's going to be easy. That its toughness you have to grind it through to make up for who you really are.

I just want to do the things i want to do. There's so much that i'm left to do with such a short time. I just want to make the best of whatever time's left to do what i need to do. But nevertheless, i know i'll surely leave out some stuff again. Because there isn't an answer to every question, there isn't a solution to every problem, and not every will give you a way out. Sometimes its just how you want to live.

December is going to be a crazy month. I want to enjoy every freaking day of it before i lose my life again. Even if i'm tired, i make sure i get better after my rest. I want to prepare for every thing that i planned for myself. Cause i'm going to end 2010 strong.

The past few weeks have been weird.

Training up for a freaking marathon and i don't exactly know how i should go about doing this. But mentally, i made up some kind of training plan. To run every alternate days and to insert gym and pilates every rest day. To engage in more cardio and to carbo load before the race. Of course i need water and sleep badly. Will do will do.

Thursday is exciting, so is Saturday and will be extremely glad on Tuesday i'm sure.

Watashiwa kyoowa tsukareta!

Juujihanni nerundesu!

Sayonara, oyasuminasai!

Hold.

2010-11-11T00:40:00.002+08:00

I felt nauseous since yesterday, and i felt like puking and i hate puking. i was so lethargic i slept for 16hours and when i woke up i couldn't do anything. i just didn't have the mood for anything. i went to the doctor's and he said i've got gastric flu and i said okay, he gave me 2days of mc i felt quite happy but not so happy. i was waiting out there to collect my medicine and i took the name card of the dentist's counter. it was for you but i just stared and smiled, does it matter? no it doesn't.

I went to my favorite eatery at simei today. though it never fails to remind me of you, i still had to go there cause i just missed the food too much. especially when you have such a bad appetite, you just want to eat the food you want.

2days of mc, means 2 days of home. i love staying home, but i hate having nothing to do. it makes me think of you, and i don't want to think of you.

I'll just watch as many dramas as i can, thanks manda lots for introducing pineapple express.

The girl in the classroom is quite cute.

Differences.

2010-11-08T23:52:00.001+08:00

The past few days haven't been easy for me. I've been thinking, how could two person with so much differences go such a long way back? I mean creating memories, giving love, care and support to each other. You used to be my other half, I remembered I couldn't do without you. It was that bad.

No one is perfect, everyone has their weaknessnes and strength and everyone have their own issues and shortcomings. And with time, I was shown that fantasy cannot outlive reality. You cannot lie about a fact. With love, you can embrace one's weakness. You can lie to yourself, but you will never be truly happy. It would be an issue unresolved in your heart.

We've been through this countless times; a million times. It should have been a piece of cake. I never worried as much before. But this time, it felt like a heartbreak. I've been more upset than I've expected. Upset not at you, but with myself. For being one with such weakness, for not having something to compliment you.

This time, you seemed to have hit on the raw nerve. Feels like you either made permanent damage, or the root of the problem is going to be solved. I thought oct was bad, nov is going to be good. Sadly, a week hardly pastby and its gone bad. Its like another one month of the many, its an statistic.

The toughness to go on without you is inexplicable, but I have to go on. Because you want to be happy, and I have to do it for you.

Revolve.

2010-10-21T21:01:00.003+08:00

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have, You're all I have

At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon..

Its tough to act all nonchalant, but its as though everything's going to rip apart. You don't know what i do, to feel you, to hold and smell you while i sleep. You don't know at all, so don't talk to me. Your words playing in my head like tape on replay, the disappointment and pain never fails to subside. I just want to, stay on the moon.

Time.

2010-10-20T14:34:00.002+08:00

My fist hurts...

But nothing like the pain in my heart.

Hershey's.

2010-10-03T20:31:00.002+08:00

You know i so much want to blog instantly, rather than continually narrate on past events. But every time i get home, i get so fucking shag i need a day of rest or maybe a week or so before blogging. Saying so much because i'm going to talk about yesterday!

Phuture with HW, Gary and Joseph almost killed the shit out of me. Too too too fucking shag, i didn't even had enough sleep before rocking the night. Lucky i found my way home from the fucked up cocky fiesta night. And truly, people are fucking funny when they are high, not funny when they are gone.

I think i slept at 4plus, and had to wake up at 12.30pm to meeet ATEAM! So fucking excited to meet everyone, though we met at Marina again.... and no no, not Marina Bay Josh.. They are so fucking sweet, they got me the course shirt. Despite getting a XS size for me, because they love to see my nipples so bad. Still love them no matter what! Watched The Other Guys was fucking funny, seriously no brainer and if you need some unrealistic shit to laugh about, go for it!

Then we ate at Secret Recipe, gosh Brunei memories! Cakes and more cakes... but only had 1 for the share this time. Everyone is saving money for their own investment and marriage HAHA!

And then i took off after dinner to meet HW, WX, Mac, Jason, Grace and PY. What's the SOP after Chompx2? Obviously it's Dessert Bowl..

Almost when to watch Dec Dee, but too shag so called it off.

Today i'm such a good boy. I just coup myself up in the room all day. Packed a little of the room up and napped for god knows how many hours and i just watched the awesome Ocean's Eleven. I just realized it was a 2001 movie, i was like 10 years old then?

Okay, the truth is i can't keep myself home all day, i'm going later to watch Arsenal <3>

Now to create a ATEAM blog fucking gay but i like. And to bathe soon..

I've been a pirate all night, ripped too many songs and shows around. And fuck i spent like an hour before i sleep watching Pixie on youtube, SHE'S FUCKING HAWT. I don't care how many times i have to repeat this!

And Bruno Mars is fugging goood, jizzz~

That's all.. for now. Adios!

Prix.

2010-09-27T22:58:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was F1, and it was fucking enjoyable! It was my first time seeing the cars, and the roar of the engine is just, i don't know man, just makes me jizzz. All and all, it was great but whether to go again next year, i might reconsider. Maybe it wouldn't be as fun when you go there on your second try. Was fucking upset that L.Ham crashed out, soo disappointing. Webber deserves some punishment for his aggression too, but in the end should just say a big fuck you to that Virgin. Argh. Went to find Mariah Carey after the race and her voice really solid but figure really turned me off. Dam fat now, but okay give her a break, she's old, time to enjoy all the food in the world. And thumbs up to F.Alonso for perfect driving and R.Kubica for good try. :)

Last night made me reconsider taking up racing as a career. Oh here we go again..

I had zero motivation to get my ass off my bed this morning. Its bad because if i don't get up, my maid rants non-stop (under my command) and i get so pissed i scream back twice at loud. What a irony. Things got worst when the whole freaking ECP jammed right from Bedok, i had to clutch in at the jam so many times i think my testicles just lost their balance. And i was late and being stuck in a jam somewhat doesn't sound convincing, oh fuck i still don't care you know.

So glad to have met ZH for lunch today. Picked him up at NUH and we went HollandV for xlb(Y) again, i jizzed on my pants. And.. bad news for medical board. Shit, always happens.

What happened after work is something happy. But i'm not going to say what happened, because i love to be mysterious. I didn't know how i did it, but somehow i managed to and suddenly its like a leap forward. A little encouragement goes a long way, funny how little things light up my day.

You always had to make me feel this way. Like everything i do, its comparable to someone else. But hell no, it never was. You make me feel like i always had an intention, a motive for doing something. And i can't stand it at times. Whatever it is, its your call anyway. I still do things because of you, I don't know why. And i know you don't care, you probably think i'm up to some motive or something again. So i'mma keep the closet close, the rest is for you to find out.

PIXIE LOTT IS FUCKING HOT. JIZZ.

come to think of it.. this post should be titled JIZZ.

And.. having a glass of farmhouse and a lexus biscuit for dinner is <3 finishing them up at godlike speed, i need to stop myself!!!

Lost and Found.

2010-09-24T01:12:00.003+08:00

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! BAMBI IS FOUND! :D

The story is this, last night around 11pm an indian Mr. Siva text me to say that he rescued Bambi while she almost got hit by a van on monday morning. I called him immediately when i received his text and rushed down to get Bambi. She didn't eat anything for 3 days :( poor girl.

Anyway, Bambi was very fortunate to be in Mr. Siva's safe hands who took care of her meticulously. And i myself is very lucky to have found Bambi back.

Bambi was so cute, Mr. Siva fell in love with her at first sight and he told me he couldn't bear to let her go. But oh well, my darling will always be my darling.

Thank you everyone who showed so much care and concern for Bambi and me. Clearly there are many Bambi adorers around! BIG THANKS!

Ouch.

2010-09-22T09:00:00.002+08:00

20/09/10 is the worst day of my life. Bambi ran away from home and was last seen along Yio Chu Kang/Highland Road. Bambi is a Cavaliar Kings Charles Spanner whose fur is mixed with Hazelnut Brown and White. She has a medical condition and needs the attention of her owner soon. Please help to bring her home or if seen please contact me at 97367997. $$$Reward$$$ would be given for bringing Bambi safely home.

I miss her extremely bad already and I'm so worried about where she would be right now. She must be really home-sicked already. Come home soon girl girl, I miss you. :(

Devil.

2010-09-20T02:39:00.001+08:00

Tonight, the moon is shining so brightly. I haven't seen it so bright in awhile, without much clouds covering it. The light emitted reflected off the roof tops, a sight not quite breathe taking.

Today, someone told me not to focus on what I don't have, but rather on what I have. I stopped and ponder on what my dear friend has told me, its so true. Really? Is that the way to live life in abundance? But sometimes its tough, because what you don't have, you want it badly. How hard would you fight for what you want?

I'm sad and disappointed. I can tell that day by day, you get worst. Feels like you're into some sort of crazy vicious cycle. But at the least of everything, I feel like there's life injected into you. What you want to do with your life, is your decision. I hope at the end of the day, you wouldn't regret.

I didn't chose like you, I did not give up when the going got tough. I hung in there to be the same old me. Even if there aint anything going on between us, I still wanted you to see me good and well. I didn't want you to worry about anything.

But whatever it is, whatever you chose to do, things seemed to go a whole lot better. I sense motivation and some joy about something I'm not exactly sure of. It seems like thing are starting to make sense for you. And I'm happy for you.

Though for so long I've tried and failed to be able to do this, I'm just glad someone that came into your life helped.

Now, I feel like its for the kill. Don't lose it, don't lose the momentum, its building up. And I'm so much on the edge. Go for the kill, take your train and smash into me and make me dead. I'm meant to die earlier, kill my heart. Because to hold on for some unknown reason to too tough for me.

That cup of tall javachip is really going to keep me up for awhile.

Is this a test? A test of faith? A test of the strength of you in me? I just can't erase that feeling I had of you at first sight. And I know its that you that made my heart flutter. Now, its too one-sided, we lost the romantic element.

My wild mind gave a thought last night, if I lose myself to be like you, could I win you back?

Its been long since I've seen you sane, surely you have found what you wanted and needed. Silently pleased for you.

And for me, to take a leap of faith to get my ass of that very edge of yours.

Snugg.

2010-09-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

Words alone can't describe how much I need you here with me. You're always my missing piece, face it. Shag.. Night. A kind of night I hate being alone without you.

30days.

2010-09-17T01:36:00.001+08:00

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Punched.

2010-09-17T00:46:00.002+08:00

So, tell me what happens after this?

So what if you get everything you want in life? so what if you achieve everything you wanted to? and so what if everything seemed so perfect? but there is just a glimpse of something you are too sure of how to deal with. something you always thought that you are making a mistake, something you will never be forgiven, something that every right go wrong, and you never go the distance.

With everything moving along, i just wished i could slow down at times, to just sit down and look into your eyes and share with you. you know you are the best companion for me, but you were never there. you know we'll have the time of our life, but you're never there. you chose not to be there, you chose to be somewhere else i don't want to be. a place where i really find it hard to comprehend why i would lose out to, a place where i will never admit defeat to.

If this can hold on for so long, tell me exactly how long more it'll take. i really wish i could let go, wash the wound with water, let it hurt once and for all. time passes and it never helps, i just find it harder and harder to understand anything. honestly i hate myself for being such a loser. if only i could brace up.

Once in awhile, it'll come to this moment where i'll sit down and think. but nothing gets done. i don't know what i'm fighting for, i just feel like i'm stuck somewhere. like in a story i cannot get out of, like in a nightmare i'll never wake up from.

Though i'm scared, i stick my head into it. i'll still do dumb things to find that nightmare. a nightmare unheard of.

The irony is, you haven't played a single part in my life, and yet, you could mean so much to me.

There's so much to tell you, but i guess, you'll never be as proud of me.

I can't make you smile like you used to.

Jobrux.

2010-09-09T14:36:00.002+08:00

Here I am, sitting on the 22nd storey of some tower. Plugged into my ipod playing off christmas carols, a festival I soooo missed. Slouching on a nice and soft comfy single seat sofa, over-looking the view of singapore from above, with my da vinci feeling muchly neglected.

I'm starting to feel tired and wanting to fall asleep.. But random thoughts kept me thinking of what could and could have been.

And it is indeed a point in your life where many things start changing dramatically, where many thoughts and relationships transit into something more complex and yet distant. Its a mixed feeling of happiness and upset when I think about many friends who left to do their study. Oka is leaving on sunday morning, and I will miss him dearly.

Sometimes, I feel that its a point of time when your life is taking a big 180. And can I say, I'm running out of my teenage years?

But surprising comes a thought, that love is redundant. I find myself foolish to try so hard at times, to be true and harsh to myself. Because you never find love, love walks to you. Babe, I'm born to be a player man! So I better be a darn good one!

Not soon before long, I won't have the days that I had. And I will surely do my best to achieve again. I will do best to keep you aside, for I'm not deserved to be missed by you.

Bites back, the toughest decision to make in life is always the hardest one.

I guess its a indication, an omen to move on and pursue personal legend. Really? Will the whole world conspire to help you win, this?

Victus.

2010-09-06T16:32:00.001+08:00

As usual, work is boring.. Haha, is it really work in the first place? Its funny that I report every morning, thinking long and hard, how do I waste time the right way. In a way that I won't be in my own guilt trap, and another way such that I won't grow horizontally. Its hard, and I find it challenging. Its hard not to be in a routine, all of my own, unique as ever.

I'm so glad for Tiger that he shot a solid 65 and make the cut. I realise that whatever he's done, he's still that childhood idol of mine. What he have done is indeed ugly, but is there anything else he can do to make things right. Its tough, but I'm glad he tried to have his wife back.

That labrador guide dog is so cute! I wish I could have a huge labrador who could live happily with bambi. Quite impossible for now, and I know bambi is selfish enough for me to keep all my love for her. She's so petty, but irreplaceable forever. :)

And yeah, sharapova kicked ass 6-0, 6-0!

Now you see what happens when you're too free?

Botin is taking forever to come back, I'm going to start twitting!

Work is ending in 45mins or so.. I shall indulge in my da vinci. Gym, shopping and going the distance with oka later!

Miss ATEAM already although we just met over the weekend for kayu and baby! EXPENDABLES is the fucking best!!! My favorite show of all time! I'm going to watch it every other day! Testosterone booster!!!

Ciao!

Array.

2010-09-02T00:05:00.002+08:00

I know its not me that you're talking about. it makes me feel sick to know the reason why things turned out this way, and think you're dam selfish about this. but i don't know why, i still feel for you.

Feels good after a 45min jog with gary the lobo.

Tomorrow is yet another day of wasting my time. Should i gym after work? or should i go home and rest early?

I miss home cooked food, and i miss talking to you again. even if it means i'm made used of.

Cut.

2010-09-01T01:11:00.002+08:00

Who likes to be in a routine?

You want to be out of it when you're in, dread facing the same thing everyday. you want your freedom back, and you want to have a choice to make.

But when you're out, you feel weird having to make choices. you dread feeling ill-disciplined, and you dislike being inefficient.

Either way, its hard.

Take time, don't rush baby. its time to grow out of your fantasies.

Bali.

2010-07-07T23:22:00.003+08:00

There are many promises we made along the way, and dreams and wishes we shared. i remembered the things we wished we could do together when the time was right, when we were independent enough, and when we were brave enough to just be with each other. sometimes i think i'm dumb, to be senseless, to always show how much i care, miss and love only when i don't see you at all. between us, its always like this for me.

Its all the simple things about you, that make you so ever special to me. its weird, i'm afraid its some kind of an obsession at times. but funny it is, i don't care because its to you. the simplest things about us, from the things you bought for me, made for me, to the shirt you liked and told me its your favorite, to the top you said i look best in, and the songs to forced me to listen because they always held meanings to us. i wear them when i miss you and listen to them when i think of you. even when i know nothings ever going to work again, i deceit myself willingly. for you, i don't mind being the silly.

Whenever i'm in new places, you're the person i wish could be with me. shoulder to shoulder, with you in my arms. even when you can't be around, i keep my memory fresh because i want to share everything with you one day. and i promise you that if we can break free one day, we will go to all the places you wanted to go. funny it is, but through it all, all i see is you.

Don't ask me questions, don't ask yourself, and don't bother about us. because we're just this way, and let's just face it. face it that i miss you so dam freaking bad but can never fucking be with you. don't try to do anything, i'm already used to feeling this way. and you're so fine with your life like this. i don't even want to think anything too much about you, because my limited brain can only take so much of you. and i'll keep those that i like, that i like just nice.

You want to know the first thing i did when i got to Bali today? i went to your favorite Macdonalds and ate the freaking chicken taste so good i know you would be jealous. but don't be, cause you're all i'm thinking of.

I'm tired, i'm going to sleep. i know you'll catch germany against spain tonight somewhere. can't see you, but i know we'll be sharing the moonlight.

This is just what i have to say, too tired to convince you.

Nothing But You.

2010-07-04T02:37:00.002+08:00

There is something about you that i cannot quite forget. it stays in me, somewhere. and regardless of how i try to forget, or how busy i try to be, you'll always surface somewhere. and i hate it, because it makes me feel like shit. of course there are happy memories, but after every smile you gave me, i would frown after. frown because there isn't anything to smile about now and frown because we've lost everything we used to share before.

These memories are the most precious of what you have gave and left me with. and i know nothing can take them away from me. each time i daze and think about you, its that same emptiness, the same guilt and regret that lingers in my heart. feelings that with time, have not diminished. its these emotions that proved to me the importance of you being around, and how much i wish time could rewind.

Its been a long time, and we've been through ups and downs. so much have happened and changed, and i hate to face it that its impossible again. i never believed in impossible, and the harder i try, the harder i fall. and the worst i feel. i know there is no right or wrong, but for you, i'll take the wrong because i feel pain when you are wrong.

Its so hard to look back, i hate to look back. i hate the fucking memories you left me with. i fucking fucking hate them. i wish i could just forget about you. the fucking memories made me go back to you, and these fucking memories made me want the old you. these fucking memories made me want to spend the rest of my life with you, only to know that since X years ago, it was already impossible.

I'm already tired, so let me have my sleep.

Turn It Up.

2010-05-18T20:43:00.003+08:00

It ain't easy for each day to pass. it ain't easy to endure these pains. to do something you never expect yourself to do. to take everything that comes your way.
If i knew then, that there would be this silence, then babe letting you go would be the last thing i would ever do.
But time will never rewind, and this ghost of you will always stay with me. its hard to not see you, hear you and feel you. so my only consolotion is that we see the same stars at night.
Night by night, the tries become a routine, and slowly i see you in the stars. and i smile looking, oblivious to anything else.
The fact that things will never be the same eats into me, but i am stubborn. and i lie to myself, this is propaganda.
I hate it when it gets too overwhelming, because it hurts to know that i still need you badly.
But all is okay, because your ghost keeps me alive, it makes me forget about pain, and lets keep it this way.

Babe, i miss you the most.

Drained.

2010-04-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

Good to see Botin! out hunting for her craving onetonnemee and finally got it at geylang when our beloved beachroad prawnmee was closed on tuesday. then went to 126 for my favourite dimsum which she claimed that she was too full but still had as much as me haha. then we head down to sbc to catch the guy's game. met up with many armyboiss and everyone who just went through bmt has like stagnant life. its not very happening in there, it only makes you talk about tekong non-stop.

Anyway, game over and rained non-stop. so we chilled at the court do shit, talk cock. then went to have macus' craving fish and chip western stall. forced macus to diary of wimpy kid and succeed. had not as delicious as yami and frolick yoguru and j-bridged. then back home. so soon, and you're going back again botx!

Finally had some break after friday's paper at airport, almost died studying for it the whole week. can't believe that after so much been's done, there's still a whole lot to go. sometimes i stop and reconsider and it hurts to think back. this stress eats into you.

Geylang that night with ben and kc. had awesome frogridge and beefhorfun. sat there and drank though i drove i don't know wtf i drank and had durian to investigate whether the myth about durian and beer mixed will get you vomitting. we didn't and went for selegie tauhuay. ordered and reject the delicious looking egggtart and felt bad. was super full and was tempted to for ktv. so we head down to grandlink for cheap thrill and enjoyed tremendously. though its sleeezy and smelling, we had our good fun and god i miss going to ktv. got home late and loved that night. totally unwind stress.

Then golf with oka on monday morning and the everysofaraway kranji that took me 30mins of drive, thats really very far. and played a satisfied round despite my ultra lack of practice. fucking feel the hunger for competition again, fucking want to practice and kick some ass but time is running out... the itch is growing, yet i can't do anything about it. talk about interest and talent. and i'm sooo sad tiger didn't win, i just thought this title was for him.

Back to flying again tomorrow and burn whole day. suddenly i just want to enjoy my remaining days with this hair and freedom. i dont want my ic to be confiscated, not yet man.

Getting ready to move on man.

Tell me whether its a good thing for what we've been through. cause it keeps haunting me, and i want to keep it away but its always so tough. this feeling just builds on itself and it just keeps getting overwhelming. i wish i could stop it. its really too good a past, sometimes i neglect the present and live on that memory. wish i could backtrack sometime and reconsider. but hell, no such thing man.

Babe, is there really such a thing called the fate tune? because i totally believe you.

One Shot One Kill.

2010-04-01T23:15:00.002+08:00

I didn't make it again. and indeed, it is my last chance. and if i screw up, then all, i mean all of my efforts would have gone to a waste. though experience is invaluable, but that would mean that i cannot achieve my ultimate aim, and my plan failed. yes, i am pushing myself to the line. sometimes i ask myself whether i am an idiot.

But i have no time, to even think about all this. i only have myself now, to make this all right again. and i want to make this right, right on track.

One last try, and if i fail, i'll be devastated.

Why are people always giving expectations. stupid expectations. and they always assume for people to behave and perform they want people to. then just because they want things their way, they compromise in what they believe or the way people naturally are. sometimes i just want to say a big fuck you. i don't see a need to convince you, if you have doubts in me.

And why is time running shorter. i wish i had more time to spend with you. day by day, i am suffocated just to get what i want. but its okay.

Bangkok was fun with hoe and mum. food was as awesome as always. and mmm.. sometimes are so freaky true my hair stands.

Guess, i'll vanish from the world again. still miss you as always.

Desperate.

2010-03-21T18:16:00.003+08:00

I am desperate to get what i want. and i want it so badly! so don't worry that my desire would die off, or my change of commitment, because i would jump at any opportunity to get myself there. sometimes i really don't understand why people always get what they don't want, and when you want something, it always seem harder or less direct. everything is so simple, but because of how complicated and sophisticated human beings are, such a process is taking so dam long. i don't need anyone to stick their necks out for me, because i own myself and i take my own responsibility. if i fail one day, i won't even factor you in.

Flying has been more and more enjoyable. although what i am learning is increasing, and expectations of the instructors are getting higher, i take pride into that and i enjoy the challenge. the day before i was doing circuits low level solo and it rained halfway and it was a new experience. today i was doing circuits short field take-off/landing solo and was runway changed to 21. another new experience. hopefully there would be more new experiences! time is running out and i still failed ratings, so friday is the re-take. praying hard that i can cross this hurdle......

I feel so blessed to have a group of friends who never fails to make me laugh all the time. i like it because there is no restrain and we do stupid things and we just laugh. and i don't even mind just sitting anywhere with them, because it is indeed only the company that matters.

Sometimes i feel like i have too much time, and at the same time too little? don't know what i'm saying, so i just hope there's someone out there who actually feels the same way as i do! its like if someone ask me if i'm free, i would say no, i'm not. but if someone says that i'm a busy boy then i would say no, i'm fucking free. this is just contradicting.

Dinner tomorrow with hoe, cy, mac and mum. 4 person, 3 vehicles, like wtf.

Fucking sleepy, going to cuddle in bed.... not until the late afternoon.

Still miss you, let me get over you...

Imprint.

2010-03-07T23:19:00.002+08:00

It sucks, sucks big time to hear things about you this way. it isn't the way i wished, hoped and thought would have. but there is nothing i can do. sometimes i thought it was my fault, that it was my doing. and i always have a guilt no one even you could understand.

It always hurts when i think about it that way, and there is no way i could remedy this. you've changed, you really did and things would never ever be the same. i kept telling myself, but i always fail to convince myself. but i will try, i will keep trying. because i know i have to live with this for the rest of my life.

I don't know what else i would find out, but i'm certain there would be more that i would know. its not like it isn't bad now, i just hate to see it getting from bad to worst. i've come to thought that there is nothing i can do, unless you wanted to walk out of this on your own. i always tried to help, i always tried to do something. and i feel bad when i fail. but i was dumb enough to hope to see any change.

Regardless of what you become, or turn out to be, i will always keep that same image for myself. i will always remind myself of who i've dote on and thought of spending the rest of my life with. i do not want to think about the rest, because i shudder when i think about it. i just want to keep that little memory of you, always in me.

Believe.

2010-03-04T22:40:00.003+08:00

To hell with those who said anything about being unfit and about anything about guidelines. fuck off with those who assumed condition and fucking take me for lightly. because when i want something, i will do the best i can to get it. so don't doubt my hunger and don't doubt my commitment, because you can't even imagine how much i would do.

A miracle happened. the door once shut tightly upon me, is once again open. the path is ahead, i will brave through it with my best. whether i can walk to the other end is not most significant, i just want to prove to myself a point that even if its with the most demands and expectations, i can still do it. and even if i fail one day, i make sure its only after i've given it my best effort.

It is only the start and the beginning, so i have to keep believing in order to keep my dreams alive.

Thank god for friends around me that care for me. i can't imagine what would have happened to me without them. it's not very nice to sit down and listen to me rant and pour out everything because its not easy to digest, comprehend and give any solutions. but it's not all these that is important to me, it is when i know my friends are willing to always be there that made me a whole lot more assured. i don't know what i did for them, but i certainly feel blessed to have friends like these.

Relieved to know that HPL and Airlaw is over and done with. now its the most feared of all, Ratings! but... i have no fear!!

I don't know whether its a good or a bad thing. sometimes i wished i could fall in love all over again, and be in a relationship. but then again, when i hear about bad relationships around me, i feel for my friends. it is indeed hard to comprehend anything that does not belong to you, but as friends we are always there for each other. i am a failure in this, so i don't know how to help at times. i guess you might not need any solutions and advice, i only hope you follow your heart because it is the right thing to do. you know i am talking to you, i just hope that i can give you courage to do what you think is right. i will always be there for you.

I had enough for feeling that way. take it as i have given up or what, but i just had enough. you had things the way you wanted, so live with it. i have nothing to say, because i understand nothing.

Can't wait to see huiwen and gary tomorrow, because its a lunch date again! tomorrow get back A's, totally STEAM AH.......

Siok you bastard keep taking ice blast after every meal, you fucking tempting me you cock.

I shall go sleep after a unfruitful day because of the fucked up weather that screwed my flight again. it was 36 degree celsius today! i will murder anyone i see burning plastic and doing anything harmful to the environment! talk about the destruction of my exhaust. oh wells, life's a bitch.

Goodnight! and i forgot to say... you're my best!

Doesn't Last Too Long.

2010-02-28T16:46:00.002+08:00

Airlaw and HPL exam on friday. keep fingers cross that i can pass them and proceed with the others! i am racing against time, i wish i could do something to buy time. if i can get through all this properly, i would be thankful, so thankful. i am trying my very best, i only hope for some help. i hope someone could lend me a hand, and pull me through. can't imagine if i make it on the other side, i would totally be ecstatic. but if i don't, i know i would totally be heartbroken.

When you put in all your effort into something, you hope you'll get it. when you build your life around it, and you plan life after that. but suddenly, every image you make up in your mind is ruin by someone insignificant. all because of responsibility and pride, you get obstacles totally not worth it. dreaming is good, because it gives you something to work for. and i like to let myself know that the impossibles are once in awhile, possible.

Sometimes i really don't know what to do. when you are in a mess and you need some help, who do you turn to? you cannot turn to anyone, because no one can help you except yourself. there's is no better advice and help other than following your own heart.

I miss you, terribly. and i'm sick of asking for you to be here by my side, it hardly ever happens. besides, you ain't really who i thought you were. i rather things be like this, at least let me remember the way you look and felt as i have last saw you in my dreams.

Its right, because if i wanted something, i would have gotten it back. not unless i didn't want it at all.

Tomorrow to face reality, i'm afraid i'll have that crushed feeling again. i'm afraid its everything stacked together for me, i'm afraid you wouldn't be there for me. but then again, what do you know about me?

So hot and cold, you don't know how you make me feel. it's so overwhelming, i cannot contain all these.

Exceed.

2010-02-18T12:34:00.002+08:00

Setbacks, obstacles, failure, troubles and worries will make you stronger if you overcome them. it should make you better prepared for the next similar situation. it should increase your immunity, you should be stronger. if not there is no satisfaction, no reason and no objective to fight them away.

And i should always remember this.

I thought all these should come naturally, progressively and gradually as one grows up. we should be given enough time and separation from each issue, so that you can deal with them properly. and is this the reason why people go in depression, or go suicidal? when everything come crashing down on them and they simply cannot deal with it.

Will you give up and falter upon this and chose to avoid everything. what is going to happen if i didn't believe in myself, what if i didn't put faith in my abilities and what if i didn't have enough strength and determination all along. would i be able to walk so far?

Sometimes i ask god why am i so special. to be able to experience and face so many different things and issues people my age can hardly imagine of. is it all fate or is it coincidence that what you have to face in life is all planned out truly by god? is there really an order to everything that's happening? that each have to happen after one another, or sometimes meant to simultaneously happen. but who deserve to have everything planned out nicely and who deserve to have everything crashing down on them.

Is it all luck?

Or it is for the strong.

I know i have to be strong, because i will fail, i will fall badly the moment i chose to give up. i cannot doubt what i believe in, i have to keep telling myself that everything's going to be okay. but this is so hard, so hard, i can hardly breathe. am i really going to be stronger after this episode, because to face all these again, i can hardly imagine.

Baby, i am crushed. i am so crushed by you. i beg you to stop all these. because you've already gotten what you want, and you've already won, you always win and i can never fight. please don't torture me, because i really cannot take this anymore. you are driving me up the wall, you are killing the balance within me. it was my fault i know, but please don't do all these. you can get anything you want, just stop doing all these.

I haven't been wrong this whole time. i haven't been getting the wrong feeling all these while. i was right, its true that everything's changing. i keep my head clear, i tried to remember how it felt, and kept fighting for the same feeling, but it's impossible. it was impossible since the day i started, because you never was the same. things would never ever be the same, because you don't go for the temporary, you make everything permanent. your place in my heart is made permanent with happiness, but its all sick and sour now. i render myself useless.

I cannot control everything i want to. i need to learn to let go, i have to let go. despite the difficulty, i really have to do it. i cannot chose to detonate. things will come and go, and if i'm fated to get anything back, i would one day. fuck those fate non-believers, because you cannot fight fate. there is only one end to fight fate, is that you will struggle and lose yourself. i chose to prepare myself for whatever fate brings me.

Babe, i am crushed by you. you won, please stop.

Dual.

2010-02-05T22:43:00.004+08:00

It feels extremely good that you fight for the things you want, and you get it eventually. you just have to do your part and people can see your sincerity. when things work out, you feel so blessed and when things go the other way, you feel so cursed. not stating the obvious, but i've just been through opposite ends of the world. and just a moment of thought.

My recent movie ratings (best to worst)----> 1) Avatar 2) Law Abiding Citizen (on par with) The Blind Side 4) Tooth Fairy 5) Did You Hear About The Morgan's 6) The Spy Next Door (knnccb show)

PPL finally on course! and its a sense of pride to be in, but similarly, i know what i have to put in to achieve what no one has ever achieved. records are meant to be broken, and now its time for them to broken. kickass!

Chinese New Year is coming, and all the buzz might just drive me nuts. i'm very lazy to celebrate and put up a huge smile and show how happy i am.

I just can't wait to see all my brothers and friends! and i feel for huiwen, he just messaged me after an awful first day at tekong and he super suay kena ninja. hope he come out as a fit ninja warrior yaw!!! you can do it buddy, stay alive!!!

We had each other at every crossroads. and at every one of them, we took each other along. regardless whether the path was for one or two, we always had each other. but this time, we head separate ways. you'll hate me, eventually.

Off to study, RT, AIRLAW, HPL, RATINGS, NAV, MET here we go!

And i can't wait to kick yc's ass tomorrow at vj friendly, and to fight for you, if given a booty chance.

Opposites.

2010-02-01T18:15:00.002+08:00

Not proud that i crashed my car.

Very proud that i achieved my first solo.

First solo is amazing, i still can't believe i did it. i guess the feeling of being alone up there would stay with me for quite awhile. the whole thing, i don't think anyone can understand how i feel, unless you have the opportunity i had.

And to make your mother, your instructor, your friends and yourself proud, is great satisfaction.

Its true, that satisfaction spurs me on. and challenge drives me. its sad, real sad when your chance is taken away when you finally chose to commit your life into it. they say, its not the end of the world, but i hate it every way when the most direct path cannot be of use. to hell with people who don't have enough faith.

Its funny how i see people. and when you talk like that you really show me what kinda person you are. you're hideous and you're the typical stir-shit person. and if you ever think that i'm so dumb to tell you anything, you can fuck off cause what i told you might just be shit for yourself.

Everyone is working for god's sake. why work so hard dudes. you are all going to army soon, please find some motivation to party! are you only going to regret not enjoying time when all your freedom is finally taken away from your bald head??

And its true. JC students are one hell of a mugger. during A's, everyone studies like a dog. when the A's are over, they find it weird to stay at home or to party everyday, so they find a job to tell themselves they are not wasting time away. but then again, why draw the line so clearly. life is short, and different opportunities come at different time. you will get your time to work your ass off, why chose to do it now when you can actually have fun. damn.

What if you live a life like mine? its like a show down everyday. and its always like you have to prove something to yourself. though i don't ever fucking regret what i've ever done this lifetime, i will do whatever i can to make things right. and even if i keep failing, i don't want to give up, and i know as long as i want it, i will never falter. and those that come and go, ain't not important to me.

Babe, because i cannot love you any less. and i can't love you any more.

Leap.

2010-01-18T16:49:00.006+08:00

Christmas past, then 2009 left and 2010 came. January babies are the kings this month, they just take it for granted that almost every fucking week we have to celebrate 2 birthdays. we should do it like this, all you jan babies will celebrate on one common day, the last day of Jan. and.. the last day of jan is the actual birthdays of the Djie twins. see, you get what i mean now.

In such a long period of time, yes and no i did gone missing! so much for wanting to go to all the places i wanted to, i cant now. in the end, i could only go to bangkok, macau and phuket. though us, vietnam and japan's down the drain, i have to find contentment in what i'm sacrificing my trips for. its for what i'm seriously regarding as a career.

Bangkok was fun as usual, i've been there too many times to feel any excitement to blog about experience.

Macau was good time spent with mum. i know i might never have a chance like this again, but whatever it is, at least we did it. its true that your mum always treat you the best, because i was like a king in macau. until now, i can't really believe it. first i was given a suite all my myself. and i've never ever ever been to such a big room ever in my life. the best thing is, i am staying in it all alone. there's the king-sized bed, then a freaking tv room, and a ultra huge, luxurious toilet there is a cubicle for the shower and toilet bowl together with 2 sinks, a tub and a make up table. sometimes i don't know whether to just sleep in the toilet or tv room cause i get too lazy to get to the other side of the room. and they really make you feel like king because they address me by my name when i just called service to ask for internet access. oh, i almost forgot. they got my mum and i a bentley from the airport to the hotel. by the way, the ride hardly took 10mins and they chose a bentley?! okay, they really give my mum a lot of face.

Casino's a sure thing. we are in vip room everyday, min bet is HKD5K, until now i still a bit amazed that my mum let me play. though i know she want me to learn, and i really did. not that i learnt how to become an addict, but instead the values my mother have.

When i think back, i slowly comprehend the way my mother did things. i slowly see the indirect means she took to teach me. i start to understand her predicaments and the way she played her cards down, not literally if you get what i mean. she start teaching my things i can never learn from someone else. she teaches me the person she wants me to be and yet in the midst of it all, i actually have a choice. i feel like she is preparing me to see and face the world alone. it even feels like she wants me to impersonate her when she's gone. the thought of that, shudders me.

Phuket was hell of a fun. and i'm too lazy to tell you everything we did. but too bad for those who didn't come along, because you truly missed out a lot. the highlight was yc puking for 3 nights straight. the aftermath of weilun.

We took this at phuket. a picture speaks more than a thousand words. we non-stop engaged in retarded things to do. just like this one.

Other that these trips, i've been through thick and thin with aviation. since that day when i touched the clouds, my new experience is taking-off on my own. which i am truly truly proud of myself. though i don't get as excited as i used to at the beginning whenever i am up there, i am addicted to the satisfaction i get from everything. and i know it shows depth and i am learning. its less of the joyride go up there and enjoy the sights and controls. now its more of you have the controls and you do everything on your own. when i hear myself through the radio transmission over at seletar airbase, i always feel proud of myself because i feel professional. because i am sharing the sky with other professional pilots and i can make the same calls they make. i slowly start to understand what they are saying, in contrast to the wtf that i always say when i hear them speak fast in alien language. now, i can speak alien language, though not as fast as them.

It may all sound easy and smooth-sailing, but in actual fact nothing has been an easy feat. i am mugging everyday and every night just so i can make things right and better for myself. you don't want to go there unprepared and get fucked badly, and i mean real bad. so every morning and night is the usual mental flying through departure and recovery procedures and contents to cover. but i don't fucking regret, because i get more and more addicted. i want to rise up to the challenge and show that i can make it. and i'm not going to give up just yet.

It's a bit of a big sacrifice because whenever ask me whether i'm free on this day this day and that day, i cannot give a definite answer because i know i am planned to fly everyday. i might fly at 8.30am or 4.30pm, i really don't know until the day before. thats why i cannot take the initiative to meet my friends! it'll be worst if i was the one who planned and ps right.

I've been constantly playing pool and i'm also getting more and more addicted. siao liao, need to find more khaki.

Along with all these many and much activities, i've been thinking, non-stop. that how am i going to weave out of everything nicely and make things right for myself and for you. it feels like its impossible to do so, and i don't really know what to do. whenever i know its because of that reason, i feel like i've been punched in the face for no fucking reason. and one day, if things ever reverse, i will fucking hate you. because when i left the world spinning on its own for you, you threw everything back and me. or maybe nothing. and i really don't know what else i can do. but i know its you or never. maybe never.

ON.

2009-12-29T23:41:00.002+08:00

I FINALLY GOT TO THE SKY TODAY. and i'm so fucking happy and proud of myself. it wasn't easy to finally get to where i am, but of course, there's such a long walk ahead of me. this is just the beginning of aviation and yes i want more.

I realized i had this silly smile on my face when i was up there, because it suddenly felt like a dream come true. not only for me, but for others and most importantly my mum. everything was so small up there. and i tried to find my car from the clouds and my car was smaller than a lego brick. so much for, YES MY CAR IS MY EVERYTHING and i want to build my life around it. suddenly, my car is nothing.

This is not my only realization. Singapore is such a small place, i almost flew out of it so many times. and then i look at the highways, the roads, the vehicles moving, the flats and houses, the reservoirs and gardens, the zoo, and people around with their activities. and i know that i am living in such a small box all along. i thought i knew a lot, a lot, but the truth hits me now. that i've been building my world around a place so small and i'm starting to chose to settle down. wtf, when i haven't even seen the world!

And i know that i'm lucky, very lucky. because not many people have the chance and opportunity to go for what they want. worst, some don't even realize!

Tomorrow's second flight, hopefully weather's good! and, hope the body's better in the air tomorrow. pray X34324091234750984375 i don't puke, cause fucking malu and they might kick you out of the course. and also that appointment with GM will go smoooth...

Time is short, and i really need to cherish my time with people worth my attention. i need to get things right! easier said than done, but yes i'm strong i won't give up easily!

Yonghe.

2009-12-23T01:51:00.002+08:00

Days are great when its simple. its when i have my rest and peace. its when i get to sleep enough and wake up to have the time to shit, read the papers and update myself with the world and have a heavenly tea. this routine is godly.

Then a nap is a must, a nap is crucial to making me a happy man. in other words, i thrive in a pig's lifestyle. and yes i really do.

Yesterday was happy, because i did the things i love. wen and i met for gym which was love, then he watched me have my dinner (so sweet and love), then we went to geylang for youtiao and soyabean which was love again. its the umpteen time i'm saying this but i'm still going to say it, that time with wen is always love because i still enjoy myself even if we talk about the same things, do the same things, and laugh over the same things.

I really hope its a right decision 10 years down the road. i hope it is a decision made right, and i hope i get onto the fleet and not to nowhere. but you can never plan the future, because somethings it is really not within your control. opportunities come and go, and if you're meant to make it, the chances you have will always be easier to take.

X'mas is coming! and i remember, how much you loved Christmas.

Vintage.

2009-12-14T23:49:00.002+08:00

It's funny because i always feel the same. regardless of where i am, as long as i'm in new places, i wish you'll be the one with me.

Bangkok has been awesome so far. so glad, i recovered so i can enjoy the rest of the trip. now, to finish angels and demons and enjoy last day tomorrow!

I miss you, and i miss you, and i miss you bambi, i miss you integra, and i miss you fujitsubo, and i really really do miss you.

Overdid.

2009-12-11T01:57:00.003+08:00

Prom was great! as usual, you see people you know but don't recognize all of a sudden! especially girls. nevertheless, i think all my buddies looked simply suave and mature! (Y) i thought anders deserved prom king!

On the side note, the food wasn't good. wasn't worth the money, neither was the service. especially the fucking taxi guy.

Post-prom at supper was awesome too. to see everyone going high and crazy, was shocking. you see people like huiwen, cb, peanut and so many more in the mood and rhythm. then we saw jason and his gf, jx and his gf and other friends like jiawei, sean, marcus tang and countless others, including mag!

Darren is a crazy guy. but its fun to club with him! i'm sure there will be more! he's such a fucker, open bottle after i go home. nb. and what a waste couldn't really club with cuzz and the rest. maybe a bit of yuhua but too little of the others.

Left the club with wen. despite losing both our voices, and feeling so shagged from all the dancing, it felt good to be with him. we walked along the empty roads and we talked about heartfelt stuff. and it feels weird to be out with him in the wee hours! huiwen don't you just hate me, i'm always part of your first times. (never your first sex okay)

Today was recuperation from post-prom and the fucking virus i'm down with. luckily i didn't drink much, if not i don't think i'll be well for bangkok. i skipped yfc today, and i feel fucking guilty. its so fucked up, its sucking up all my holiday. fucking full-time flying, nb. and when i'm back from bangkok, i need to do so much so much catch up. and i fucking hate it, because its just like school and what's the point of a holiday.

Dropped by the range to condition my golf for bangkok. then met zhai and boon for pool. and coincidentally, alvin, cephas and ck met up for pool too. so we kinda pool together. pool is such a love.

With the bad sore throat i have, how the hell am i going to enjoy all my tomyum. fuck this. i better pray miracles happen.

Bangkok early in the morning, and i can't wait for the food and drinks there. the golf, and the fucking massage! be back on tuesday and don't worry i will miss you.

Yay, Macau got postponed to 1st Jan, now i can go for djie's christmas party. but it also means i don't have time to rest for phuket. and it also means more catch up to come for yfc. oh fuck it.

Oka is such a sweetie, waiting for me to finish blogging so can bid goodnight to me. i really think we gay. luckily neither of us is a female, if not confirm everlasting love relationship. haha. kakak, isn't it great we can share about everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. and we fucking understand what each other mean. haha, fucking sick but i like. jakarta and bali to look forward!

If the only solution is to move on after every rejection, then i think its pointless to love someone.

I've been thinking about it all day and all night, and i still get no point. its true that its a passing phase, and its over. its good to know that because of you, i don't do the wrong things. you're like a reminder to everything, and you appear as and when you want. its hard because i cannot even make up a reason to see you again, and its tough because i don't even get to hear you.

But there is nothing i can do.

Unplugged.

2009-12-06T02:47:00.003+08:00

I realized this blog has been running for 4 years already, and this is only 206th post. a sign of blogging insufficiently? i don't think so! maybe cause i put in super extra effort in blogging i take a few days/months to recuperate. awful bullshit, but let me live in some self-denial okay. doing a lot of that recently.

I'm still the same old guy when i started with this blog. its funny when i look back and see how i've changed. i didn't changed, i didn't think differently, and i didn't feel different about things. i still feel the same way, the only thing that have changed is the way i expressed myself.

I look back and its amazing. i can't believe the ups and down i've been through. the feeling of being naive, the overwhelming emotions at cloud 99, and not forgetting those days in utter darkness. en route to this place where i am now, i think its remarkable. the people i got to know, the friends i make, the people i say goodbye to and say fuck off to. it adds up to almost everyone and anyone i've seen and its sick. its a sick load of people. and through everything, are just lessons learnt, blessings earn and regrets made.

And all these made me who i am.

First day of flying today. as good as it sounds, its not. you don't actually fly on your first day, but you work and strive to get to first flight. its a whole lot more complicated and tougher than driving and its definitely on my conquer list now. driving only needs speedometer, rpm and the occasional sound to boost ego. but flying is an art! cockpit got don't know how many nb gadgets to memorize and internalize. full time now, and i still have to make a decision whether to give up Bangkok. this sucks.

Feels good to be out with huiwen and gary and babe today. other than the rare opportunity of a hot man date, it is the chance to be happy again! even if it wasn't that long a date, even if we still settled at the same old places we loved to eat, even it rained heavily which made transport somewhat a little more annoying for me, it always is enjoyable. and the chance to express yourself, even when you're speaking the most abstract stuff on earth, and someone can get it, its top notch, top notch stuff.

Today i did something dumb. i drove to ECP and realized that all the carparks are blocked for standard chartered marathon later. so i had a hard time trying to find a place to park. after i finally found a nice cosy spot, i couldn't figure where to keep my car keys while jogging. i contemplated keeping leaving the car unlocked, keeping the keys within the rims, or keeping them secure with my balls in the undies. but all choices suck especially the last one, because i don't want to suffocate my car keys although its a great deal of warmth down there. and i definitely don't want to leave permanent key marks on my delicate balls.

So, i sped back home with Westlife. feels like the boyband was sitting in the car with me. and i was the lead singer and they sang along with me. i'm sure they enjoyed my singing and of course the car ride.

Its scary, very scary. i really wonder how women operate. i would never leave such shit for my son. and its plain logic dad, its obvious, can you just admit it. you have lost your senses and your judgement for the right and wrong is impaired. i hate to talk to you now, because its not me. whatever you criticized of me, i know its not your words but hers. and every time you talk, i know its not you, but her. and it hurts me, because i know there is no point in talking, there is no point in communicating. the best part of this all, its a problem we will never solve.

I smile and you call me sarcastic. what a joke, its because i don't always want to end up crying after talking to you you blockhead. see, now i know why i'm such a numb.

I promised not to be affected, but its hard. i know i'm losing rationale, and i'm being the freak. but does it matter? what does all these boil down to. my phone never blinked tonight, and i know its a sign of things going downhill again. the cart is going to crash, and there i go again.

Today was as promised, a part of you becoming integral to me. feels normal to wake up and have dreams, and hopes diminished by night.

I know, i know this is only a passing phase. and i should get out of it asap.

Now, time to catch some fucking sleep i so fucking longed for.

Liberation.

2009-12-04T00:30:00.002+08:00

Finally its over. i can't be any delighted!

Now with the order of things, i'm going to take them down one by one. endlessness, a good sign?

Hell yeah, i think about you all the time. i don't know where the fuck you are, what the fuck you are doing, who the fuck you are with, who the fuck and what the fuck you are thinking of. i know shit about you.

And its becoming a fucking routine every night. looks like its a matter of getting used to now. nothing else matters, i just want my sleep back. back from you.

I'll wait forever and another day for you.

Insomnia.

2009-12-02T01:03:00.002+08:00

Wait for fuck. don't even know what the fuck i am waiting for. i don't even understand what the hell i'm doing to myself. i reminded myself countless times, but only to fall deeper and deeper. i don't know what the fuck you're trying to do, other than making me feel worst. sometimes i'm more than a fool, to be so silly.

I know i want it back too badly. i know i'm yearning more and more for it everyday. i know its overwhelming, and i know how much it means to me. i've lost it for too long, and now i want it bad. very badly.

The good thing is i've made up my mind. this is better than giving up.

A moment of her time just seems impossible to me.
It’s hard to find the words, to get to know this stranger.
I’m scared of what she’ll say if what I say sounds incomplete,
And it feels like we belong together.
Can someone tell me where do I start.

Cause, I can’t keep on feeling the way I do.
I can’t keep on, hiding my heart from you.
I got to say something before,
Someone else comes through.
I can’t keep on loving you,
From a distance.

CT.

2009-11-28T02:17:00.002+08:00

If only everyday could be like today, or something like today. i wake up, and i do what i want. i see the people i want, and i get to spend time with people that means the most to me.

Isn't control = MRT? sorry wen, i really had to say it. haha!

The weather was so fucking good for what we wanted, but it didn't last long after all. though it was a false alarm, we had a good share of the sun on our face. brothers will forever be brothers. there is a cause, we share the same ideas and we think the same way. 99% of the time, we will cmi the same girl. nice.

And great, because your bowling improved! now you've got some tips from the master, make sure you perform better in front of someone else okay. see i so brave (you know what i mean ^^), do something to show me you can too!

It feels good to win money, and then to split with my mother. 35x3 wtf! i wish i'll have the ability in the future. to do more than enough, to earn more than enough, to share with my mum and love. its a sense of satisfaction, it feels like an achievement, it should be an obligation.

My mother dam onz, ask me for movie on sunday night again. she say she want to watch Rain (Ninja Assassin). when she told me i stun, nothing to say. but of course, i gladly say okay, great, lets go for a date again. pretty please, no more hanky panky beside us this time.

5 minutes from Bedok Reservoir is no fun. it is one hell of a danger, i almost killed myself. i'm so sorry babe! i really really really really really didn't mean to be so so so late. your understanding and graciousness means a lot to me. i know you would have blamed yourself if i got myself killed. oh wells, time to visit the workshop.

Sometimes i really don't understand. if there was so much to be said, why don't you talk to yourself instead. you're like a land mine, you explode when someone's near your proximity. you're an headless rat, you dig dig and dig non stop without directions. and you say sorry when you dig something not yours. game on.

I know its a glimpse. i know whatever you've been through, i don't talk to you, but i feel you. your reaction to me, i understand. but please give me a chance to even share everything with you. in the first place, i don't feel that good. and there's something we share about this. the fact that i burn to see, is my fact for you. feels like a losing cause, and yes i know how wild this is, but i'm willing to take you on. tell me why, no no no no no no no.

I don't know why but only now that i understand why people have dreams of having a happy family. and i realized, its something i want badly. not that mine is a very tragically sad one, but i just want to treat my wife right, and i want to be there for her. god, i wish things would be right.

I want to talk about you, but i can't. i want to speak to you, but i can't. i want to see you, but i can't.

B-Girl!

2009-11-24T22:27:00.003+08:00

SWEETHEART YOU ARE SO CUTE AND I LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH, ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU BATHE YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KISS YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU LOVE! <3

Regime.

2009-11-24T00:45:00.004+08:00

Miss HK days!

Chem totally sugs today. but i should forget about it. i should i should i should. its over and there's nothing i can do about it! same old excuse for every paper...

But i should take something positive from it, and it is another paper down and only one left!

Nevertheless, life begins for me.

Well, i think it began a couple of days before already. everyone's starting to party! because almost everyone around me has plans already, only those poor physics that has paper 3. i didn't lose out, because i met my mum instead! and i still had helluva fun. my mum's turning 50 soon, but she's still young at heart i swear.

How many of you have a mum that can still laugh at the jokes you make. and i mean, all the time! and the best part, i laugh at her. i laugh at her english, i laugh when she makes stupid mistakes and when she says dumb things. in the end, we laugh together. HAHA.

Right, so i asked for steamboat and we went to somewhere near rangoon for it. then i asked to date her to a movie. and we did! caught 2012 and i think its such a appropriate movie to watch with your mum. because she gave life to me, and we watch the world end together. wait.. is there really a link.

The best part is a couple an empty seat away from my mum was making out. seriously like wtf. they chose a seat next to the aisle and make out. my mum dam distracted, keep looking and keep asking me to look cause the guy touching the girls boobs. but i not interested cause i think that couple dam disgusting. best part is, my mum told me the girl was wanking for the guy. and she was demonstrating the action for me. (Y) PLUS, omg, appreciate someone making out with my mum? ultra wrong? so i prefer to act innocent.

The way the world ended, dam sick, dam sick, really dam sick. like wtf, i was wondering which scene i want to die in? because i confirm cannot be saved one. how to be so hero like that guy, fly across continents and some china guy saved him in the end.

All in all, my mum made my day. sometimes i think if i smoke, i'll be my mummy's best buddy.

Managed to make some time to finally read the papers, and why is everyone dying so randomly. it seems so normal to have an article regarding someone dying without reasons. maybe i might be one of those who die randomly. huiwen remember how i want my funeral to be? you better make it happen.

Everything is destined from the start, the way we started and ended. i don't regret for anything i've done. but it kinda stings, and its a sign of life. but i know death is coming. and so sorry, everything about you, is out of my life.

New moon is coming out and i can't wait! think i'm going to read the book all over again first!

And Djie boy, i wonder if you'll ever find my blog haha! don't be sad anymore! that day talk to me until i almost died, but okay la at least you're happier. be more positive can, there's nothing wrong!

Play some golf and you'll be fine!

Now there's really a lot of things to do. its a matter of which to begin with.

Everything i listen to MJ, i feel sad. why do i always feel sad listening to songs.

I will miss school, i really will. So long.

Square.

2009-11-12T20:06:00.002+08:00

A is not good. how come i don't have a good feeling about anything.

Deceit. is it even wrong to think of you.

Time to bid goodbye soon.

With Speed.

2009-11-06T00:57:00.003+08:00

A couple more days and its what we've been fighting for. i just want to fight for myself, fight for something i deserve. i don't expect the best, but just what i deserve. thats enough, more than enough for me.

This is really crazy. i don't understand, sleeping makes me feel guilty. it makes you lose appetite, and creates irregular heartbeats. dysjuction of feelings, emotional thoughts and even lead to nervous breakdown.

Is it a must for all these to be put up for truth to hold. i find it a big turn off, i don't want to think and even mention. any degree relation, and i don't recognize, i reject. before time, it was possible, it still taste sweet. but it has turned bittersweet and i rather spit than swallow. so glad for decisions made, and regrets take. for all i know, it's worthwhile and i cannot imagine living hell. to even think of you, its my disuse.

Hardly had a breather. i tried to live without you and its working. everything went by without you, its like you've vanished. and i knew that it could work this way. i find it an awful chore to keep up, because i know it should be effortless. but then again, i know a effort made, will not be appreciated.

I think its a new thing. because my heart skipped a beat. but i'm never too sure, because no hopes harbored. the A's are really coming this time, if you get what i mean again, i mean i follow my heart, and i keep my head down to do my best.

I'm addicted to speed. i use speed to make myself feel better. i'm numb, and i don't want to make a mistake. i know i will regret one day, i can only hope it's nowhere near. i hope i stay disciplined. or rather, i don't ever feel this way again.

Yes, i have to sleep, all for the better good. because i have to wake 7 hours later, for the routine good. i really hope you push me away.

Tousle.

2009-10-31T01:07:00.004+08:00

All good things/good times come to an end. how true. but with the end of something good, it follows with a heartbreak, it ends with a disappointment, it finishes leaving regret, it brings unhappiness. given another chance, another choice, would you have accepted happiness and good times again?

No doubt, being upset and all the unhappiness is the benchmark for euphoria. the line drawn between such feelings will always be intangible. it is contrasting, but getting from one end to the other is never a feat. you cannot control emotions, you cannot control feelings, neither can you stop hallucinating about things that are impossible. so i must stay on my feet, and do my reality checks.

Just caught MJ, This Is It with oka. any MJ fan, please go catch it. its worth your money and fucking time off studying. i feel sad that he just died like that. i dont understand why he deserve to die just like that. all the efforts he has put in for his last show, just went down the drain. he deserve a fucking chance to show how talented he is for 50 year old man before dying. life is short, life is unpredictable. dont want to leave with regrets.

I hate it when you make me feel that way. i really really hate it.

Tomorrow's yet another day.

The A's is coming, but the end is not far away. how exciting.

Miss the real you.

Fragility of Life.

2009-10-18T11:48:00.002+08:00

I vividly remembered how nice it was a week or so ago. i remembered how warmth your hand felt and how comforting your words were. you sympathize with me, you seem like you know how i feel. your pat on my back tells me you understand my plight and at the point of time, it seemed like only you could comprehend my difficulties. you joked with me about life, and you make me laugh. you are special to me because regardless of your age, your sense of humor is ever-present. you told me what i can do to feel better, and you gave me comfort to think my way. you embrace my contributions and you make me think less, worry less. i remembered how nice it was to sit by your bed side, to watch the television with your hand in mine. and i will always remember your words.

The second last time i saw you, was the worst i have seen of you. i know you were already seeing things we cannot see, and refuse to face the fact that its almost time for you. it pains me because you cannot recognize me anymore, and you wont reach out for my hand again. but i reach out for yours, because i know you can listen and feel the presence of all your loved ones. your body trembled with every breath you take, and i know how much you want to live. i cannot do anything to help, i can only stand and wait. never in my world, that i would know it will be my second last time seeing you.

The moment i got the news, i rushed down and hope to see you again. i hope to see you for the last time, i hope you can hear my voice. but it was planned, that the last time i see you, you would stop breathing and you would lose the fight you fought your best. perhaps, it'll be better for you. i could only stand and pray inside. this time, i didn't have to talk, because i know you can hear me on the inside. that you would rest and go in peace.

Chinese New Year 2010 will be without you, and i have one less person who loves me. but i know you will be watching from up there, and i will always feel your love mama.

Farewell!

2009-10-11T09:24:00.006+08:00

Its so sad that there's no more tutorials, lectures and anything and everything that a class or cohort can collectively do together. it is indeed the farewell, and everyone's on their own. no more class, no more nothing. and even some cliques that are together because of everyday school, may just drift because without school, it is indeed hard to maintain such close friendship.

I miss my classmates, my teachers and other friends that i know we cannot get any closer and it's only because of school we are friends! its unbelievably fast that JC life ended so abruptly. and there are regrets for things that i haven't do, or haven't put in an extra mile for some people. in contrast, i really feel so so so glad to have met some people.

Of course, the Basketball team is one of the best things that have happened to me. and not forgetting, the seniors. ESG (East-Side-Gang) if you still don't know about it! we will continue living our legacy and we will still do everything we did 20-30-40 years down the road! the Pool Gang, i still miss the times when we all can meet and open 2-3 tables and enjoy time together. Twins! for so much so much unforgettable memories, we need to meet for tennis soon! Bio Lecture group! all the entertaining each other during boring lectures, and the simpang that we needed so much that week. 08S37! and now the individual pokemons like tansijing, jobeltan, wongyuhua, amandatan, andersaplin and surenghanimycousin that have brought much joy to school and my life.

I just can't imagine how life would be for me without knowing you people!

VJC is a place i would miss badly, anytime after i graduate.

Suffocating.

2009-09-03T01:15:00.002+08:00

Wish you hadn't been so important, then i wouldn't have to think about you.

I feel like i'm at the end of the road, and i have lost all my control.

Feel like picking it up, but fear that i'll give in.

I know myself best, i like what i don't like, but don't like what i like.

Stalk-like Predator.

2009-09-03T00:03:00.002+08:00

Call me a champion! why? because i was 15 minutes late for my fucking GP paper. no seriously, what the fuck was i thinking. it is such a bad note to start with a fuck in every sentence, but i don't really care, i think it is quite cool. anyway i woke up at 4am and i think i just turn the alarm off without unconsciously and i'm screwed just like that. lucky i chose not wind down the curtains, or the sun won't wake me up. guess its all planned! i'm planned to take the paper, but late.

And i don't have a good feeling about GP. i mean since when i had a fucking feeling i'm going to ace GP or English... actually, i've never had such a feeling about any paper i took. so i'm pointless here. argh, since its over, i can only hope and pray right?

Pool day today! waa lao, i really dam slack. i bet everyone fucking panic after today's paper then chiong study. only a fucktart like me can chose to play pool, the whole day! but right, promised no more pool till prelims over. feels like a longgggg time later, sad life.

I'm just like that. if you're unhappy, i cannot baby you. you're not my love, you're not my darling, sorry i really cannot do it. i would just shut the fuck up. good or bad, you decide.

I have so much in mind, so much that i want to do. it feels like my small mind cannot contain everything. i know i must persevere, persevere for my greater good.

Anyway, whatever that happened was a mess. a mess that can never be cleared up! guess, its because i never ever want to touch it again.

Dental tomorrow, i scared leh. i got 2 ulcers, later he poke me how. i hate being poke. and, i really got poked again for that medical checkup. pray to Him no use leh, you know which Him right? i'm not racist, i'm really not.

If i pass this test, no only it will be another major event without you, but i will be one step further away from you and a step nearer to my dream.

I stalk-like predator.

Plastic Cups.

2009-08-31T23:58:00.003+08:00

Jobel : to dream that you are making out with someone you don't like in that way, suggests that you need to acknowledge and incorporate aspects of this person into your own character. Consider specific traits that this person possess. To dream that you're making out with a friend suggests that you've an unconscious desire to pursue the relationship but fear that it'll jeopardize the friendship.

This is a big HAHA! omg, when i received this text i was like wth jobel, you and your warped reasoning. i really don't know what kinda sources she have! haha!

Driving today dam stressed. Basket, the guy don't whether trying to help me or destroy me. Give me attitude when i enter the car then like look down on me cause i more zai then others need less lessons to reach this phase, then like want to test me and make sure i suck. okay, i very haolian say i zai but i never say i sure pass my test also la. actually i very paranoid about the test, i really think its heng/suay one. anyway, this dam guy took like 60mins to open up to me and become friendly (that's after he found out that i'm a nice boy :D), then such a small world he tell me he is VJ maths hod and dunman high principal best friend. i really want to tell him i don't care because i don't even know who our maths hod is and i know nuts about dunman high right. but he went on and even told me yang shiling is his niece and i was okay, she's my classmate for 2 years. okay, lets not talk about her. next...

I feel like a cockroach already la, like my CT said. only can study at night, day time like so lethargic! probably its the messed up body clock again, more unwinding to do... and it's going to be worst because yap jinxin coming my house now to disturb me, at this freaking hour! okay, never mind i'm going to be a good influence and make jinxin study. but jinxin is another sweetie la, so nice ask me whether need a ride home from Expo. so sweet right? the intention is there makuku, but... i still don't want to give you my virgin pillion ride! haha! you are so unsafe!

Gym today with Djie. make me wait one hour then come and ask me chiong bench press with you obviously i will die right. anyway this guy dam sick, 10set, 10 reps of bench, his tits confirm bigger than mine la. but never mind, i know i will win him one day. sex handle here i come!

Gary is such a sweet boyfriend, almost everyday spend time with hd. they LDR but can still maintain so well, i'm so envious! but it shouldn't even be a surprise, who doesn't know how nice Mr. Tang is!

Muscle ache now leh, should i go for a run? i scared later i over-exert. but i feel like i need to sweat out again. later flip-coin and decide la.

I hate this kinda feeling, i hate it when i have to wait for nothing. but i cannot do anything!

The more i know things associated with you, the more i shun away from you. i'm not normal, you should know that. the big events go by without me, followed by the small ones. and then i will vanish. or i already did.

Guys! i really miss every single one of you. i wish we can play basketball together again, have lunch, feast at katong laksa, at sakae, at seoul, at bedok interchange, at marine parade, at bugis steamboat and anywhere we actually eat together. fuck, now it seem so hard to even get everyone together. so much for brotherhood forever, next time got wife, got children, got mistresses how to meet all together. confirm dam hard one lor, you all just make me sad. hopefully you all are studying hard, and i really miss miss miss every single one of you!

I'm a miracle baby! every single time my mother talk about how i was born, what i do when i was a young boy, and every single thing about me, i would always listen attentively. even though she told her friends and i a million times, i still am very interested! i really can't believe it, 6months 3weeks you are born and you want to eat french fries when you don't even have a teeth out yet. waa lao, i think i really dam cute when i was a young boy. if i'm an adult and see myself as a young boy confirm love him to bits. and my mum is right, everything i also a step ahead. don't believe? you see anyone around with such a thick mustache around? no one keeps it except me! simply because... i love it!

Jinxin coming over leh, i better bathe if not he say i smelly boy. aight, night folks. hope the studying has been good!

Don't tell me about you, i'm really not interested.

Mixed.

2009-08-29T00:07:00.003+08:00

Such a long time since i last post! actually i didn't realize how long it was until i looked at the date of the previous. but i guess its good, because people will stop coming to read. and when there's less people reading, i can be a little more transparent.

Pool is the thing now. no studying today and i don't feel anything bad about it, i'm sorry. i think i deserve a WHOLE day of pool after working harder than i've ever had for the past 2 weeks or so. today was with zhai, aby, black, lum and ron. dam fun as usual, and i really can't believe it zhai, second round baby! other than fun, i'm glad everyone's improving. and aby, you really dam suay, so fast cue stick bend. hopefully you can unbend it!

Youth Flying Club today, and i fucking lucky, i should count my lucky stars. nbccb, i go into the interview without being prepared for any shit. i don't even know how serious it was, until i got into the meeting room. cb, ask me what you like about the plane and blah blah. wtf actually can predict these questions but really, i can't answer them! and the worst of all, i told them i prefer to be in commercial. they wanted to get me out of the room already, but you know i'm good at impromptu kinda stuff right? so i still managed to salvage the whole thing, and got accepted for medical tomorrow! so much for my smartness, i still think i cannot make it cause i dam gay i pes c, when they find out i hide from them i die. well... i'm actually considering to up my pes, am i nuts!

You really dam disappointing. i don't know what you're trying to do, i really don't. you trying to be funny? i thought you knew me best, really. but why you like to prove me wrong? i really want to tell everyone, or rather i already told so many, but you made me eat my words. i really don't like the way you handled matters at such circumstances, i really want to tell you off. but i realized i don't have to, you should think about it yourself. well, you always want to.

Let's count the number of days a week i spent at Expo now, i think its ridiculously at least 4-5 times a week. other than the nice environment, if you get what i mean. huiwen and gary confirm know la, you all want to ask them why? ask lor, they surely wont tell you also. see, i trust my brothers.

Why is everyone abandoning their blogs now? seriously, like seriously, blogger actually distracts you from studying so much so?! if blogging is so tempting, i really don't know what to say. maybe like... please get a life, because in life they are so much better things! haha, try pool if you can!

I think VJC is good school. i love it because people really play hard, study hard. we are people with a right balance. except for some nerds really, who study all day long. if you don't get your 4As, i really pity and sympathize with you. you're missing out the good in life!

Tell me tell me, who can not think about what's going to happen after the A's. its so unimaginable, it will be so unbelievable. i really scared i go bonkers when 3rd December comes along. come to think about it, its not really that long later. so fellas, let's put in some hard work and do the fucking best we can. i don't have any aim. partly because i don't want to be too disappointed when the results come back, partly because i don't know what i deserve. so really, i can only stick it there and really try my best. i know i deserve better after all. even if i don't, i must get away saying that hey boy, no worries, you've put in your best.

Sometimes i feel like i live in a world when i'm the only one. lucky for me, i don't feel sad or wrong about it. in fact, i like the idea and i enjoy doing things on my own. and i'm an orphan, who wants to adopt me? i live with bambi and my maid, take us in together. no no, rather, who wants to move in and live with me?

So happy to see kai today! fucking going taiwan tomorrow for some shit ns trip, hope he don't die there. come to think of it, i also want to go. even if its going to be physically draining, i'm up for it. i feel not right being in pes c. and wtf, you know girls are disappointed in me when they find out i'm in pes c. and when guys hear about it, they are full of envy. i don't know which side is living in denial.

I miss days like this, when i do things that i enjoy doing. and i spend my time with people i think deserve it and we have fun together. i really hate having to wake up every single day and you know the only thing you can do is to study. even if you do study hard, you are not guaranteed anything. what if the examiner just hates my handwriting and just decided to fail me and burn my script while marking on his rocking chair, under the chimney in a cool nice winter. okay sorry, i know i'm really very imaginative. but i'm serious! what if... you know never know. you just got to keep convincing yourself that whatever effort you're putting in is going to pay off. you just got to keep going, you just got to keep walking. its no fun, its no enjoyable, and i salute everyone taking this path! we are brave people. (Y)

The cake, the show, the bread, the sandwich, the snap, the esp, the serve, the cubaice, the flatsour, the drawings, the wink, the annoy, the pimp, the lookaway, the name, the alf, the walk, the handbehind, the baba, the fairs, the reluctance, the blush, the thought, the smellgood, the funny, the popcorn, the cupcake, the what's more that's coming, i think i miss you.

Time in jc is really short. i know i will regret if i don't make things well. but i don't know why things just don't seem right. nothing seems right and i can chose neither. so i leave and wither. very cowardly, but i think you're starting to enjoy. and if i ever saw any of this coming, i make sure this never started.

So much movies to catch now! i really want to watch where got ghost and laugh my ass out. and final destination. if i watch right, am i wasting time not studying? feels like it, but i'm not me if i don't chose to enjoy my life. so just myself la, easier.

By the way folks, post prom is cancelled. jobel cancelled it cause all you people sucks. all give stupid replies like wait ah, i see whether my friend going not. or another classic is, to act blur and say see first. and then like act no money, say cannot pay up cause prom very expensive. fuck you la, now till As how long, one day save $1 cannot? besides, you study so hard everyday, one bus ride less and you can save half the amount you need a day. and those that very dam enthusiastic about this party, thumbs up for you. but sorry, jobel have to disappoint. don't blame her la, she very power one person try to manage this whole thing, its only natural to call it off when there's lukewarm response. so now i guess, we need to make plans for our own post-prom!

Oh can i just say how sweet huiwen is, he is such a sweetie. he really want to go home and study because he hates staying back in school to study, BUT he chose to stay back and help me with vectors when i asked for help. for 2 fucking days! and i really suck at vectors, i was afraid he might just smack me in the head and ask me to get a life, but he was so sweet and patient he taught me from the basics. no doubt there was vulgarities hurling, not surprising given how annoying it is to teach me. and the best thing is, i think he's a dam good teacher. next time can be like Mr. Ng, and give mass tuition and help the masses and be a rich man. nonetheless, i think you'll get a fucking high paying job next time. but i know you well enough, you rather earn less but help people! eh wait, i realized you're already a Mr. Ng! nice!

You know every time i walk past the koi pond and i see the fishes dead, i will be very sad. i don't know what they die, but i hope its not people who purpose poison the water and kill them. if its really people who did it on purpose, i hope you get the same retribution. you eat your indian pattaya rice and the indian aunty put rat poison for you.

I tried to be normal but i can't. i really can't. i really can't accept it. i can't convince myself enough, i can't put myself in your shoes and understand. i really see no point in all this. and i even feel that its my fault that things would end up this way. i feel that its just dumb. i think you're just a desperate child. for fuck's sake, you don't have to do this. i don't want to think about what you want to gain from all these, it really disgusts me. and for your information, its not just me.

If you have any spare money and you don't know how to spend it, get the new shuffle! omg, its the best thing right now, can't express how much i love it!

Aight man, imma go sleep. fuck, need to wake up in approx. 5hours. hopefully i pass my medical, and i pray oh pray to any God, probably Allah cause now Ramadan and i think he's most powerful now, that tomorrow got no dam blood test! this is sending chills down my spine.

Goodnight everyone! wondergurl, i know you are reading this. i didn't break my promise. can trust me another time. and maybe, you can just find your zen here. :)

Prickly really hot ah?

2009-07-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

Grace! says: (11:23:03 PM)

prickly heat not hot meh>

Grace! says: (11:23:03 PM)

Take Take. says: (11:23:10 PM)

HAHAHAHHAAH FUCK YOU GRACE

Take Take. says: (11:23:12 PM)

HAHAHHAHAHHAAHHA

Grace! says: (11:23:32 PM)

no i seriously thought prickly heat was

Grace! says: (11:23:36 PM)

prickily hot

Grace! says: (11:23:38 PM)

ahahhaha!

WTF GRACE! LAUGH PEOPLE LAUGH! HAHAHA

Yesterday's Letter.

2009-06-29T23:36:00.004+08:00

don't you agree that everyone grows up with a idol or a hero in their mind? its like someone they want to be when they grow up and every kid just needs to have a hero. everything that this person does seems perfect and right, and you just wished you could grow up and clone this person. some people dream to be cartoon characters, some dream to become animals, and some don't even mind becoming food of their favorite, don't tell me you don't want to be a cheeseburger when your parents say no to MacDonald's. do i make sense? i mean, you rather be something you love than not getting it. at least, you know you'll feel appreciated by people who have a mind like yours. but really, at that young an age, do you even think so much?

i was thinking for the past few days, and i was thinking, thinking, who was my idol. who was the person that made me want to impersonate and was the one who gave me values. my idol is a give-away and probably one that everyone would guess right at first try. he is no other than my, Dad.

i wouldn't deny that my relationship with my dad is in any good. and its no surprise. look around, how many of you plant an invisible barrier with your parents as you grow up, how many of us start to detest our parents as we mature and think with our own complicated mind. but of course, i know a proportions of people have a real happy family and i'm happy for these people really. congrats, because it is God-sent and please appreciate whatever efforts your parents have put in for the family.

now i look back, and i ask myself, how could i have idolized my dad? nevertheless, i'm sure he was my superhero when i was a little boy.

moving on, it feels just like yesterday when everything has happened. feels like yesterday when i just came back from HK, feels like yesterday when i just finished A'Boys, feels like yesterday when we started not to talk.

i couldn't sleep last night and i was tossing around till 3am, and i was feeling like a zombie when i wasn't even sure that i woke up. i guess, it was because of a screwed up body-clock. and i'm trying to tune it back, i wished i could do it manually. how fun would that be.

i hope i would stick to my plans, and i hope i have the discipline to resist against everything else. day by day, i can feel that we're more than a step a day adrift from each other. feels like, even if i have anything to say, you'll be too far away to hear me, so far away.

i know, if you still read my blog, you'll agree that my writing improved. like how you always would be proud of me,

Right Back Where We Started.

2009-06-27T04:54:00.002+08:00

its almost 5 in the morning and i still cant get to sleep. i've thought about so much, and yet i cannot find answers to all my doubts. if i cant live a fortnight like this, i don't know how you do it for months.

i wish we could go back, to right where we started. i cant forget the first time i looked into your eyes, you were the most beautiful thing. and the whole relationship thing, that brought us together made me a brand new person. i didn't care about anything else, i just felt like i was building my life around you.

i miss you, and you're still somewhere i know. i cannot force myself to believe how i would feel when i realize you're gone someday. i don't know how much more intense the pain would be, and i don't know how long more will it take to ever move on.

so many dreams and promises, and we wish we could hold on and accomplish them. they're kept deep in my heart, and i know i'll never forget until we win it together. i wish i could guide you out of our life, and i hope you're more than half way there.

i hope there's no more affection between us, because i never want to break your heart and see you cry. i miss your big o' hugs.

PS. I love you.

Oka is my BFF.

2009-06-25T01:12:00.003+08:00

kenji had a rough day today and he couldn't join oka and i in the end. nevertheless, we had the best of time as usual!

we went for sushi tei at paragon and got the shock of our lives when sushi tei was not at the original location! and we were so disappointed we had to settle for something else. (we were fucking disappointed, because oka NEVER walks anywhere further than wisma from forum. and he's making an exception this time because its a 1-on-1 hot date with me.) to our surprise, we saw the fucking revamped sushi tei at another corner and we were so excited like we found money. haha!

anyway dinner was a bomb, i (and i think oka too) enjoyed the meal so much. not because its just my favorite jap food, but also cause it feels so good to talk to someone who has a soul alike yours. and it was just carefree conversation and no matter what i said or what he said, we knew we understood what each other were trying to bring across. and we ordered all the food we love, although he dont love wasabi as much as me, he still helped me finish the wasabi udon, so sweet right. anyway the meal cost $103.45, see how much we can eat.

then we went for the sexciting drag me to hell horror! sexciting, cause both of us scared of horror. haha, and the fucking lido theatre 6 really dam small and lousy. but still, it managed to jerk us out of our seats. i have to admit it was a lousy horror, it was a better comedy. we really had a good time laughing at the eyeballs popping, the exaggerated gore, the joke of it all. haha, oka is such a perfect companion for a show like this. and we had to grab each other at the climax, okay, because both of us got scared already. haha. and oka, i knew from the start you were staring at the black top girl. and you were paying more attention to her than you were to the movie. haha!

nice night walk back to oka's place as usual and he purposely chose to walk past orchard towers today la, when i insisted on the other side. haha, bet he wanted to look at those filipinos and thais lor. and as usual i stole an ice-cream at his place and wanted to eat the hamster up, freaking fat popcorn. and thanks auntie for the jelly hearts :) you remembered its my favorite.

oka and kenji got me a belt and skinzzzzz for bday, thanks lots guys! must be oka's taste, thats why i love it. for kenji, it still gotta be 'the uglier it is, the better is it'.

anyway, the letter's so sweet oka! you're right, its not the number of hours spent on doing retarded fun stuff, but the number of times the person makes you feel so grateful to have known him and you have made me feel so grateful countless times. and i'm sorry i cannot be there whenever you needed somebody, but i promise we'll be best of friends, until... we get old! haha, how dreadful.

thank you so much oka, you make me feel so appreciated and i just want to say i love you. BFF okay! and, sleep well tonight, i hope the old woman don't haunt you in your dreams. haha! and please please please bathe more omg!

BFF!

Eyes on You.

2009-06-24T02:37:00.002+08:00

of course, the biggest news this week is that the CTs are postponed. hoooray! sigh a breathe of relief muggers. it's an awesome feeling when you're desperately doing the last minute revision and you know its not working because of the fucking short time left. i feel happy cause i got more time to study, but i feel like crap when i know the torture is dragged... its true man, when people say why postponed when i'm not even studying, there's no point to this.

i'm sleeping like past 2am everyday and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. feels like insomnia, feels like crap. and the best part of it all, is i'm not staying home for my study. and every night, i still think its best with you around, dont think i can sleep alone.

taking them all out and putting them back makes me feel so loved. i cant believe for how everything has happened, and i think i can only be thankful. i always feel so appreciated, and everything makes my love so worth it. although i missed a lot of everything, i think its only fair to do what you always wanted to. go ahead, i think you'll be happier. at least, not with a bastard anymore.

meeting oka and kenji tomorrow, hope the movie's going to be good. and hope i can stop thinking about everything.

and i remembered how you always liked to go for movies with me,

Stepping Stone.

2009-06-17T22:08:00.005+08:00

so fucking glad that the stupid medical check-up is over. now i'm like free from a compulsory needle poking session, i hope i would never have to go through something like that again. it was pain, not very-pain, sharp pain, bearable pain, make me want to cry pain, make me want to scream kinda pain, i just cant describe how the pain actually felt. and my wish didn't come true la, so many freaking people around and if i scream, confirm dam paiseh. and hot girl my ass, knn, the whole place all guys, got this old uncle poking people some more, lucky i never kena. huiwen and cb dam poor thing, kena old man and huiwen got traumatized because to distract huiwen, the old man ask him whether he like hairy or not hairy girls. like wtf.

if only all pains were this bearable, this temporary. if only pride could stand in the way, and make you lie that it doesn't hurt at all. and only if all wounds are micro-sized.

life sucks, because you cannot bear all kinds of pain, you cannot hold your tears. you will cry as and when you want, you cannot stop thinking about the things that upset you. and you'll never know how deep someone has cut you, and you never know when the wound would ever heal. you can never put a plaster over it and make yourself feel better. and even if you find something to make you feel better, you'll only realize that you're cheating yourself at the end of the day.

i'm still very proud of myself that i didn't scream, didn't cry going for the fucking blood withdrawal shit. but my blood makes me feel faint and lucky i never faint.

but i'm not so proud that i cant be a superman that withstands all pain.

its yet another day, without you.

Phobiaphobic.

2009-06-16T23:07:00.002+08:00

i fucking hate needles i fucking hate needles i fucking hate needles! fuck, tomorrow got ns medical check-up can anyone save me? can i like get excused from drawing blood? or... can they drug me so when they finish drawing as much fucking blood they want from me they can wake me up and i dont feel anything? please please please, i would give anything to be excused tomorrow. but if i dont go tomorrow will i get jailed? waa lao, i hate this man.

fuck la, i still hate it its making me nervous i cant fall asleep in peace tonight. sorry la guys, i know this sounds dam stupid but i just have to blog my feelings out to feel better. but i dont know why this is the first time it doesn't help!!! i still feel like fuck about needles knn! better hope the nurse is fucking hot, like the one i remembered in the infirmary in PB1 so can distract my attention. argh.... somebody save me from this torture! cant seem to find any fucking escape this time round argh!

i can only pray the whole goddamn procedure goes smoothly tomorrow and very very very little people around the freaking area to laugh at my chickening out and trembling. hate needles! i still hate needles! do you hear me? do you get me? i hate needles! why must they choose such a stupid way to draw blood! why poke poke poke into your body waa lao, and grace can even say she like the feeling. omg, fuck poking bodies with needles.

okay, i still dont feel any better.

so many birthdays!

15th, happy 18th birthday for clarice and jason! i hope both healthy, both get good A's and both dont suffer any torture like poking needles into veins. okay, sorry jason you're in this with me tomorrow, but i think you not scared. haha.

17th, happy 18th birthday weehoe! this is about 45mins in advance! no choice because i need to sleep soon, so i can wake up early for dont know what reasons and get poked by needles. anyway i just want to say i love you love you love you so much! you're the best! thanks for all the times you're there for me, emotionally, mentally, physically, almost every possible way. you're so sweet, you're almost there for every of my match and i wish i could do something more than just saying i love you. but i think mellisa will be jealous, so i think i love you is the most i can do. okay, next time give you a good wet kiss, but cannot reject me. and good luck, one more year before you graduate from poly and go for ns medical check up and get poked by needles. eh, please book the earliest slot, because you must go earliest. you need the most time to draw blood, your muscles too big and too thick, you will break all the needles. HAHA. so, dont work out so much! save the needles! for yourself, not for me! hah, love you lots bro.

Dazzy Days.

2009-06-15T15:18:00.002+08:00

life without you's a living hell for me.

i miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you so badly.

does this even mean anything to you. i just want to know how does morning feels without me, and how night feels when you cant talk to me.

it sucks for me, because everything doesn't have you in it.

cant imagine living everyday like this, until time really heal all wounds. if this saying is even right in the first place. oh fuck it.

time to move on.

Your Ghost.

2009-06-15T00:47:00.002+08:00

i realized a lot, that i dont want to be the only one left that's empty and lonely. i loved my childhood sweetheart and i forever will. my childhood sweetheart's my best love and i thought i would marry my childhood love. but i needed one, no, countless chances to to be forgiven because of my mistakes. and its true, the pain that comes from regret is so much more than the pain of choosing to be separated.

reality hurts, and i wanted to run away from it. but you hinted to me in the slightest way before, that you would move on one day. and i was right, i would hate you in the end because i cant love you.

i hate it when i know nothing of you, and only when i'm so desperate i use others to find out about you. but its always too late, i'm always too late to board onto the same train as you are, i'm always slow to realize how much you needed me. i can only said i tried, but thats it.

no more hopes for me, and though the pain is so immense, i am proud of you.

here comes goodbye, enjoy your new life, without me.

Found and Cried.

2009-06-14T15:35:00.002+08:00

i always want to be appreciated, but i hardly appreciate you.

i hate to lie to you, because it hurts so badly when i cant hear of you, see of you.

and i hate your letters, because they always make me cry.

but it doesn't matter, i know everything in the letter was true, at least before.

things would never ever be the same again, i ruined it.

Leechy Pain.

2009-06-11T00:56:00.002+08:00

things happened just as i expected. i wanted to say how sorry i am, but things would never change even if i did. i want to make things happen, instead things always go out of hand. i thought i always have control over us, but i never expect things to get worst again. i know i owe you way too much, and you deserve so much better. i want things to start right from the start but i realized i'm always dreaming of the impossibles. i want things from the start to be right, and that is to never have asked for your name, made friends with you and to have loved you.

i'm no good at anything, other than making you hate me more than ever.

if this even works, i'm sorry.

again.

Fundamental Joy.

2009-06-09T01:07:00.001+08:00

my birthday week was totally enjoyable! there was a lot of surprises and i'm sorry for not posting about them earlier. first was my class, like wtf. i thought on one in my class S37 even remembered my birthday until they tried to surprise me with a freaking construction helmet. you know why? cause they think (okay, not all, but SOME) i look like a construction worker. okay, i know you all disagree. HAHA. anyway, it was still very sweet of them. i was like on the verge of getting pissed with them for forcing me into a lecture i wanted to pon, until they started embarrassing me with the helmet and birthday song in a packed LT. okay, i'm actually proud of the helmet. :) and thanks clarice and syaz for your sweet letters.

i cant remembered what happened after school, see cause its so long ago. haha. okay, the basketball team went to jurong to watch the freaking finals and for prize presentation. i totally remembered how badly IJ played during the finals and how undeserving they were as an finalist. i am 100% we would be a better fight for the champions and surely more deserving. but life's like that, we dont always get what we want, right. okay, away with that, its supposed to be a happy post. then felt good to meet up with the xiaoxuelian people, always feel good when i see them cause it always remind me of friendships that lasted for the 7th year and running. friendships made because of a common passion, how sweet.

we collected the 3rd prize, and i swear guys, i'm still proud of a bronze medal we achieved together. this medal will remind me of how hard we worked, fought and slogged together. the blood, sweat, bruise and tears we sacrificed, all because of a dream we wanted badly. although we didn't achieve the dream, the whole season transformed a group of egoistic, proud and arrogant, bastards, selfish and individualists into a group of selfless, matured and sensitive team-players. the most important of all, we create brotherhood.

the guys also surprised me when they started singing a birthday song in front of all the prize winning schools! like so embarrassing again! this time worst because they bought me crocs (i swear i love them a lot a lot) that is neon green in color. and they forced me into wearing it! and they forced the helmet on me too! like omg. okay, after they had their fun, we took the chartered bus to sakae at dhoby for buffet. and i swear i'm still afraid of going there, because of the number of plates we took that day. i think the staff hates us, but i dont care, cause i hate them too. haha. and... the guys were so sweet, they spent one day after school hiding from me and left me feeling so lonely because they made me a fucking beautiful card. i swear its the best i ever received from guys, i emphasis GUYS OMG. so sweet of them, make me want to cry, bastards.

on my birthday itself, i think i went to school early in the morning to play ball with seniors and others. so sweet, huiwen they all buy cake and sing bday song for me again. i hate weilun because he chase me around the whole car park with his hand behind his back, i thought he want to throw cake on my face. bastard, in the end he was holding nothing. LOL. we went to play pool and lan at home of pool after that and had lots of fun at that ah beng place. and had the fucking good chicken rice there! cabbed home and met louisa :) who passed me books for birthday, i will read it i promise! then went to visit daryl at his place because it's his dad's bday too. then left for town and met weizhen who wished me happy birthday. and met kenji, leon and oka who also wished me happy birthday. after which was movie with cb, mac, nat and babe. watched angels and demons which was quite boring for me that i fell asleep for awhile. maybe cause the movie too late la, sorry angels and demons die-hard fans. after movie, slacked at town with babe and bought that sucker a mogu mogu which made him happy and cabbed home together and fainted on bed after bathing and slept like a log. :)

thanks for those who remembered my bday and sent me a happy msg. :) although some are still late as usual as every year, i still love you. and those who STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ANY PRESENT, I WONT FORGET OKAY. i'm dam grudge-full.

and thanks bio lecture group for the cute shark head cover, a really nice card and a box of condoms :D haha! you girls knew i needed it soon! hahahhaa! anyway thanks thanks thanks, dinner soon!

thats for my birthday! then nothing much exciting, until HK trip with SJ! was one heck of a blast and i really enjoyed traveling alone! SJ's a great shopping company and ask her if you intend to go HK, she knows all the good places! (Y) thanks SJ for the company! really enjoyed the time of my life! i wont hesitate going to another place with you! provided you stop cursing me...

now for the rest of my holidays, i'm going to try to settle down and focus on a few things. combine schools, driving and studies. thats it, nothing i want to think of. of course i will try to spend quality time with weilun who missed me and msg me to meet out :)

driving is exciting! i passed the BTT and although i haven't started any prac yet, i'm real excited about it and i hope i can clear it before the A's.

suckers around, dont try to start sucking up to me now because you want a ride home next time. no use one, i will still abandon you HAHA.

you make me think a lot,
give me another chance, i would still have chose the same.

think i still love you sexually.

Felt This Way.

2009-05-11T21:49:00.002+08:00

we finally finished the quarters and won ourselves a place in the semis. i can't believe how things have changed, how everything is going away from me, how much we have walked together as a team, i simply can't believe it.

guys, i just want to say, i love everyone of you with the whole of my heart and i appreciate all your effort and commitment into this team. when i look back, the memories are simply splendid, unforgettable and it never fails to put a smile on my face. it never fails to warm my heart.

i know it is about how much we want this guys, and i have every faith and confidence in each of you and as team i know we can achieve perfection. your efforts are not wasted, lets end our season with an icing on the cake. lets do the best we can on wednesday.

you know i really give up, because it always hurts to look back.

i always thought i could forget. i kept trying, but i kept failing. i go beyond my desperate breathe for you, but i only get choked and suffocated. it hurts so bad, i really want to quit. i really wish there was no you, there was no hope. there wasn't any hope i could linger on, i could live on for.

i know its impossible, but i keep convincing myself, only to find a broken hearted. i guess i never learn.

i never had to feel that way, i never had to feel empty after a win. it always seem that there's someone out there who truly feels happy for you, who celebrates with your heart, someone who awaits a victory hug, someone who knows how much everything meant. it's painful to feel this way now, and i hope it only makes me stronger. frequency reduces the pain, but i asked myself, how many of these chances am i left with.

sometimes i feel like there's no getting through to you,

like you don't appreciate all that i do.

you need to show me that you want me to stay,

don't turn and walk away.

i'm falling out of love.

The Right Way.

2009-04-18T20:08:00.003+08:00

please please please please please get well soon jumbo! this whole thing is such a shocker, no one expected you to go through this. i hope you dont feel bad, not at all. because you didn't want any of this to happen. all you have to think about now is to recover, and we all really hope to see you soon!

seriously, it wasn't anything much but it set me thinking. it was just a show of affection, care and love, but i couldn't take any of it. i was just envious, so envious of being loved so hard by someone. to know surely, that she'll be there even through the darkest days. even without your presence, the only person and thing she thinks about is you. and when you're down, you're the only thing that mattered. really, i'm envious of you, and i feel good for you. i really really feel happy for you. :)

here comes the joke of the day. tagawa ended around 10.45pm last night and i did the best i could to get to the MRT without slacking around. the whole point was to get home as early as i can to catch as much sleep as i can for this morning's training. in fact, i chose sleep over dinner. i didn't know what i was thinking, but i boarded the first freaking train that hit redhill. my ipod was on the low, i started reading when i boarded. when my ipod died, i heard this, 'next station, Chinese Garden'. i didn't know how to react, i wanted to curse and swear, i wanted to laugh out loud. i wanted to make a dig at myself, but its myself after all. i ended up taking the train at chinese garden at 11.30, only to get home at 12.30. this is so dumb because i dont get dinner, i dont get the extra sleep i wanted. HAHA, okay well done Superman.

training is tough, and its hard to get by with the sun smiling so hard at you. but i dont know why, i enjoy it. maybe it's because i know time is short, and everything will be gone in a flash. maybe i was just trying to cherish whatever time i have left to commit. i dont know, but i just dont want any of this to end. it feels like my life, it feels like life is going to end. if it ends, i would get by, and get a new life, hopefully.

school is a hell of a bore. i mean how much would you enjoy school if going to lectures and tutorials and it's all stuff you dont know, cause you're way behind time. so i rather enjoy spending my own sweet time in the library, ogling, enjoying music and the aircon. but at least, i get some work done!

cant imagine how the next week would past, with some many shitz coming ahead! seriously, i am trying real hard to go the right way. not sure whats right, but i guess following what you believe would be the best option.

i realized it has been my problem. it was just getting around at the beginning. then when i get to the edge, i dont have the courage to jump, to commit. i was afraid of the same thing, all along.

the truth is, i have always been sexually attracted to you.

tell me how, tell me why.

2009-04-08T19:24:00.010+08:00

Melody! School this term has been a total mess. its not like i want it to be like that, i mean who hopes for a mess, right? golf and basketball is a crazy mix, because it doesn't complement each other. well done julian, you should have realized this when you started a million years ago. but... i am proud to say that i have been trying to copy my lecture notes and putting effort to borrow the top students' notes to copy. teehee, what an evil plan...

Chernise! Favorite junior but has been infected with the deadly ASHES virus. i guess its probably all over her, so everyone BEWARE! and to all my juniors, please start believing me, i dont always lie. especially when its about ping-pong competitions. Cher, i think more gay-ness to come (Y)
CB Chng! HAHA! i cant stand this freaking mp3! can you see it?! its a freaking mp3! i dont know who the hell invented this crap, but i think its one hell of a joke! anyway, its not CB's, its joab's. and, CB just had his birthday recently, so happy belated! dont say dont have hor, and better shine some luck on us, we'll strike on singapore pools!
Xu! clap! Xu Xu! clap clap! Xu Xu Xu~! clap clap clap! this the best dancer i have ever seen! his waves would totally melt girls! XuXu is such a quiet guy, that i never expected we could share so much until this year. still, its a friendship that means to me. XuXu, we have many common interest (you know what i mean, dont grin xD), and we hate the same people. (hint:WANG!)

lets do good for A'Div!

Huiwen! the guy who never fails to stand by me! remember we were still dreaming about playing together in VJ, then dreamt about playing together in adidas? like many dreams and aspirations we had, we kind of fulfilled some of them already, isn't it satisfactory? bro, everything's satisfactory with you! you know the truth is most important and you never conceal anything from me (although the truth hurts, MOST of the time). just want to say i love you, and lets rock the second round! remember our DREAM!

ESG+lil Black Boy has been one hell of a fun the past month! the effort we put in, i really really hope it pays off. at least we came up with something substantial and i'm freaking proud of it! and, i really really hope SS gets approved and make our boyband dream come alive! you guys, forever in my heart!

golf is over and now its only left with basketball! but it doesn't really mean things have slowed down, cause second round's a killer and we only need more commitment now. going to start going to tagawa's training soon, hopefully it'll be another fun i'll be getting.

feeling a lot of muscle aches from gym and training, hopefully i'll only get stronger after recovering. all the way for VJ! my last season! (i hope?)

CT1 has been a so-so thing. haven't done well but i improved! at least i got my first D! are you freaking proud of me! well CT2 should be a killer because of a much messed up term 2. but i'll persevere through, and make it!

i seriously hope things go smoothly for the rest of the year. or at least, more smoothly.

been thinking a lot, and i was just trying to do something best for you, for me.

Double-edged sword.

2009-02-16T21:21:00.001+08:00

its like a knife stuck right in the middle of my heart. it hurts so badly, but it might just hurt more when i pull it out.

i can chose neither, i might just lose my life.

Valentine or for Friendship?

2009-02-15T20:44:00.003+08:00

Vday 09' was great! it was the usual sharing and expressing of love. flowers, chocolates, cards and letters and etc where all over the place. people smiling, people hugging, almost seen every part of every corner. the singing in the canteen was nice, now i know that there are a great load of people who can really sing. like JiaLing, Colin, Pris and MingXin.

isn't it sad not to have a valentine on vday? oh well, live with it buddy.

a singles' day-out with wx, mac, yc, cb and nat. NYDC at town and then settled at my place eventually. no booze, cause i fell asleep in town when i got home, sorry what a loser. and caught Benjamin Buttons, Brad Pitt is fucking hot. how can any girl resist him?

special thanks to julynn for that photo framed up, grace for that little note, sijie sihan rach & huimin for the cupcakes, joan for the superman letter, clarice for an apple, my ESG and brothers who gave me a brother hug!

all these definitely made my day.

lucky game won on sat against Gold's, and that game tie-er shot will forever be at the back of my head. guess, its my best vday gift!

i feel so sad, because my CT's mum past away before vday and she didn't come to school. vday was meant to be a happy day, a day for everyone to share love and to express our love to her. i wanted to pass her something to express my gratitude towards her, only to know something so sad happened. i wished i could do something to help cheer her up, to be there for her, when she always lend me a helping hand when i'm struggling with school and life. i guess, the least i could do is to turn up for the funeral and pray to god. my deepest condolences, Ms Lee.

a lot of times, we feel disappointed, we feel sad. the only natural thing we do is to look for ways and methods to relive the pain we feel, to chase the sadness away. i realized, the harder i try, the worst i feel. pain and being sad is after all, an emotion. and no emotion stays forever. everything in the body is there to heal a wound, nutrients, oxygen. similarly, any wound would heal naturally with time. i guess, i just need to take bigger strides.

i was disappointed when i saw you, because i didn't plan for anything like that to happen. i guess you're only right to do whatever you want. its your life after all, and i'm just a friend. you always put yourself ahead of everything, you forgot you'll get nothing at the end of everything. you aim high, but it seemed like you're likely to fall harder.

oh well, it isn't the first time anyway.

a sense of belonging weighs heavier than infatuation.

i really put down my deepest honesty in what i've said. your failure to understand and appreciate drives me to hell. then again, i gotta live with it.

i believe.. you dont need me, go ahead.

Intangible Exhaustion.

2009-02-01T23:42:00.002+08:00

Federer lost and i feel so sad! it was so heart-piercing to see him lose. the worst part of all, he couldn't control his emotions and broke down and cry during his speech. it totally made me feel like crying too! i wish i could give him a hug or something, wanting him to move on and fight for the next slam.

it's always that easy to say move on, or cheer up. it always seem that easy to look on the bright side of life. but i find it so hard at times, especially things that mean so much to me backfire. i hate leaving, i hate it when people that means so much to me start leaving my side. and i cant do anything at all about it. in short, i hate feeling useless.

my dream, your dream, our dream, seem so impossible by now. suddenly, it just sapped all my motivation, confidence and perseverance. i just hate it, why do you chose to leave me. i fucking hate it. fuck fuck fuck.

there's a limitation to everything, i hope you dont blame me my friend. i just couldn't let go when i haven't tried my best, my very best. its just me, i had to make sure i've done everything before giving up. at least, within my own abilities.

goodbye for now.

Mark a Year Away.

2009-01-05T02:38:00.001+08:00

2008 was really fast-paced. so fast, i couldn't make the best of the time i had. i couldn't catch my breath. i still remembered the first month of 08 when i had a lot of excitement, enthusiasm and energy for VJ. it feels just like yesterday that i was still a year younger, i feel like a freshman.

but it's more than just words that i can describe 08 when i look back. when i ask myself, what's the most important thing that has happened to me, or anything that has changed my life. i couldn't answer myself. perhaps, i didn't think hard enough, i didn't give myself enough time to. but there were many many small little events and experience that made me learn. not just about anybody, but also about myself.

i dont want to curse and swear about the downside i realized more about myself. no one is perfect, so just accept who you are and live life. no doubt, you have to change a little to have some kind of self-improvement and to work towards the ideal personality you have in mind. but i really wish to emphasis that i strongly believe that your friends will somehow be able to accept how eccentric, crazy, retarded, egoistic, horny, fucked up-whatever there is, you may be. and if you think hard enough, you realized that the closest around you will just about have a few of the traits you thought of yourself. the saying-birds of the same feathers flock together. how true.

to be honest, i had a disappointing 08 and i only wish to have a better 09. i felt like i have wasted time doing nothing. i haven't been able to take a step closer to any goals i've set in mind-i was way off. i haven't been as disciplined i ought to be, i was distracted. i didn't know what i was thinking throughout the year and it hurts to bad, so bad to think about it now.

halfway through JC and i can truly say that VJ has changed my life. its something, a milestone that took my life to another degree, another level. i'm not living the life i had in 07, 06. its a whole new thing right now, and i'm just getting used to it.

there are many happiness but also sadness through the year. the basketball team has just been one of the best thing that happened to me. we've experienced sweet victories and also defeats. we went ahead of ourselves and felt the pain and agony of defeat. we also came from behind and did the unexpected. i truly felt how hard work paid off and the satisfaction of team work. more than a million thanks to wanxin who taught me so much, so much about basketball. you thought me not only to think about myself, but for others, for the team. i think i wouldn't have grown up so much without you. thanks captain, always my captain!

sadness when i think about some people who have left my life. some really pass on with age, and some who stepped out of my life. anyway, let's not talk about the sad stuff.

although 08 has been disappointing in my way, it has been comforting in my way also. i realized that there are so much people around me who truly cares for me.

Weehoe, for always helping me out whenever i need. i feel most comfortable with you.

Huiwen, for always helping and being there for me in school and during training. i don't think i can survive without you.

Macus, for waking me up at the right times. i think only you truly mean it when you call me a fucker.

Grace, for all the siglap and tennis. i also feel most comfortable with you.

Julynn, for being there in my whole fucking 2008. 08 would totally be boring without you. so much, so much think and thin together...

Lydia, for all the eating and talking. i think i wouldn't have gained as much weight if i hadn't known you.

Clarice, for helping me with all my freaking school work. i doubt i'll be able to promote without you.

Twins, for all the tennis and love. never thought so much inside-joke can be made within such a short period of time.

Oka, for keeping me up at your house whenever i'm homeless. you totally rock, soulmate.

Kenji, for letting me know you're always supporting me. can't thank you enough for that talk till 5am. thanks for sharing your love for sushi with me!

Kaiwen, for naggy so much. but i still love you nevertheless!

the whole VJ basketball team, for keeping me alive.

last but not the very least....

Louisa, i can't thank you enough for everything you've given me. and for filling up the hole in my heart.

love you guys, i think i wouldn't have survive if any of you would step out of my life now.

i dont want to put down resolutions for 09. i have some plans on mind already and its all about getting it started and done. its not going to be an easy year, its the freaking A's.

enough said, i'm going to sleep through the first week of 09-what a good way to 'kickstart' the year. and... to let any caring soul know, i'm going to fuck my R's up. you can join me if you want to, i'll love you more!

night folks!

Temper Within.

2009-01-04T00:07:00.002+08:00

i realized something.

the more something matters to you, the more the weakness of yourself is showed. the more you want to achieve for something, the easier the ugly side of you shows. it is so uncontrollable, irresistible to just be yourself, to put all your pride in front of everything.

is my desire to improve, to achieve what i what too strong for others, too strong for myself to even contain. i cannot link up words to really express myself, and it sucks because i think i'm not making sense.

insecurities, hostilities and vulgarities kills.

my ugly habit, i love to talk about people. love and hate i can do both.

but it always seem to be the case that i become the person i despise and look down on when i'm in the act. i look ugly losing my temper, and i am despised for being lousy, lousy for the team.

i cant imagine what i would have said about myself if i was at the side-lines instead.

i guess i need to give myself a little more time...

i hate this post, for its the first post for 2009. i hate to start like this.

2009 will be better planned, better achieved, and it would be a step closer to all my dreams.

Ooh Ooh Baby,

2008-12-29T23:34:00.002+08:00

oh precious love!

christmas was quite a blast after all! it got me so exhausted and now we're planning for NYE. its quite crazy sick.

i love training, i realized how much training has already become a part of me. as much as training is supposed to be torturous, i feel weird when there's no training. i feel like i have nothing to do, i feel like i lost some purpose to life. ridiculous as it sounds, i really think this way.

i love training because it keeps my mind away from everything. okay, maybe not all. but i really love it because i can work the other side of my brain and stop whatever the other is hogging on.

i realized that it has always been my bad. sometimes i really wish to turn back time and make things right. the best part of it all now, i realized i lost you. oh well, well-deserved.

its crazy how much i can actually miss someone. i miss you like mad now, and there's nothing i can do to contain all my eagerness to see you. fuck, i really wish i could do something to fly myself to you. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so badly.

gym tomorrow, i make the best out of it.

can 2009 be better?

I'm Twisted.

2008-12-23T23:27:00.004+08:00

X'Mas gathering with ESG and the other guys awhile ago! man, we always have fun cause we can never stop the talking and the cocking. what's worst, we met at sakura for dinner. you know how bad things get when a group of guys meet up for such buffets. anyway, we simply whacked anything that caught our eye. like the freaking peking duck, frozen strawberries, pastries and whatnots.

i'll get the pictures up another day! too lazy now..

Christmas is just around the corner! exciting as it is supposed to be, i'm not THAT excited. so sad. but its alright cause i'm sure the next two days would be sexciting enough for me. meeting huiwen, how honorable that is!

i'm just going to go high. enjoy your fucking X'Mas man!

some mistakes are meant to be made. mistakes can turn out beautiful or ugly. it really depends on perception. it was just so impossible,

i didn't know how torn apart i was until i met your eyes.

i think, i just want to love someone who appreciates myself more than i do.

an Assistant.

2008-12-13T23:11:00.023+08:00

DAYS WITH KIDS :D

helping out at the camp with the kids was totally fun and tiring! though it was cheap labour and an underpaid thing, i was more than contented teaching and guiding the kids to a 'proper' golf swing and etiquette. it was so much fun trying to converse in their language, so much fun when they tried joking with me and taking everything i said for real.

kids are so innocent, but they're so pampered nowadays. (N) some are so lovable, but some deserves a tight slap.

cute or not, you decide!

Day 1.

Favorite Boy (Day 1)- Kenneth

Day 2.

Favorite Boy (Day 2)- Darron

Day 3.

Favorite Boy (Day 3)- Maximus

Favorite Boy (Day 3)- Kyle

i bet you'll agree that they're freaking cute right!

Black's.

2008-12-01T02:48:00.004+08:00

other than training, and more training, i can't think of a better way to really describe my life now. 6 times a week ball training and i still have to squeeze some time for golf! i'm not really complaining. in fact, i'm enjoying the process. the process in being a better player. but the aftermath, is a really sore body and injuring my knees again.

the truth is, i'm really afraid of overstraining the knees and making the ligament problem worst. ironically, i cant stop training. i want to be part of everything, i dont want to be missing, to be absent when everyone is working their ass off. i have no right to do that.

all i can do now, is to get some protection and continue with everything. i got a knee stabilizer that nearly cost a $100. some say it looks really exaggerative and i totally agree. it really restricts my movement and i dont like that feeling. but it takes away my pain and keeps my mind at ease.

one knee vs infinite number of knee guards - you choose.

i just did my stretching and now i'm icing both dam knees. i had sufficient hours of sleep yesterday and that's why i could stay up blogging.

double training yesterday was a bit out of mind, but i'm not complaining yet. both teams i take pride for, both i am proud for. so i'm more than happy to train, more than happy to endure the pain together.

weehoe and macus came over after dinner yesterday and finished my bottle of vodka. macus was a bloody weak shit who claims he wanted to try how it actually felt to be drunk. so he practically drank like a fish, and ended up regretting for whatever he was feeling after that. the worst part of all, he spilled the drink on my bed. thank god that fucker didn't spill the whole thing, if not i wouldn't know how many punches i'll lay on him to wake him up to clear up.

so macus the real retard knocked himself out before the night even started and ended up sleeping over. on the other hand, i had a real good talk with weehoe. he's been giving me advices and showering me with endless care and concern. for that, i'm totally grateful and i just want to say thank you weehoe. i'm really glad that you found yourself a great girl, and i think you totally derserve someone who loves you as much as you do love her. i hope everlasting love would happen for you!

how many can find the one they really love? and how many can find the one that's meant for them? how many have enough the patience to take it till they're 30, 35 or even 40 to get married? i'll never have an answer for that, but i'm more than ready to say that less than 50% actually have the one that's meant for them. i'm worried and also excited to know who i can have as my wife. isn't it too early to even think about this? i totally agree. but Julian is a boy who likes to think about everything.

yes, being love partners need fate and patience. and you'll never know when you're find the one you love, not until you dare to love again. but something else that many people forsake or take it lightly is the friendship you share with someone close to your heart. why so few, so little people talk about friends that could connect to them.

for me, i'm really proud and glad to have a friend like weehoe around me. we dont meet very often, we dont have to meet everyday. but we know we'll be there for each other no matter what. its more than unconditional love. i really cant explain how much at ease i am when i'm with him. i'm just so glad i have him in my life and like love, i'll never want to lose something like that. i hope i take all these into my grave, because one thing for sure, i'll never be more than grateful for someone like you. thank you bro.

enough of the cheesy mushy words.

budd and i went to catch KM31 just now! and it isn't that good, i dont recommend it. the scare cannot match up to .REC, though KM31 is also a NC16-Spanish show. maybe because its not as realistic as .REC that's why i find it a bit ridiculous at times. and, the plot is a bit messy and draggy that i almost fell asleep.

what i recommend is Body of Lies. that show is dam worth the money. its about terrorism and the god dam threat is so real that i could feel it. then came the Mumbai Bombing which made me feel like everything in the show had happened. tell me how strong these terrorist are. the sad thing about this show is, its NC16. so.. all the infants below 16, sorry you have to miss this great show. Leonardo Dicarpio is fucking cool, beyond cool!

budd and i were talking and we realized how quickly time past for us. not long ago, i was still excited about life in VJ. and now, i'm thinking about preparing for my A's. JC life is totally fast-paced and you need to have plans and aspirations and constant hard work to keep up with the expectations. for me, i had a great deal of struggle to get to where i am. others breezed through the year and did better than me. is it unfair? not to me, because i know i have other strengths. so.. live with it!

anyway, here comes my long awaited December. i promised budd a month ago to start studying when its December. as i said how quickly time flies, its December now! and i kind of regret making this promise. but i'll still try to start because its for my own good. i dont want to do bad for the R's and start the year badly. i remembered my promised to a more accomplished 2009. budd, let me be a good influence. haha!

AHS Sports Class gathering this friday and i'm totally looking forward to it. all the friends and the endless catch ups to cover. the BBQ that they always loved me for the satay man, and huiwen starting the fire. so glad tracy made the effort to initiate this meet up so everyone could enjoy! thanks tracy!

although everyday's filled with trainings, i just want to say i'm not missing out all the good in life! MJ once in awhile, going out for lunch and dinners, a few movies, a few chilling sessions, PRAWNING! and other nonsensical stuff has keep my holiday a little more exciting. no holidays this time, totally committing to my training.

oh did i forgot to mention i'm working to get some quick cash this Dec. i'm going to some golf camp to help out as a golf assistant. excited to interact with the kids!

senior's farewell after training tomorrow. bet we'll have more than fun during steamboat. and.. more singing to come!!

goodnight!

i don't dare to love again.